


When You Were Never Mine

by ImagineAvengers



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: POV Female Character, Platonic Soulmates, Reader-Insert, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-09-18 14:54:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 60,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16997124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineAvengers/pseuds/ImagineAvengers
Summary: Having a soulmate was never something that (Y/N) believed in, especially after meeting and falling for Tony Stark.  But one day that belief is changed when she has to accept that they do exist, and hers is none other than the one person who had changed Tony's life in the worst way possible.





	1. Chapter 1

Growing up, you had been told to be patient. Wait for that moment when you would see what stories had built up to be the greatest moments of one's life. That moment when your future would be as clear as day, when your soulmate would be found through an unbreakable bond; when emotions were strong enough, true soulmates could see what the other saw as if they were there themselves, as if they were living it too. You were told that it was maddening problem at first, taking the attention from what you were really doing at the time and stealing your attention away to watch something that didn't really even involve you. But you were also told that it was exhilarating, feeling like you were a part of them when you couldn't be together. You were told to be patient, because it would all be worth it.

But you never really were one to excel in patience. Especially when something you wanted was right in front of you and within reach. You began to believe that soulmates weren't all they were built up to be, and waiting was no longer an option. The prospect of missing out on something that you know you wanted by choice was far more untenable than the prospect of waiting for someone you might never know.

"You know what? You're the only person that I trust to drive me anywhere," Tony smiled, watching the scenery fly past as you maneuvered his obnoxiously orange Audi along back roads towards the city. His chin was resting in his hand as he leaned against the arm rest, with his other hand resting lazily on your knee. The two of you had spent the weekend up state, looking at the viability of his father's storage facility to be turned into a new home for the team; after the insane Chitauri battle in Manhattan only a few months before, he had developed a new distaste for the city that bombarded him with memories that he didn't want.

"You lie so hard," you scoffed, eliciting a sharp gasp from him, "Happy just drove you to HQ last week!"

"Okay, but that's his _job_. I meant purely for pleasure. Alright, fine, how about this? You're the only non-employee that I let drive me anywhere."

"So, when Rhodey drove you and Clint to have lunch with Fury, that was what?"

"What the hell, (Y/N)? Who's paying you to spy on me?"

"No one, sweetie, you just suck at lying, like I said."

Tony slowly pulled his hand back and away from the warm home it had found on your leg, turning his body in his seat to fully face you with his arms crossed almost defiantly. "You're the only woman that I let drive me anywhere. Is that better? Specific enough?"

"Dangerous territory, Stark. Playing that card is never the way to go," you answered with a toying smile. "You're teetering on degrading an entire gender of people that I know you have a particular fondness for."

"More like a dangerous gender," he quickly retorted, "you'd think I'd know better by now."

"Right? I thought you were a genius-" you stopped abruptly, when your vision flashed into a scene that wasn't really yours, though it felt like you were right there. Your foot slammed down on the brakes with a squealing pitch and the car swerved, but JARVIS was thankfully ever-present, able to bring it to a safe halt before you left the road.

"What the hell?" Tony snapped, his hands grabbing for the dash to steady himself, and his senses screaming for him to get out of the sudden death trap. "(Y/N), are you okay?"

With your eyes slammed shut, you shook your head, trying to clear the sights away, but when you opened your eyes again, they were still there, just as plain as day. What you couldn't see, was whose eyes were showing you the scene as it played out, as they stared down a face of a man that you had just barely come to know.

_People are gonna die, Buck. I can't let that happen. Please don't make me do this._

"Tony...have you..." you panted, trying to catch enough breath to speak, "have you talked to Cap...?"

"No, why? He's in D.C. Fury relocated him when he signed on with SHIELD."

You shook your head again, trying desperately to will the images away, but they wouldn't let go. Your stomach began to churn as the scenes faltered and swayed, as if they were flying without support; when your sights changed to see nothing but open sky and debris falling in every direction, your hand jutted out to clutch Tony to keep yourself steady, though you hadn't moved an inch.

"Honey, tell me what's going on," he practically begged, but you couldn't reply. Instead, he decided to take action, jumping out of the car and hurrying around to your side, throwing the door open to reach in and lift you to him. With much more care, he brought you to the passenger seat and gently set you down before sprinting back to drive. "JARVIS, call ahead, I'm taking her in-"

"No," you managed, "I'm...I'm okay...but Steve..."

"J, you got a location on Rogers?"

A tense few seconds passed before JARVIS spoke again as he searched through satellite images to find his one specific target, but he was able to get at least enough to calm your nerves just a little in the chaos. "Captain Rogers is still in Washington, sir. He appears to be in distress, however, though he has been pulled to safety for the time being."

"He pulled him out of the river," you sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god."

"(Y/N), please, you've gotta talk to me here, okay? You're freaking me out, and not in the good way."

A few hundred miles away, another man was freaking out, and definitely not in the good way, whatever that actually meant. He stared down at Steve, lying on the bank of the Potomac at his feet and coughing water from his lungs as he struggled for air. He knew him, his mind screamed at him, trying to make him understand, but the voices weren't loud enough. They didn't make sense. The Soldier, who this man called Bucky, turned and looked out at the wreckage, with nothing left of SHIELD or Hydra, and nowhere for him to go. Suddenly, a mind that had known only one purpose so clearly and for so many years was freed and realized that it knew nothing anymore. It was terrifying and liberating.

But with one last look down at the Captain, Bucky stopped, his vision flashing with images that you were seeing; the full connection was made as he came into his own mind, and what he saw nearly dropped him to his knees.

It was the face of a man he had known years before, though it looked much younger somehow. The last time he had seen those eyes, and the fearful pleading within them, was on a desolate dirt road twenty years before, on December 16, 1991.


	2. Chapter 2

The start of the trip back to the tower was in complete, enveloping, smothering silence, with Tony taking the wheel when you barely had the wherewithal to remember to breathe, much less try to drive. He may have pledged his trust in your driving before, but that moment was over after your harrowing screech to a halt only a short time before. The color had been wrung from your hands under painful pressure as you struggled to bring your mind together, but you barely felt what you were doing until his hand hesitantly found them and squeezed tight to make them still.

"I'll step aside."

"What?"

"Your soulmate connected, right? That's what that was, and clearly, it's not me. So," he sighed heavily, the weight of the world crushing him, "in the best interests of fate, I'll step aside."

"You'll do no such thing," you whispered, your trance finally broken. When you looked to the man next to you, he was so much smaller than he had been mere moments before; he looked tired, older, and unbearably sad. It was the worst feeling that you had ever known to see that you were the cause, and it had to stop. "Tony, I chose you. I want _you_."

"The universe doesn't seem to agree."

"Then to hell with the universe. I don't know who this other person even is, and from what I could see him doing to Steve, I don't think that I want to. Would you really so readily step aside so that I could be with someone like that just because the universe is a sick bastard?"

"Hmm, no, 'spose not," he mumbled in reply. His offer to get out of the way wasn't really whole-hearted, and he was hoping that you would argue, so when he realized that he had gotten his way, he struggled to hold back the faintest curl of a smile at the corners of his mouth before having to turn away. "It's kinda hot when you fight for me."

"Really? That's your play?"

"It's the only play I've got, sweetheart. I have no idea what to do, so I'm just making shit up as I go along. So, in that spirit...I can't believe I'm asking this...but have you thought of anything that might give you a clue as to who this guy is? Did you hear a name, or something that Steve might have said that could mean help?"

"Ugh, I don't know," you groaned, closing your eyes and pushing your head back against the seat in frustration. You were only given pieces of the view your soulmate was offering, and even though they were perfectly clear, they were like a puzzle with the wrong pieces just forced together enough to resemble the original view. Steve's face was barely familiar to you within it, having known the man only a few short months now, but you tried to focus on the few flashes of it you could slow down, pushing your mind to cooperate.

_People are gonna die, Buck._

"Buck?" you answered Tony softly, unsure. "Does that name mean anything familiar?"

Much as you had done, his foot slammed onto the brakes and squealed the car to a halt, with no care as to if you were on the road alone or not. Tony turned to you, eyes wide with just enough recognition of that name to know that it may not have meant anything to him, but it definitely meant a lot to one unfashionably spandex-clad patriotic teammate.

"Son of a bitch."

~~~

"On your left."

Sam turned to look at Steve as he rested in his hospital bed, still taken aback by how sufficiently his newest superhero friend had been beaten, and he still couldn't help but smile. Never in a million years would he have thought he'd see the day when he would be at Steve's side, fighting with Captain America himself; a man he had admired from afar for so long. Steve was a good guy, he knew that without pause, but Sam also knew that to hand out trust as readily as he had likely wasn't natural or easy for Steve. Now that he was seeing the man this vulnerable, he knew that the trust he was given had to be protected.

"Feelin' better already, huh?"

"Oh, man, I don't know," Steve grumbled, pushing himself up, "I feel like I've been hit by a truck."

"You were. Over and over. Then he threw you off a helicarrier just long enough to almost let you drown."

"Who did?"

"Uh...are you being serious right now?" Sam asked with shock, looking towards the door and back as if he was considering calling a nurse for help. Maybe that superhero stuff wasn't all it was cracked up to be, because Cap's head was definitely cracked. "I can't actually tell."

"Sam, I don't remember who did this," Steve answered flatly, pointedly with a stern expression, "and neither do you. You never got a look at who it was."

"I, uh...I never saw a thing."

"Okay." A ring of his phone pulled Steve's attentions away, but the sound was coming from his jacket on the far side of the room, and he was in no shape to get up for that kind of distance. "Would you mind?" he asked with a nod towards it.

Sam simply nodded back and stood, hurrying to retrieve it before the sound stopped. He had to dig into the pockets to find it, but when he did, he saw your name on the screen and turned back to his friend with a wide grin and held it up for him to see. "Haaaay, who's the girl?"

"Not mine. Gimme that."

"Then whose girl is calling you?"

"Stark's," Steve scolded, swinging his legs over the side of his bed to elicit the fear in Sam that he was hoping for, "now hand it over." Once he had his phone safely in hand, and once Sam was back in his chair and well out of reach, he opened the line and tried to stay calm. "(Y/N)? Is everything okay?"

_"Are you? Steve, you almost died."_

Steve's hand slammed over the mouthpiece and his eyes filled with fire as he looked at Sam, "who did you call?!" he hissed under his breath through clenched teeth, but you still heard.

"No one!"

_"Steve, no one called us. I saw everything, right up until he pulled you from the river."_

"How is that possible?" he gasped, then quickly pulled himself together and back into the lie. "I mean...um, when who-"

_"Bucky."_

"(Y/N)...I don't know what you're talking about-"

The look in Steve's eyes sent a chill down Sam's spine as he listened in; he leaned forward in his chair and again looked back towards the door for a quick glance as if something terrible was about to storm in. "What? Cap?"

_"Steve, I saw it all, I'm telling you the truth. I could go into details to prove it if you want-"_

"No. I don't."

_"I won't tell anyone, I promise."_

"Okay...well, thank you." The two of you held your silence then, waiting for the other to say something, anything that would break the pressure in the air, and then the realization finally came to him. He hadn't been hit in the head hard enough to completely miss it. "(Y/N), there's only one way that you could have seen that. No one was there, and we were sure to take out the video feed on all the carriers."

_"Right."_

"Does Tony know? Is he okay?"

_"He's...Tony," you relented, but Tony wasn't why you called. "Cap, I won't tell anyone, so long as you tell me what I need to know. You're the only one who knows him, and if he's my soulmate, I need to know everything you can tell me about James Buchanan Barnes. I need to know how he turned into the Winter Soldier, and if there's anything of your friend left for me to find. Because if there is...I'll help you."_

~~~

Standing alone in the Smithsonian, immersed in the Captain America exhibit, Bucky felt like there was no one in the world who could help him, and no one who would understand. Even Steve, the man he was currently reading about, couldn't possibly know what this felt like. Bucky was trying to get his memory to find something to grasp, but his mind was a swirling, blank slate that left him dizzy and exhausted the more he pushed back against it.

Even when he moved with the crowd and was now reading about himself, and the face looking back at him held a haze of familiarity, it didn't feel true; it didn't feel like he was living his life, but rather watching someone else live it for him.

The dizziness was getting worse with each minute that he kept this torture going, so he finally decided to leave; it was likely best to not spend too much time in public right now anyway, being a world-class assassin who had just helped to dump SHIELD and Hydra into the Potomac. Voices of children and their temper-wary mothers surrounded him, and he lost his focus; which way was out of this purgatory? He spun on his heel, just slow enough to not draw attention, but then surely the loud gasp he let out would do that for him.

"Who are you?" he muttered under his breath. "Why can I see this?"

Back in New York, you were caught in the moment with him, frozen in place at the sensation that sent a wave of nausea through your gut. "Find a mirror," you commanded, hoping that he could hear you, and feeling your first sense of relief that he could when the vision you were seeing began to move. Scurrying to your room and into the bathroom, you stood in front of the mirror and waited. And waited...and waited.

Maybe he took the chance and ran. You wouldn't even blame him for it; you might even be a little jealous of his freedom.

Or maybe he was just lost in the massive museum and struggled to find his way to the bathroom so that he could see. More so, rather, so that you could see.

And now, as you both feared and so desperately needed, the two of you were standing hundreds of miles apart, staring back at the other through eyes that weren't your own. You were seeing each other for the very first time.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The two of you had barely met each other's gaze through your connection, and he turned and ran from the room. It was a jolt that took your balance as you watched, with the motion not being your own; grasping the sink to steady yourself, you hoped that you could convince him to stay just a little longer, or at the very least, walk slower before it made you vomit.

"Bucky, wait."

"We have to find a way to stop this," he argued under his breath. His head was lowered as he pushed his way towards the museum doors, desperate to see the open ground to run. He had been trained to run before being caught, and this was no different. "You have to forget this...forget me. You never saw me, do you understand?"

"It's not like I can control this any more than you can."

"Figure it out. You're calling me a name that I don't even know, so how in the hell am I supposed to have a soulmate when I don't even have one myself?"

"You have a soul, it's just been pushed away," you tried, "Steve told me about who you used to be. You're a good man, Buck, you just don't remember that you are."

"Forget. Me." he continued to argue, only now his voice was much darker, and felt hollow as it echoed through your mind. He was being purposeful in his coldness towards you, with the audacity to think that it would actually stop you. "The only thing that knowing me will bring is pain and trouble that you don't need. Focus on Stark and forget you ever saw this face."

"Buck-"

But that was the end of the discussion. When his voice had changed, so did his emotions, and he was able to shut himself down to convey the distance he needed. Without emotions to feed the connection, there was nothing you could do; if you weren't both open to receive each other, then he might actually get his way, and you might never see his face again.

Thankfully, you knew that Steve had completely different plans and this was far from over.

~~~

What you hadn't planned on was that it would be nearly two years before you'd have the chance again. With SHIELD gone, it brought Steve to live at the tower with the rest of the team, and the two of you were able to give the search for his friend more attention; he even had Sam working on leads with him. It became more difficult to follow them, however, with Tony in such close proximity, and with the three of you running out of reasons to take a jet out so frequently without the team being called to actual missions. After a while, Tony stopped asking, but you knew that all it meant was that he was paying closer attention and didn't need to ask anymore.

But then, a break came. Not a good one, mind you, but a break that allowed you and Sam to run with enough freedom to follow what could be your first real lead. For the first time, Tony's attentions were about to be filled to their breaking point with the next crisis, and JARVIS wasn't going to be around to babysit.

"If I knew it was going to be a firefight, I would've called," Steve smiled, joining Sam as they climbed the stairs at the tower towards where you were waiting for them; watching the team celebration from the level above the lounge, your gaze fixed on Tony so firmly that you were surprised he couldn't feel it from across the room.

"Oh, I'm not actually sorry," Sam laughed in return, "I'm very happy chasing cold leads in our missing persons case."

"Hey, Sam."

"(Y/N), you're looking lovely tonight," he greeted, taking a stand next to you. "Why are you up here alone? I figured that Stark would be parading you around and showing you off to everyone all night."

"I told him that I had to run to the bathroom, but that was about fifteen minutes ago so I'm sure he thinks I might have died. You two are late."

"That's my fault," Steve offered, "but we're here now." He lowered his voice and moved to stand on your other side, looking out over the room as he spoke as to be as inconspicuous as possible, though completely failing. "Where are you two headed next?"

"Barcelona," you answered, "but we get only two days. Fury lined up an actual job there so we can look legit this time, but that's barely a day's work so we get one good day to track a new lead."

"Is it a good one?"

"Are they ever?" Sam joined in with a snicker into his drink. "Seriously, all we're doing is some excellent sight-seeing of the darkest and shadiest corners of the world, Cap. Without the love connection happening between these two anymore, it's really not much to go on."

You turned towards Sam, your body language so immediately cold and closed off that he actually took a step back just to protect himself from whatever surprise you might be ready to throw. Travelling together so much had allowed him to see you at work, and to also learn when he had gone too far and his safety might be an issue because of it. "There's no _love_ connection, Wilson, let's get that straight. There's no connection at all. He won't allow it, and he's been doing a damn fine job keeping himself shut down."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"It's fine."

"Sure doesn't seem like it," Steve agreed, as Sam eagerly nodded along with the support. "Is there something going on with you and Tony? Are you guys okay?"

"How do you think we are, Steve?"

"Not good, I imagine."

"We're okay," you said carefully, "but not great, no. It's getting tiresome trying to convince him over and over that I want to be with him when I'm off chasing your friend around the world. I know that he's been tracking us, and I won't lie if he outright asks me. I won't protect either of you or Bucky if it means having to lie to Tony."

"I would never expect you to do anything that I wouldn't. I mean, come on," he smiled mischievously, "I'm Captain America. I'm always honest."

~~~

Later that night, only minutes after you and Sam had said your goodbyes to the team, and after you gave your repeated speech of reassured commitment and love to Tony, they were attacked and the tower was left in shambles. Tony wanted to call you back, to have as many hands on deck as possible to fight Ultron, but he also wanted you as far away from it all as you could get, so he never did. It wasn't until you reached your destination that you found out what had happened to the home you had just left behind.

"Sam, look at this," you stopped, grabbing a newspaper from a local street vendor. The front page was a picture of the tower, debris hanging from the landing pad, and windows cracked and blown out in the top floors. Beneath that was an article about a killer robot on the loose, with his growing army of clones seeping out into the world to speed his domination from every continent.

Sam stood at your side, reading along with you as much as he could understand of the language. It didn't take that ability to recognize that the picture alone meant very bad news. "Should we go back?"

"We're only here for two days," you sighed, folding the paper and dropping it back onto the pile. "If they needed us, they would have called. We just have to work faster, come on." You gently slid your hand through his waiting arm and walked along the crowded city streets, trying your best to blend in. You were here on official duty for a fast job of data retrieval, then you could get down to the work that you really wanted to give your attentions to. This was the first real, strong lead on Bucky that you had received; your nerves were energized and your muscles were eager to move on the only glimmer of hope that you'd had.

"Maybe we should split up for a bit," Sam offered, "I can run the data retrieval and you can try to catch a brain wave or two."

"I'm glad that one of us is able to take this so lightly."

"I was being serious!"

"Why are you like you are, Sam?"

"Because I'm damn awesome, that's why, don't act like you don't know," he smirked. "But really, let's take a few hours on our own, circle back here and make a game plan for tomorrow with what we find. We've got maybe three hours of daylight left."

You reluctantly agreed and said your goodbyes to each other before releasing his hold, taking a second to coordinate your alerts on your phones to be sure neither of you were late getting back. Once you were on your own, your steps quickened, though you had no idea of where they would lead you. You were getting nowhere fast. "Bucky, come on, just let me in," you whispered as you moved, allowing your emotions to build and filling your muscles with nervous energy; you had hoped that making yourself feel vulnerable might forge a connection, but all it was doing was making you second-guess yourself and everything around you.

It also made you second-guess what you were seeing. A shine of light caught your vision as a man ducked into an apartment building at the end of the block, convincing you that it had to be him. It had to be his metal arm reflecting the street lights; there was no way it could possibly be anything else, when in reality, it could be thousands of other things that your mind wasn't allowing. Your feet practically tripped over each other to catch up to the man, and you burst through the main door with panting breaths that silenced at the sight behind it.

"What are you doing here? You've been following me for hours, when I told you to forget me."

"Bucky, Steve sent us to find you. Please...please don't run."

"You should be the one running."

"What does that mean?"

"You have no idea what I might do to you," he answered quietly. "I'm the Winter Soldier, remember? I could kill you in ways that you haven't even realized."

"But you won't."

"I could."

"Yes, you could. Is that what you want to do, Buck?"

"Stop calling me that," he groaned, shaking his head to deny you, "I don't know who that is."

"If you let me help you...if you let Steve help you...then you could know." You paused, wanting to take a step closer, to try to show him that you were safe, but you realized that his position was blocking a sight that he was trying to keep away from yours. The stairwell just behind him had an open area beneath it, which held a threadbare blanket and a few random snacks that he had gathered for himself, along with a couple of books and a light that looked like it's wiring could burn the building down with the next time he turned it on. "Bucky, do you live here? Is that where you sleep?"

"For today, yes. But now that you've found me, I'll have to move again."

"Or you could come with us-"

"No, (Y/N)!" he spoke your name for the first time, and it was filled with a sadness and rage; it was how you never wanted to hear him say it, and the sound would hang in your memory for years to come. "Don't you understand? If you've been connected to me, then you should. I need to do this on my own, alright? I don't want your help. If I don't do this myself, then I'll just be living a life that I'm being told is mine. Again. Another life that I can't remember. I want to trust you, and I want to trust Steve, because it feels like I should, but I just can't. Now just go home and forget me, like I said. Tell your friend that you need to leave, and don't come back. I can't promise you that if we meet again, it will go this well."

"So, what do we do about our connection?" you dared ask. "We're just supposed to ignore it?"

"Yes. That's exactly what we're going to do."

His tone was that of a man not be challenged, and even though you would never buy into that, being Tony Stark's significant other, of all people, you let the moment stand. The moment hung so long, in fact, that he was the one to turn away first, unable to look at you any longer before he found himself taking it back; he was alone in the world, stumbling through his life now, with no one to help him, and no one who even cared to. Yet here he was, turning down the one person who would.

"Okay," you finally sighed quietly, "I'll go. But here," you paused, pulling a phone from your bag and holding it for him to take, "I want you to take this. It's untraceable, and the only number in it is mine. I had an idea that this is how our conversation would go, but if you change your mind or even just need to talk to someone, I want you to be able to find me if we don't connect again. I won't tell anyone, I promise."

Bucky's hand shook slightly as he reached out and took the offering, hesitant but agreeable. "Thank you. But why are you doing this? You have no reason to care what happens to me."

"You're joking, right? Of course, I care. Even if you weren't my soulmate, you're Steve's friend, so you're mine. Maybe one day, you'll believe it."  

 


	4. Chapter 4

Convincing Sam to return home was so much easier than the conversations you faced once you had arrived there. Steve was, of course, standing in the hangar bay of the now-defunct Avengers tower, his hands clasped tightly together behind his back in his most authoritative yet causal stance that he could muster. He was absolutely not convincing in the least. Behind him stood Tony, looking tired, yet trying to seem like he was happy to see you. Maybe he truly was, but recent events of saving the world from his own creation had taken a heavy toll; when you saw his face and the pain and regret that he carried, you did exactly as you were told. You forgot all about Bucky.

"Tony," you sighed, rushing to him and bypassing Steve to get into his waiting arms, "are you okay?"

"Always."  
  
"Are you lying to me? I thought we weren't doing that."

"So, did you find him?"

"Who?"

"You _just_ said we weren't doing that," Tony answered, his voice sounding so tired and so sad like you'd never heard before. He hadn't even made so much as a twitch in his grip to release you. His body was heavy against yours, as if the only thing keeping him from toppling over was your support.

"Um..." you paused, pulling back from his hug and glancing back to Steve, "we can talk about that later. Let us get settled in and we can talk about the mission, is that alright?"

"Sure...yeah, that's fine. I'm just tired, I'm sorry. I really am happy to see you."

"Me too."

"Good," Steve interjected with a small clap of his hands, "then let's take this to the conference room, shall we?"

"Nah, we can do this here," Sam argued, "there's not much to tell. The intel job was nothing. I walked in, grabbed what I needed and walked out. Soon as that was done, we came back here. Story time over, goodnight, kids." With that, he gave a dismissive wave of his hand and let out a long yawn, clumsily tossing a flash drive to the Captain as he passed by on the way to the door.

"Don't let us keep you up," Steve snickered, glancing to you and expecting you to follow behind. But no matter what he thought you might do, the look in his eyes was clear as to what he was hoping that you would do instead. The man was desperate for any answers, even if you told him that there was nothing. To him, nothing was still something.

That was exactly what you did, in hushed, hurried words that were less than Sam had used in his first sentence alone. You had broken your friend's hope once again, but after this long, it didn't affect you as much as it did in the beginning; maybe it was because you really had seen Bucky, and you knew that he was okay, for the most part. Maybe it was because Steve had been pushing you so hard about your connection that you believed the letdown served him right for being like he was. No matter why you had grown insensitive, all you knew was that you weren't doing this for Steve, and he was beginning to realize it too.

~~~

Back in your own bed again, even after barely a night away, you felt immediately at ease in the warmth of the blankets lazily draped over you, and the softness of your own pillow. You could lie here forever just with that, but when Tony emerged from the bathroom and crawled in next to you, his body still warm from the shower, there could never be anywhere better than this.

Everything had always been so easy with Tony that you were sure that he was your soulmate, even if you had never felt the connection that you had made with Bucky. Everything felt right when you were with him, and the two of you matched attitudes and drive so well that there was no way that this wasn't meant to be. Even when he pushed himself up next to you and wrapped his arms so tightly around you that you gasped at the sudden pressure, it felt as if his hold fit perfectly with your every curve.

"So, it was a good trip?" he began quietly. He rested his head on your pillow with you, if for nothing else than to recommit your scent to his memory.

"Mmm hmm," you sighed, "nothing special, glad it finished faster than we had planned. I missed you."

"Missed you."

"Now, tell me, are you really okay? I was reading about what happened in Sokovia on the flight back, and I just can't believe it. That whole thing could've ended in so many other ways. So much worse."

"Well, you know me, honey. Go big, or go home. I went pretty damn big. _Massive_ fuck up."

You rolled yourself over onto your side so that you could face him, but his hold on you barely let up enough for you to move. Somehow, you still managed. "Please, don't tell me that you're doing this again. There's no way that all of this can be your fault."

"Enough of it is."

"Then beat yourself up for just that much. You're taking the entire blame, I can tell."

"We, uh...we...we lost one," he whispered, a crack unmistakable in his voice. "I wouldn't let that get out to the public, because the kid didn't want this life...Avenging. He just wanted to save his home, and the people he cared about...and I got him killed instead. Because I didn't do enough to stop it. Wanda's all alone now, because of me. I have to keep her safe, because I owe her that much."

"Tony..."

"Did you find him?" he asked quickly, as if the words could stay in his mind no longer. He didn't look at you as he said them, knowing that whatever was building behind his eyes wasn't what he wanted you to see. But when you didn't give him a choice, when all you gave him was silence as an answer, he looked at you with fear and nervous anticipation for what you would finally say. He needed to know almost more than he needed his next breath. "(Y/N), just tell me. I promise you, it stays in this room. JARVIS is gone, and FRIDAY needs a re-write before I fully upload her into the system. It's just you and me."

"Yes," you answered, just as quietly. You never thought to hesitate. "I found him."

Tony closed his eyes, sucking in a harsh breath and slowly releasing it, as if it pained him to do so. "Okay, thank you. I was so scared that you were going to try to hide it. Thank you for trusting me."

"How did you know? I mean, I figured that you were tracking me, and all."

"You look different. Did something happen?"

"No," you said, giving him a calm, slight smile, "nothing. He wouldn't come back with us, so all I could do was leave him there and get back here where I belong. For now, I think it's over."

"Are you okay?"

"Always."

"Hey now," he scolded playfully, "no stealing my lies."

"Oh my god," you gasped, with a sharp slap on his arm, "did you just say...lies?"

" _Lines_!" he backpedaled, sitting up with a start. "I said lines! _Lines_!"

"We never lie to each other, _right_? I totally believe you," you mocked, turning over to face away in a jovial huff that only got him that much more riled up and pushing to make sure that you believed him.

" _LINES_!"

"Goodnight, honey. Love you."

"Ugh...goodnight, love you too," he merely grumbled, though he left a gentle kiss on your cheek and another on your neck before turning to lie on his own side of the bed. It was a blessing in disguise that he had chosen to roll away rather than keeping his hold on you as your phone vibrated on the bedside table at your side.

You glanced over your shoulder to see that he was no longer watching, taking the phone for a fast look at the screen before clearing the message away and closing it again and setting it face down. It was a simple message, but filled with hope that you had maybe gotten through. It was him.

_Thank you._


	5. Chapter 5

_For what?_

Just as your fingers left the screen of your phone, you wondered if it was the right thing to respond to Bucky's message. Maybe he didn't want to enter a conversation, but couldn't help but still be a man of manners, and you didn't give yourself a moment to consider it before acting. The familiar, gentle snores from Tony had already begun next to you, so you felt as if the opportunity had presented itself all too well; it wasn't that you were hiding it from him, because you had no reason to, but you still felt more comfort in knowing that he wasn't watching.

_For being nice to me._

"Ugh, my heart," you whispered to yourself, the image of his sad face torturing your mind.

_You're sure that you won't come here? Most of us are actually nice, no matter what you may have heard. Even Sam, that guy you kicked off the helicarrier? Let him kick your ass just once and you'll be friends for life. Even if you pretend to let him win._

_I'm sorry, (Y/N), I can't._

_Ever?_

_My head's such a mess, I really can't think past one day at a time right now._

You found yourself nodding along with him in agreement, even though he couldn't see you or get any support from it. You had no way to know what he had to be feeling, and maybe he didn't understand it either, so the best you could do was wait for him to make the first move.

_I understand, Buck. The offer will stand until you're ready._

And then for several minutes, there was nothing more. It had taken so long now that you gently set your phone back onto the table and rested your head on your pillow as you waited. You wouldn't text him again, as to not push, but you hated the feeling of not knowing if he was okay or not when he wouldn't let you connect to see it for yourself. Maybe something happened, or he may have forgotten to charge his phone, or maybe his mind flipped and you'll never hear from Bucky again. Your own mind was now the torturous one, racing until you finally heard the buzz of vibration again and hurried to grab the phone to read it.

_Is Stark okay? The last time that your eyes showed him to me, he looked scared._

_He's doing okay. The best he can. It's amazing how understanding he's been about this._

_Okay, good to know. I don't want to cause you any more trouble. I can tell that he cares a lot about you, (Y/N), even from here._

Now it was your turn to pause, and to let him wait, as you turned back to look at the man sleeping at your side. He did care about you, and he never hid it from you, even during some of your more heated arguments, or when you had to spend weeks apart for missions that you didn't share. You couldn't imagine that many men would be so kind about their significant others having a soulmate who wasn't them, but Tony Stark was one of the most confident men you had ever known, so that could be why he was taking it in stride. That, or he had a secret life as an actor and was a master at hiding how he really felt.

_It almost sounds like you know him. That's not possible though...right?"_

Little did you know, something that should have been a simple question would take nearly two years to get an answer, as the phone fell silent for the last time in a very long time.

~~~

It was never really a comfortable time for you, having to get all dressed up for one of Tony's fancy, ass-kissing-the-other-rich-people type of parties, but he had promised you that only an appearance of maybe an hour was required, then it would be a long overdue date night for the two of you. He was about to leave on a trip for a little company business and a stop at MIT to impress them with his annual donation, and he wanted some time alone before he had to go. Team missions didn't allow for you to go with him this time, with you being on Steve's chosen group for his continued hunt for Rumlow, which was about to take you to Nigeria in the morning. It felt remarkably conceited to look at your reflection in the tower's windows right now, covered in clothes that were ridiculously expensive, and a sparkle from jewelry that you could never afford, right before travelling to a country that could use the money so much more than this boring show of fortune.

"Okay," Tony interrupted your thoughts gently, "we can go. I promised an hour, and I came through right to the minute. I hope that I get some sort of reward for my efforts."

"More than an evening alone with me?"

"Hmm, let me get back to you on that," he smirked, taking your hand, "let's see how the evening goes before I commit to missing out on something that I might want even more."

"Even more?" you gasped, pulling away. "Anthony Edward Stark, you should never want anything more than time with me. I'm hurt."

"Oh, please, don't even try. You know that there's nothing I want more than you, sweetheart. But since I've already got you, maybe a few other perks are in order. A man's gotta try."

"Mmm hmm," you scoffed, reluctantly taking his hand again, "just be careful there, boy. You did very well with keeping your promise, and I'm sure we'll find a way to reward you later."

"That's my girl," he chuckled, releasing your hand and turning you towards the elevator with a playfully firm slap on your behind that made you gasp with a loud shriek. Thankfully, the music was too loud around you for anyone to give notice. "Now go change into something you actually want to wear so we can get outta here."

"Okay, but what about you? Are you seriously staying in that tux all evening?"

"Of course not," he shrugged, "I've got this covered." He quickly released his bowtie with a mere flip of his finger into the knot, pulling it from his collar with a flair of conceit as you watched. Beneath his dress shirt, which he just as readily tossed aside, was a t-shirt adorned with a sleeping kitten in very 80's large sunglasses, that somehow looked perfect with his suit coat in a way that only he could make work. "There, all set. Get moving."

~~~

The one thing that you loved about Tony, maybe more than anything else, was that he agreed that fancy dinners weren't meant to fill anyone's stomach; they were meant to be opulent and showy and barely enough to keep a human being alive because they cost so much to make. After leaving the tower on foot, walking towards Central Park, the two of you stopped at one of his favorite pizza shops to take your dinner to go.

"Honey, you've got some sauce...here," you stopped, wiping away the drip that had landed on the kitty's head at the center of his shirt. "Maybe trying to walk and eat was too many coordinated tasks for us to challenge tonight."

"Nah, if you don't make a mess of pizza then it's just not worth it."

"Then it's definitely worth it." When you were satisfied with your clean-up of his shirt, you turned your focus back to your own slice, noticing that he began to walk just a little slower as his own focus sharpened as to not spill again. You couldn't help but smile at the man's efforts, his concentration resembling what he must have looked like as a little boy in his lab working on his first invention; it was so endearing that you already missed him and he wasn't even gone yet. "So, how long will you be away this time?"

"About a month."

"Really? That long?"

"I'm gonna work fast, I promise. I don't want to be gone that long either. After MIT I need to make a quick pass through D.C. Just a little government show, you know, kissing hands and shaking babies." Your sudden choking on your food made him stop in his tracks, watching you with wide eyes until you came back to your senses and couldn't help but laugh aloud at his error. "Oh! Shit...I mean shake hands and kiss babies!"

"You sure about that?"

"What?! I love babies! Wouldn't mind having a couple someday."

"Um...really?" you asked hesitantly. Now you had forgotten all about being hungry, the slice of pizza hanging limply in your hand with the threat of the toppings about to slide off. You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket, but there was no way that anyone could be more important than Tony right now.

"Yeah, really. You up for it?"

Now you felt your stomach flip over, and there was no way that you could eat another bite. He had effectively ruined your appetite, not because of the topic, but because you never once expected it in all of your years together. "I hadn't thought...I mean...it's never come up..." Your phone vibrated again, and you continued to ignore it.

"Maybe it's something to think about while I'm gone," he answered so casually that it almost pissed you off. How could he not realize that your world had just screeched to a halt? "But before I go, there is one thing that I wanted to talk about."

"Okay?"

"I sure hope that I got the right size," he mumbled to himself, his open hand searching his pocket, "Oh, hell, I sure hope I brought it...okay, phew, there it is." With a toss of his hand, he threw his pizza in a nearby garbage, turning to you with his other hand up, and a gorgeous ring glimmering under the streetlights for you to see. The only thing matching the sparkle of the diamond at its center was the sparkle in his eyes as he watched for your reaction.

Your own dinner didn't meet as clean of a fate as his, landing on the sidewalk at your feet as it fell from your hand in your shock. "Tony..."

"They say that first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes rugrats, right?"

"That's what they say," you whispered. Your voice was failing you at a time when you needed it most, and your phone was trying to ruin the moment once again.

"Do you need to answer that?"

"What?"

"Your phone. I can wait."

"Y-yes."

"Okay," he answered, leaning back and bouncing on his heels just slightly as his energy began to build. His nerves were legendary in how they could torture him, but these were different; they weren't the kind that plagued his nightmares or his need to keep the world safe. These nerves were exciting and he could barely control them as you watched. "So, answer it."

"I wasn't talking about my phone, Tony."

"Then what...what do you...oh...oh! Okay!" It was amazing to him how quickly those nerves washed away in the single step forward towards you, and once his skin made contact with yours again. "I hope I got the right size," he repeated, mumbled under his breath as he pushed the ring onto your finger.

It fit perfectly, and the first thing you thought of, the first thing to flash unconsciously through your mind, was that you needed to tell Bucky. What you didn't realize, in your unabashed excitement not feeling it happen, was that your emotions allowed him to connect, and he watched along with you as the ring found its home on your hand.


	6. Chapter 6

_Congratulations_

Again, another late-night text message, only this time, you were in bed alone after Tony had left for his trip that next evening after the engagement. You were feeling a little lonely already, having had no time to celebrate properly until he would come home again in a month. Bucky had been the reason for the near-interruptions during your date with Tony, but you hadn't been able to answer him; you weren't sure what you would say. You had been caught up in the moment with your now fiancé, and to talk to Bucky then felt impolite.

Before you answered, you wondered why his messages were always at this time of day. Where was he? How did your time zones match up? If it was nighttime for him as well, then what was keeping him up? You immediately considered nightmares as the culprit, having been witness to Steve's own demons in action far too many times on missions that left you sleeping at his side and waking to calm him down. It made you sad to think that the same fate plagued Bucky, but the odds were strong in that favor.

 _Thank you_. You finally responded with the customary answer, and you meant it, but then it dawned on you; who had even told him? _How did you know?_

_I saw it all. Didn't you realize that we connected?_

_No, I guess I didn't. Usually it knocks me on my ass with the dizziness and nausea._

_You were busy. No offense taken._

_None meant._

Per his usual routine, Bucky didn't answer right away, nor would he for nearly an hour. As usual for you, you didn't push. It had been so long that you had heard anything from him that the last thing you wanted to do now was to send him running again. He had run enough in his life, you knew that much about the man, and you wanted to be a safe place for him once and for all.

_Are you happy?_

You looked down at your new, polished ring and couldn't stop the smile that came with it. You and Tony had been together for a long time now, and you had proven that it was a match that worked. But it was more than that; it was a match that felt right, even if the universe denied you as soulmates.

_Yes, I am._

_Then I'm happy for you._

_Buck, I haven't heard from you in two years. What's going on?_

You startled when the phone began to ring in your hands; so startled that you nearly dropped it in your surprise and fumbled to keep ahold of it. What had shocked you even more, was who it was that was calling. "Hello?"

" _Is this okay?"_ Bucky asked softly. " _Texts are good, but it feels...impersonal. I think we're past that now, right?"_

"I sure hope so. It's good to hear your voice again. You sound calmer than the last time we spoke."

_"That's pretty damn amazing with how wound up I am. I don't know, (Y/N), I haven't been able to shake this feeling, like...do you ever just get that feeling...like you're being watched?"_

"Yeah," you agreed hesitantly, "usually when I'm being watched. Where are you? I can have a jet in the air in ten minutes."

_"No, I'm not bringing you here. I appreciate it, though, I really do. I just needed a familiar voice to help me calm down. Steve used to be the only one who could do that."_

You unconsciously took a long breath and held it, your own nerves building at the prospect of an answer that could mean so much to one of your closest friends. You wished that you could will him to say what you wanted to hear, but there were no guarantees as the question passed through your lips. "Buck, do you remember him?"

_"I remember some, but just pieces and flashes of things that I haven't put together yet. I found this picture of him in that stupid Captain America get-up, and it jogged a memory or two. I kept it and might have to show it to you someday, it's kinda hilarious."_

For the first time, you heard the beautiful sound of his laughter, and it warmed your heart to know that even if he was still only a part of the man he was and should be, he could find some happiness in moments here and there. "Promise?"

_"I want to promise you, yeah."_

"That's a good start," you smiled into your words, hoping your tone would carry to him, wherever he was. "I'll take it."

~~~

_"Alright, what do you see?"_

You stirred the remaining coffee that was left in your cup, watching the liquid settle before bringing it to your lips. You were trying to seem like you belonged there, in the center of the busiest part of Lagos, trying to look as natural as possible as you waited for your teammate to answer Steve's query.

"Standard beat cops, small station, quiet street, it's a good target," Wanda answered carefully, sitting across the outdoor café table from you. She glanced up to check for your approval before Steve could answer, but you knew that he had many more questions yet to ask. He had done the very same thing to you on your first real mission, and it amused you that after all these years, he never thought to change his training methods.

_"There's an ATM on the south corner, which means?"_

"Cameras."

_"Both cross-streets are one way."_

"So, compromised escape routes."

_"Means our guy doesn't care about being seen, he isn't afraid to make a mess on the way out. You see that Range Rover half-way up the block?"_

"The red one? It's cute."

"It's also bullet-proof," you finally added in, "which means private security, which means more guns, which means more headaches for somebody. Probably us." Wanda was starting to play where there was no room for humor, and you had to put a quick stop to it; Steve didn't sound like he was anywhere near being in the mood for it today.

"You guys know I can move things with my mind, right?" Clearly, she hadn't taken your hint to pull back before she would find herself on the wrong end of Steve's temper.

"Looking over your shoulder needs to become second nature."

 _"Anybody ever tell you you're a little paranoid?"_ Sam finally joined in, from his perch above on one of the nearby buildings.

"Not to my face, why? Did you hear something?"

Wanda turned and gave you a look with fire in her eyes, and the hint of a knowing smile beginning to curl the corners of her mouth. "So, it's okay for you?" she whispered, shaking her head in disgust. "All business, huh?"

"Shut up," you snapped back playfully, but Steve was, of course, one step ahead.

_"Eyes on target, folks. This is the best lead we've had on Rumlow in six months, I don't want to lose him."_

Things were about to pick up the pace, both you and Wanda could feel it, and you could see it in her as she sat up straighter and looked around with more urgency in her eyes. A truck pushed by the café only a short distance from where you sat, the sound of the engine growing louder even as it drove farther away. Steve was saying something else in your comm, but you didn't focus on what he was saying as your phone vibrated in your pocket with a strange urgency even though you knew it wasn't possible. You pulled your comm away and brought your phone up, just as Wanda began to stand.

"Hello?"

_"Sweetheart, it's me."_

"Tony," you sighed, relived just to hear his voice, "I can't talk right now, we're about to take Rumlow. Are you okay?"

_"Yeah, for the most part. Listen, just call me when you're done, alright? Pepper cancelled on me at MIT, and I need to hang in D.C. longer than I planned."_

"(Y/N), let's move!" Wanda urged, grabbing your hand to pull you along. She was ready to take flight and as your mission partner she wasn't able to until you were on your motorcycle and on your way to the site where the world was about to explode.

"I'll call tonight, Tony, I have to go."

_"Be careful."_

"Always."

But it wasn't Tony's voice in the phone that had urged you to remember your safety, because he had hung up the second that you said you had to go; he would never want to interfere with your work and would definitely never do anything to compromise you. Besides, you knew that it was highly likely that he was already monitoring you and wasn't about to miss a minute of a mission that wasn't even his. As you swung your leg over the bike and sped down the crowded city streets, you realized that it was Bucky's voice echoing in your mind, louder than those on the streets around you. "Buck, I need you to get out of my head. I have to concentrate."

"Let me help."

"I don't need your help. This is my job."

"But maybe I can see something-"

"I don't need a babysitter!"

"(Y/N)-"

"Barnes, now is not the time! I don't want you here, so please, just back off!"

But once the words hissed through your clenched teeth in your anger, you regretted them. It was true, you needed to focus on what you were doing, but it wasn't as if this was your first mission, and you could have allowed for some interaction with him. You felt downright mean as you continued towards Steve and the rest of your team, but that would have to wait. You would have to ask Bucky for forgiveness later, as you felt the connection suddenly break, and the now familiar sense of loneliness filled your mind in his hastened absence.

Once again, you had no idea of how long he would be gone, and no idea of how soon it would actually be that you would come face-to-face. Within a matter of only a few weeks, however, it would become very clear that Bucky Barnes would become a much bigger part of your life, and neither of you had any way to stop it.

~~~

Nigeria was a complete, utter mess, and the team was left reeling in the fallout; no one more so than Wanda, now finding herself in the middle of an international battle for her rights as an Avenger, and her humanitarian status as an _enhanced individual_. Tony was due to come home any minute now, and even FRIDAY had gone silent just to stop your incessant questioning of how close he was. You couldn't shake the feeling that his voice had sounded wrong, even in the few lines spoken in your last conversation as you worked in Lagos. All it did was send your senses into a tailspin, and you wanted nothing more than to see him; one look into his eyes and you would know more than anything his words could ever convey.

"(Y/N)," Vision interrupted your thoughts, his voice gentle as to not startle you, "Mr. Stark has arrived and is asking for you before I announce him to the rest of the team."

"Finally," you sighed heavily, "thank you, Viz."

"Of course. I must advise, however, that he's brought a guest."

"Who is it?"

"The Secretary of State."

 


	7. Chapter 7

The conversation with the Secretary and the team went about as well as anyone could have expected, leaving a hard line drawn in the sand about who agreed with this new set of rules that the Accords were trying to enforce, with those who didn't agree left standing on their own to find a way to move forward. For you, it was a little hazy, trying to not be that person who would sign just because their significant other was doing it; you wanted to have your own reasons to sign or not, and it didn't escape Tony's notice that you had yet to place pen to paper.

Adding insult to injury, Steve had left abruptly, and only after Natasha had broken him down did he tell the group why he had to excuse himself with so little attention to his manners. His first, real love had passed away, and he was immediately packing to leave for her funeral in London. Tony didn't push for his signature before he left; even he could never be that insensitive despite the pressures on himself to get it done. He would do his best to stall Ross for as long as he could, but you knew as well as he did that the situation was tenuous and barely hanging by a thread.

Sam had called a few times with updates on how Steve was doing and how the services were going, but only because you had asked him to, and only because you knew that Bucky would probably want to know. His life had crossed Peggy's as well, even if he didn't fully remember it yet. You wanted the option of being able to share it with him should it come up. You had toyed with the idea of being the one to text Bucky first, when he had always been the first to do so thus far, but you held back because you had no idea at all what his life looked like, and it felt strange to you to interfere with even so much as a hastily typed message. You put your phone onto your bedside table and stood with a long stretch and a last yawn before fully waking for a new day, only to be startled immediately into it.

"Honey," Tony called to you, poking his head through the doorway, "I need you to pack a bag. There's been an explosion at the U.N. in Vienna and Ross wants me there."

You nodded in agreement without a second thought, hurrying to your closet to follow his direction. "Nat's there. Is she okay?"

"She said she's good, just a little shaken up. Not everyone was so lucky."

"Did you call Steve?"

"Was I supposed to?"

"Tony," you gasped in shock, dropping your bag on your closet floor and stepping out to see him, "you're not serious. He's still a member of this team, and Nat is one of his closest friends. You need to call him."

"Fine, how about a cursory text," he grumbled, taking his phone in hand. "I'm sure he's heard by now anyway, so this is just formality."

"Are we starting this already? Just because he hasn't signed yet, it doesn't mean that he won't."

"You haven't."

"Same answer," you replied flatly, turning your attentions back to gathering your belongings and hurriedly throwing on the first coordinated outfit that you could find. Tossing the bag on the floor towards where he stood, you glanced back to him as you crossed the room. "I'll be down in a few minutes. We can talk about this on the way there."

Tony looked down at your bag and fought an inner battle as to if he would pick it up or not. Normally, he wouldn't give it so much thought and would have been on his way to the jet with it already, but these weren't normal times for anyone anymore. In a moment of indignant disregard, he turned and walked away without it, as wrong as it felt to him to do so.

"Yep, we're starting this already," you muttered to yourself. This was going to get messy.

~~~

_Do you know me?_   
  


"Oh, my god."

"Hmm?" Tony asked you, not even looking up from his phone as he sat next to you on the jet.

"N-nothing," you answered breathlessly, as you watched a scene that he could never see as you were now. The telltale wave of dizziness struck, and you reflexively grabbed the sides of your chair for support, though you weren't the one moving at a frantic speed to keep yourself alive.

_Buck, stop! You're gonna kill someone!_

"Just run," you tried to tell him, hoping that he was hearing you. You slammed your eyes shut so that what your eyes were seeing here wouldn't distract him, so that he could keep his focus on staying alive. As you continued to see through him, you wouldn't allow yourself even a second of relief, watching him run with amazing speed through the run-down apartment building that had been his home. When he got to the ledge of the balcony and threw himself towards the building across the street, you couldn't help but open your eyes and grab a nearby bag just in time to throw up into it.

"Hey, whoa, what's going on?" Tony jumped, finally having something worth prying himself away from work. "(Y/N), you okay?" His hand rested instinctively on your back and rubbed gentle circles, trying to calm you and slow your breathing enough so that you could answer.

"Just...a little motion...sick."

"You've never had that before."

"No, no, no," you groaned, seeing that Bucky's first jump wasn't his last and readying the bag for another round. "Stop doing that..."

"Sorry," came a low, whispered reply in your mind, from the man sending your gut into a tailspin.

"Buck, who the hell...is the other guy?"

"I don't know, but I think he really likes cats."

"(Y/N), where is he?" Tony asked, realizing exactly what was happening. "You need to tell me right now, if you see anything that gives you a clue. He's the one who blew up the U.N., and we need to bring him in for extradition."

Tony's voice nearly broke your connection with Bucky, as your vision through his sight began to grow hazy. You honestly hadn't seen anything that would give him the answer he wanted, but you weren't exactly sure if you would tell him if you had. "I can't tell."

"You can't, or you won't?"

And just then, the chase ended as abruptly as it had begun, and the connection was stopped. Bucky had become very skilled in closing his mind to you, which you could only assume was a remnant of what Hydra had left behind within him. You pushed yourself back against the chair, allowing Tony to wipe the sweat from your face as you brought yourself back into the moment. He took the bag from your hands and moved it aside, his eyes never leaving you as he continued to wait for the answer you had yet to give.

"You can ask Rhodey," you finally replied, "he was the last thing I saw before I lost him."

~~~

By the time that Bucky was brought in, you were there with Tony to greet him, but not in the way that either of you would have ever expected. Steve and Sam were taken into custody with him, as was King T'Challa, whom you had yet to meet, but could tell that he would be a commanding presence in all of this no matter what anyone had to say about it.

Tony was adamant that you not be allowed to visit Bucky alone, and in retrospect, that was likely for good reason. He had no idea what state of mind that Bucky would be in, and no matter what restraints were currently holding him in place, Tony had no faith in their ability to keep them there. He also had no idea of what seeing you in person might do to the man, and he wasn't about to take any chances. As it would ultimately turn out, seeing you barely slowed the Soldier down once his persona had been forcibly triggered; you had hoped that you could stop him, and that he would understand, but the cold stare at you from the other side of his stolen gun stripped that hope away.

"You could at least recognize me," you offered, but his stance held. You were cornered at point-blank range and there was no one there to stop him. At least, that was your final thought before it all went dark as you were hit by a sonic blast from Tony that barely pushed the Soldier back, but it was enough to buy a few minutes, and enough to save your life from the man who was never supposed to threaten it.

"(Y/N), open your eyes!"

"No..."

"Sweetheart, I need you to look at me, okay?" Tony urged, desperation in his voice to just know that he hadn't hurt you in the process of saving you. That would do him in, and as much as he wanted to see the color of your eyes right now, he couldn't live with himself to see them with pain behind them by his own hand. "Are you okay? Just please, tell me that much."

"I'm okay...but where..."

"T'Challa went after him," he answered, not even needing the rest of your question. When you finally granted his wish and opened your eyes, nothing else around you mattered.

"Tony, you're hurt," you gasped, coming immediately into your senses. You sat up and reached out, your hands and eyes moving urgently to see how bad it really was. "What else did he do? Tell me."

"Hey, it's just a black eye, not my first. I'm gonna make it."

"Okay, good," you sighed, "but we have to find him-"

You tried to push your way up and past him, but you should have known better; there was no force on earth that would move you from Tony's sight now. "Like hell we do. Come on, let's get you off the floor and somewhere that I feel safer with. Steve and Sam went after him when the lights went out and no one has seen them since. Once we're cleaned up, I'm gonna need your help. We're seriously understaffed, and I've got an idea."

"Why do I feel fear instead of relief at that sentence?"

"Because you've known me too long, honey."

 


	8. Chapter 8

Steve watched out the windows of the dirty warehouse that Sam had found, listening to jets and helicopters as they flew overhead in search of them, but even more so in search of Bucky. Steve was committed to not let that happen, knowing in his core that he could turn the man back to the one he used to know, even when the world had told him time and again to let that idea go. Even now, as his former best friend sat with his metal arm in a vice grip to keep him immobile until he woke, Steve refused to be afraid of the man, no matter which version of him would wake.

"Hey, Cap!"

Steve tripped over his feet as he spun towards Sam's voice, practically barreling towards it to have his answer. Bucky's head was swimming, Steve could see that just in his motions as he woke, and the faraway look in his eyes at their first meeting. Barely a second had passed and Steve knew who he was talking to.

"Is (Y/N) okay? Did I hurt her? Where is she? Let me out of this thing so I can find her-"

"Buck, calm down, she's alright," Steve answered as calmly as he could, "she's with Tony. You didn't do anything that hurt her."

"But...but I almost did...didn't I?" he asked cautiously. Even now, he knew when he had caught Steve Rogers in a lie; even a little one to spare his feelings. "What did I do?"

"Enough."

"I knew this would happen. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words. She told me...she told me to come back with her years ago," he said, so quietly that it was mostly to himself. "If I would've listened to (Y/N) then, none of this would've happened. All those people-"

"Yeah, you should've listened," Sam agreed readily, "but now that Stark's put a giant rock on her finger, I'm gonna bet that she'll be signing the Accords in a hot minute and your shot at a stable home life is long gone. He's not gonna let you within a hundred miles of that girl after what went down today. You were the blink of an eye away from killing her, and I think that taking this into personal territory like that might make him hold a bit of a grudge."

~~~

On the way to Germany, where Steve, Bucky, and Sam were reported to be, you put on your gear to prepare, but as it settled around you, there was something that was just...off. The flexibility of the suit's joints wasn't as smooth as the last time you had worn it, and the weight seemed to have lost its balance. "Stark, what did you do to my suit?"

"Just a few modifications," he shrugged, "for safety. A little extra bullet-proof armor here and there. Maybe a little more here than there, but you get my drift."

"You know, it's bad enough that you insist that I wear this thing, but if you're going to make it uncomfortable for me to do so, then I'm going back to my old uniform. I bet you don't modify Rhodey's suit at all, right?"

Tony opened his helmet and took a stand in front of you, waiting for you to open your own to talk to him. He had made you a suit that matched his, though in a more fitted degree than his own, with far less bulkiness to keep from stifling your movements. But now that he had added a fortress of protection around it, you felt like you had to learn how to use it all over again. "(Y/N), I almost saw you get your head blown off by that nutcase, and now we're about to go up against Steve. He could very well have Barnes on his side and I won't stand by and let you be a target. If I can't stop that, at least I can know that I've protected you as much as I can this way."

"I can handle myself." You stood up in the back of the jet, the angles of your suit still not feeling like they usually did, and it all sat wrong with you when you tried to move. "Nope, this isn't going to work. I can't be effective if I feel like my underwear are up my ass the whole time. I'm changing into my old gear."

Strangely enough, he didn't argue, when you were certain that you would be on the line with him in the suit anyway. He kept a trained eye on you as you changed out of it and into your prior battle gear, the suit fitted like a second skin with your thigh holsters secured and loaded and a baton in hand. He had outfitted your gloves with blasters and boots with repulors long ago, giving you some ability to fly if needed, but it was nowhere near as efficient as the suit you had just shed. You had hoped that this would be a quick mission and that Steve would turn himself and Bucky over to you, but you would never rely so heavily on an idea that you were barely convinced of; especially once you had the chance to look into his eyes as you stood where firm lines had been drawn on a tarmac in Liepzig.

"I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart."

"You did that when you signed."

"Steve," you interrupted, "you know what's about to happen. Do you really want to punch your way out of this one?" Even as you spoke to your friend, your mind was open to Bucky to connect; it was a long shot, you knew that, but you had to try. You also had to convince yourself that it was altruistic, and not to catch him. You had to convince yourself that it was to help him, when Tony was already counting so heavily on you to be at his side too, and if you could make a connection it would be to help his own cause.

And then it happened. He was in your head.

_"We found it. The quinjet's in hangar five, north runway."_

"Bucky, no," you urged, calling out through the connection, "you don't want to do this. This isn't going to end how you think it will. Let me meet you and we can talk about this."

"(Y/N), you got a lock on him?" Tony asked frantically. "Do you know where he is?"

But before you could answer, Rhodey gave it all away and set you off in a panicked run. "I've got two in the terminal, Wilson and Barnes."

"(Y/N)! (Y/N), stand down!" Bucky finally acknowledged you with a clear order. He had nearly killed you once, and even though he felt mostly of his own mind right now, he didn't dare to put you anywhere near him if he could help it. "Stay away from me, and stay with Stark!"

"(Y/N), stop!" Tony agreed as you broke into a run, but not for the same reason. "(Y/N), dammit, you can't go after him alone!"

The two men had no effect, and your feet kept moving, faster with each step. You had no idea what you would do or say if and when you caught up to Bucky, but you knew that you had to try anything that would keep this situation from escalating any more than it already had. Explosions began behind you, fires building where you had just been standing, and the voices of your teammates on either side of the battle began to blend together.

You considered yourself lucky at first, having come into contact with Wanda only once, her strike gently tossing you aside more than anything that she could have done. T'Challa had crossed your path after his spar with Steve, slapping the shield away before it could connect and take you to the ground.

You never did make it to Bucky, with Sam at his side to keep them both moving; even Tony's new spider recruit couldn't fully stop them. You found yourself standing with T'Challa, both of you searching the grounds for him, but with strikingly different plans for the man if you found him. "Come," the King offered, extending a hand for you to follow, "they will make an attempt for the jet in unison, and we must be ready in kind."

"If we find him, maybe I can convince-"

"I know of your connection to Barnes. Stark has told each of us of your disability."

"My _disability_?"

"Yes. You are compromised, and cannot be trusted to act if you come to face him. Your purpose here is simply to find him so that we may intervene, so I suggest you keep your mind focused on that task."

"My purpose here, _Your Highness_ , is to be a part of this team and to keep Steve from destroying it. Your interests are not the same as ours, and I have no allegiance or responsibility to follow any order that you think you can give me. I don't care who you are."

"Mr. Stark has insisted-"

"No, this conversation is over," you interrupted, a hand up sharply to silence him, "now move. I'm going to find Bucky. You can go tell Tony that if he wants me to have a babysitter then he should do it himself."

T'Challa took another step towards you, blocking you from seeing Steve's team preparing to make a run for the hangar, just as he had predicted. He knew exactly what was going on behind him, as well as what was happening behind you. Tony was flying above, preparing to intercept you both. "(Y/N), I will not allow you-"

"Move. Or you will be moved."

"You'll both be moved," Tony announced, his hand down to grab your hand as he roared past, lifting you into the air to take you to the line that Vision had drawn; where the two teams were about to meet in an explosion of their own.

" _What do we do, Cap?"_

_"We fight."_

"Bucky, come on, there's got to be another way," you tried to urge again, but you had the suspicion that he was no longer listening to what you had to say. When Tony dropped you onto your feet at his side, you were staring your soulmate down for the first time in years, long after that first shared glimpse of each other. Only now, he looked different, resolved in the battle, and committed to the win at Steve's side. You had to accept that you may have been his soulmate, but Rogers would always be his other half.

~~~

"What are you going to do, (Y/N)?"

The ongoing fight had brought Bucky to stand only feet from you, almost so close that you could have reached out and grabbed him to try to hold him in place. They were at their last obstacle before freedom, you and Natasha, who seemed as if her own resolve wavered as much as yours. Steve watched Nat raise a shaking arm to prepare to strike them both down, deciding just how far he would go to stop her if he had to. The years between them had suddenly meant nothing, or so he thought, and he was at a loss. Bucky was feeling the same, but his indecisiveness was fueled by the overwhelming drive to not hurt you, as if the universe around you both would find its own way to stop him if he tried.

"Go," you whispered, looking to Nat for her hesitant nod of approval. "We'll cover you. Go."

Steve didn't waste a second by questioning your motives, charging forward and onto the jet ramp. Bucky had stopped to face you, gently resting his hands on your arms in the first contact the two of you ever had. "Thank you," he whispered, "you know that I wouldn't do this if I had any other choice." With a chaste but gentle kiss on your cheek, he released you and ran to follow his friend, but his eyes stayed locked with yours as the jet flew past and out of sight.

"Be careful," you called out to him, just as you felt the cold wash of emptiness darken your mind when he forced the connection between you to end. He was protecting you, though you never asked for it, and never wanted it; all it did was solidify your understanding, and escalate your fears.

"Nat...they're never coming back."

~~~

As if it weren't hard enough to see Bucky's eyes filled with determination to win, and pain at having to fight you, the sight was nothing in comparison to what you were about to face. T'Challa's hand pinched your skin under his grip of your arm, gently but firmly pushing you towards a waiting Tony, who was looking out over the compound grounds as if to avoid having to look at you at all. It felt not unlike a child being brought back for sentencing after the worst indiscretion of house rules.

The King released his hold and the two men shared hushed words that you couldn't make out, and you knew full well to not ask for the details that weren't meant to be shared. He gave you a glance back over his shoulder when he walked away, but his distaste for you didn't matter; the only one you worried about seeing you honestly was Tony.

"You helped them get away, (Y/N)," he finally spoke, after an agonizing silence.

"We played this wrong."

"We?" he scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief and disgust. "I'm sorry, but I wasn't sure if you remembered that there was a _we_ anymore. I had no idea that things had gotten so close between you and Barnes. So please, let's not keep me hanging anymore, okay? Whose side are you on?"

"Tony-"

"No," he snapped, turning to you with a fire in his eyes and an accusatory finger pointed, "cut the bullshit! You told me that you wanted _me_ , remember that? You chose _me_. Who are you choosing now, (Y/N)?"

"I'm still choosing you."

He took a step back and turned towards the view again, trying to calm himself with the gentle breeze over his face and the sound of the soft rustle of the leaves within it. He closed his eyes for a minute, organizing the thunder of thoughts raging in his head before he began again. "Then how could you let them go? He's a murderer, (Y/N). He killed innocent people in Vienna, and Berlin...where, might I add, he was about to kill you. That's not even considering his Hydra greatest hits collection."

"Hydra was in control of his mind. That wasn't him."

"Oh, great. Now you sound like Rogers."

"Tony, you've killed people, too. With weapons with your name on them, but you didn't set the targets yourself, did you? When you tried to stop, your name, your _identity_ , was manipulated against your will-"

"It's not the same!"

"Bucky killed people, too, but _as_ a weapon, Tony, with his face burned onto every memory just like your name was on every weapon. He didn't set the targets any more than you did. If you would stop to look for just one second, you would see that you're not as unalike as you think you are."

"That's a stretch, don't you think?" he scoffed, nervously chewing his lip as if you might have actually jogged his thoughts to accept it.

"Well, yeah, maybe I'm wrong," you shrugged. "When I think about it, before you were given a chance to find your conscience, your kill number was actually much higher than his."


	9. Chapter 9

Tony's face fell, his mouth agape and ready to retort with equal destruction that you had just stabbed into his chest, but he couldn't do it. The words seeped into the recesses of his mind, eating away at his thoughts, destroying his sanity neuron by neuron. You had planted a seed of doubt, and a seed of hatred that would, unbeknownst to you then, escalate to such a fevered state that the nuclear explosion yet to come would be obliterating.

"I didn't know you thought that way about me," he whispered, his voice shaking. "I wish you would have told me sooner."

"Tony...that didn't come out the way I meant it to...I'm sorry-"

"Yeah, me too," he nodded with a sad smile, before turning away to leave. His watch sounded with an alert, followed by an image that brightened the hallway around you; you would normally take a stand at his side to see what information was coming in, but you held firm as if you had just been informally released from duty. "What am I looking at, FRIDAY?'

As Tony's voice continued while he walked, T'Challa again appeared to stand with you, looking out over the grounds in much the same was as Tony had been. The man was an enigma that you couldn't read, and with each sound of his voice, you had no idea what words it would carry. "Is it over?"

"Is what over?"

"Your engagement."

You turned to the man with a gasp, unable to contain your shock. "I don't think that's any of your business. I couldn't care less what kind of arrangement that you and Tony have, but it definitely doesn't give you any right to ask about our personal lives."

"Hmm, perhaps that is true, I apologize for any insensitivity. However, your personal life does have some bearing on my next actions. You must come with me." T'Challa reached out for you again, but this time you evaded his grip, inciting the quietest growl of offense from his throat. He paused and lowered his hand, closing his eyes for a second and taking a long, deep breath to calm his reaction to how resistant you were being. It wasn't something that he was accustomed to in his role as Prince, and now as King. "(Y/N), I would appreciate your assistance. If you would please join me?"

"Assistance with what?"

"You know where he is."

"And you think that I'm going to tell you?" you laughed. "Well, I'm sorry to be such a disappointment _again_ , but I have no idea where they went. He's closed his mind to me and won't connect. "

"But that doesn't ensure that he will not do so again."

"Fire up the chopper," Tony said from the other end of the hallway, turning quickly to make his way to the hangar. He didn't even so much as look at you, making it unquestionably clear that you weren't invited. T'Challa had heard as well, with just a hasty look over his shoulder being enough to determine his next course of action.

"Come with me," he ordered much more firmly and succeeding in taking your arm, "this is not finished. You may not know where I can find Barnes, but if Stark knows, you're my best guarantee to find out."

And find out, he did.

~~~

"I know that road. What is this?"

As Tony watched a screen that you couldn't see from the vantage point where T'Challa had held you back, what you could see was a wave of pain slowly crossing his features. You could barely make out what he was looking at, but it was tearing away at him like nothing you had ever seen in him before; even the look on his face at the compound only hours before was nothing in comparison to this destruction. Then, one word, called out in pure, blood-chilling terror, had you breaking free from the King's grip to hurry to Tony's side; you took his gauntlet-covered hand, and he never tried to deny you.

_Howard!_

"Tony," you gasped as you watched, as your mind caught up to what you were seeing, "turn it off."

As his mother's voice was silenced, as he watched with a building rage, his grip on your hand nearly crushed the bones within it, but you didn't falter. Bucky's features lit up the screen, and your heart stopped. "Buck?"

"Did you know?"

It wasn't immediately clear who he was asking the loaded question to, but you turned to see him staring at you with a desperate hope in his eyes that you would give him the only answer his heart could withstand. "No, Tony, I didn't, I had no idea."

He then turned to Steve, to receive a single word from the man who was supposed to be his friend. A man that he had hated for so much of his life, and he had no urge to return to those feelings after all this time. But even as he waited, Tony knew what Steve would say.

"Yes."

"Tony-" you tried, but all it got you was a hard shove of his covered hand against your chest, not to push you away out of anger, but to protect you from what he was about to do. Your body bounced against the rough wall, dropping you to the floor with a wince of pain at the impact, while his other hand struck down Steve and set the most destructive fight you had ever seen into motion.

"We must go," T'Challa urged, taking long strides towards you from where he had watched the scene play out. "We cannot let that man escape."

"I have to stop this..." you whimpered, your body arguing with every movement. Your reaction was visceral, making you sick at the sight of what was happening just beyond your reach. A man you loved with the core of your being, a man who had come to be one of your best friends, and a man you were forever bonded to were on a path to destroying each other, and you were powerless to veer them from it.

"You will be killed if you try. Come with me now, (Y/N)."

"No, I won't." Pushing yourself up and onto uncertain legs, your head spun at the shift in position; you reached back at the sensation of a trickle against your scalp, only to find that the hit against the wall was harder than you thought. "Even if I can't stop them...I can't leave them."

"(Y/N), please listen to me, and hear me when I say that you will provide no benefit to them if you stay. This fight has many contentions, and _you_ are one of them." T'Challa turned at the sound of the heavy, rusted door opening again, and he could wait no longer. "I cannot stay and argue this with you. Just don't get yourself killed," he hissed, turning to give chase to the man at the center of his own vengeance.

You knew that you had no chance to stop any of them by physical means, and you had no idea if anything you had to say would be heard through their rage towards each other. Bucky was doing his best to stay one step, or one level ahead of Tony, with Steve following to try to slow him down to give Bucky the smallest chance of getting away. FRIDAY was doing all she could to keep the suit in the air, it's boot jets failing and sputtering just enough to keep him from free-falling to the base of the bunker. In the end, none of her efforts mattered when Steve's grappling hook dug into the suit's armor, wrapping around its neck to drag Tony into whatever hell waited at the bottom of the cavern.

~~~

But Steve had miscalculated; he thought that bringing Tony to the lowest point would allow Bucky to climb his way out. What had happened was a poor tactical move, giving Tony the high ground over him, staring down through the mask with a fury that didn't need it to be lifted away to be felt. "This isn't going to change what happened."

"I don't care. He killed my mom," Tony answered, his voice as broken as his heart had become. Yours began to shatter with his at the sound, and when his attentions turned to you, watching and waiting for you to climb down and drop onto your feet next to him, you were quickly, utterly destroyed. But you wouldn't let him see that; he was suffering enough and you refused to entertain making it worse. Never again. "What about you, sweetheart? You're the soulmate of the man who killed my parents. What kind of person does that make you?"

"A person who will always choose you."

"Okay," he sighed softly, and you could hear his attempt at a smile within it, right up until the second he turned and threw himself at Steve as if time hadn't just stopped for the two of you. He ignored the chance that this could be turned around, and threw his pain into the battle with a new purpose, and a new, unbridled wrath.

You watched from where you had thought you would be safe, just back from the ledge that Tony had just leapt from, but for Bucky, it wasn't far enough away. He took a few bounding steps past you, his arm connecting as he passed, pushing you back and away to where he hoped that you wouldn't see who he was about to become. He flung himself at Tony, without a care to himself, working seamlessly with Steve to keep him occupied. Tony looked as if he was outnumbered and outmatched, and when he was literally backed into the wall with nowhere to go, he found his only way out; through Bucky.

"Buck!" you called out to him as he fell to his knees, staring at the gaping absence of his left arm. It was gruesome and abhorrent to see what Tony was capable of, and you tried your best to rationalize it away as self-defense just to soothe your own conscience. As Steve picked up the fight and led Tony away, you jumped down to see the damage for yourself, cradling Bucky's head on your lap to calm him. "Hey, you're gonna be okay. I'm right here."

"But...you just said...you choose him..."

"Shhh, quiet. That doesn't mean that I can't help you. That doesn't mean that I'm going to let this continue any longer, either. This has to stop before they kill each other."

"(Y/N), don't go...stay by me..."

"It's okay, Buck, I'll be fine. I'm mostly sure that they won't hurt me on purpose," you tried and failed at reassuring either of you. Holding his head in your hands, you gently rested it on the cold ground, stood and turned towards the two men, waiting for your opportunity to take that leap of faith either into a peaceful resolution, or into a flaming end of everything that you loved.

Either way, the only thing that you could see, and the only thing that drove you towards an insane move that was sure to fail, was that Steve was about to slam his shield into Tony's face. He was going to kill him, and in that moment, anyone could have mistaken you for a super soldier as your adrenalized strength took over. You burst forward, turning to square your shoulder for the hit, knowing that you were likely to shatter it on impact, but not slowing at all. You were moving so fast, in fact, that even as the shield crashed into the arc reactor and not Tony's face at all, it was too late to stop. You caught Steve in the side before he brought his arms down, knocking the wind out of him as you both tumbled to the ground, and feeling the bones of your shoulder separate and crack first from the hit to his rock-solid chest, then to the frozen concrete beneath you both.

"(Y/N)!" Tony called to you first, but he was unable to move after the jolt to the suit. "FRIDAY, is she okay?"

"I'm reading a broken right shoulder, splintered clavicle, compound fracture of the humerus, and a mild concussion, boss. The concussion appears to have happened shortly before this incident."

"(Y/N), why did you do that? I only wanted to stop him," Steve joined in. He rolled over to face you, quickly finding his way to his knees to be at your side. He reached out to try to lift you from the cold before it set into your body, but his hands simply hovered and he looked terrified to try. "Tell me where-"

"Everywhere," you winced, barely able to breathe with the pain. Any little movement of your chest to expand for air shifted your shoulder, leaving you with a building agony as each second passed. "You were going to kill him, Steve. Don't touch me."

"I wouldn't-" he tried, his hands not moving away despite your tone.

"I said...don't touch me."

Bucky was next to try to come to your aid, but he was suffering enough on his own and he couldn't find the energy anymore; he wanted to help, it was driving him through instinct, but his body was fighting against it and only tiring him more. Steve had no choice but to run, once again, and for the foreseeable future ahead. The regret carried his frame as he pulled the shield from the reactor with an exhausted groan, his steps dragging as he struggled to help his friend from the floor.

"That shield doesn't belong to you," you spat in anger at the man you no longer knew. "You don't deserve it. Tony's father made that shield."

And just like a church bell that tolls for the memory of the lost at the close of a funeral, the shield rang out as it fell to the ground, leaving Steve's hand for the last time.


	10. Chapter 10

Hospital coffee was the worst. It took a little bit of effort to not cross the waiting room to sneak away the unwatched Starbucks cup that one of the doctors had foolishly set down on the check-in desk. Tony would bet anyone that the sludge in his cup had sat stale in the pot for days without notice, but honestly, he didn't actually care that much, either. Once he stopped to think about what other options there were, it began to taste a little better.

He could be dead right now. You could be dead. Steve could be...well...he wasn't quite ready to go there just yet. Steve could be wherever he is, doing whatever it is that dinosaurs do in their free time, so long as it was nowhere near you. Of course, he didn't feel like he had much right to be near you, either.

"Mr. Stark?"

"Yeah," Tony jolted from his thoughts, standing quickly and tossing his cup into a nearby garbage, "that's me. How's she doing?"

"Very well. She woke up about fifteen minutes ago, so you can come back to see her if you'd like."

"I would, thanks." He paused and waited for the nurse as he held out his hand for her to take the lead as she passed by to another door just past where he had spent the last four hours, nearly immobile in the most uncomfortable chair he could find. She was ridiculously young, and he fought the urge to venture a guess at her age. A small groan escaped his throat as the numbers ran through his exhausted mind; he was probably old enough to be her father. His aching joints and muscles fully agreed and ridiculed him, and the thoughts washed away as quickly as they came. "Will the doctor be coming by to fill me in on taking care of her once I get her home?"

"Um, well, about that..." she smiled nervously, "I don't think that you'll have much to do, Mr. Stark."

"I'm sorry?"

"I have a sneaking suspicion that by the time we get to her room, she'll be dressed and ready to leave. She's not anxious to stay any longer than she needs to."

"That sounds about right. I'm sorry, she doesn't take well to being told what to do if she doesn't want to do it."

"We considered the use of restraints."

"Oh, I'd pay real cash to see that," Tony smiled genuinely, "can we still make that happen?"

"I heard that!" you called out to them as they approached your door. "Even with only one good arm, I'd like to see you try."

Tony's smile only grew wider at the sight of you, fully dressed in your own clothes just as the nurse had predicted. He hurried to greet you, his arms out to take you within them, only to stop inches from connecting, pulling back as if you were suddenly breakable to his touch. "Now, honey, be nice to the nurses. They have the best drugs."

"Then grab some on the way out. I'm ready to go."

"Hey, slow down. You just got out of surgery, and your brain is still a little scrambled. My fault, by the way, very sorry. I'm sure you feel fine right now, but it won't take much to wear you out. We're in no rush-"

"Maybe _you're_ not," you interrupted, "but I just want my own bed, and my own pajamas, and a shitty movie marathon. I want some time to feel like life isn't this mess that I can't find a way to dig us out of. Everything is so broken."

"So are you, (Y/N)," Tony answered, with a gentle tone and his smile gone. "I'll take you home right now, but you need to promise me that you'll actually rest, and let your body heal. I know how you get when you put your mind to something, and I'm not having it. Not this time. I'm in charge, understand?"

Maybe it was the concussion and messy jumble of senses that were toying with reality, but you were certain that you heard the nurse take a quick, heated breath at his commanding comment; when she immediately spun away from facing you as soon as your eyes met hers, you knew that you were right. "Hey, Real Nurse Barbie," you snapped, "don't delude yourself."

You slid your hand though Tony's arm as he held it out for you to take, walking past the wheelchair that they had insisted that you use to take you to the hospital's exit. He laughed under his breath, resting his open hand over yours as you waited for FRIDAY to bring a car to meet you. A few other pedestrians passed on the sidewalk, with several more nurses and a few doctors who crossed in front of you as they entered the building to start their shifts. With each one whose eyes may have lingered a little too long on him for your liking, you returned their attentions with a daring glare that chilled their confidence immediately.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again, (Y/N). It's kinda hot when you fight for me."

~~~

Your determination to live like a slug on your couch for a few days began pretty well; Tony lined up what may have been the best movie marathon he had ever assembled, keeping you both awake well into the next morning. Beyond his expertise at entertainment, he wasn't a half-bad nurse, either. Whatever you needed, he had it in hand before you had the chance to ask for it. He was an excellent pillow to rest your head on, and he always kept you warm. You didn't need as much attention as he was giving you, and you could do most of what he had done for you on your own, but he could be very insistent, and you had no desire to argue. There had been enough of that lately.

"Alright, time to pee," he announced, gently pushing you up so that he could move from behind you without disturbing you too much. "You've been pushing on my bladder for the last two hours."

"I'm sorry, I could have moved."

"I'm not complaining, I'm just about to burst."

"Aw, good luck, sweetie," you chuckled, "I believe in you."

"I appreciate the support!" he called back to you, now jogging down the hallway with a small wave of his hand as he moved out of sight.

You allowed yourself those few minutes to close your eyes, the immediate burning beneath your lids making you realize just how exhausted you really were. The relaxation of your muscles crept from your shoulders and down to your chest, into your arms, and across your belly; you didn't want to fall asleep without Tony, but it felt like there was no stopping this now.

"Miss?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'll be routing a call to your phone. It's King T'Challa."

And with that name, you found sobriety from your fatigue, and any pain that you may have been feeling from your injuries was gone. You pushed up on your good arm and searched the table for your phone, peeking beneath the plethora of dishes and junk food packages until it began to ring to give you a clue of direction. "H-hello?" you struggled a bit, the phone fumbling in your only usable hand.

_"Hello, (Y/N). I hope that I'm not disturbing you."_

"It's 4am here, so you're lucky that you caught me."

 _"I do apologize, but I can't offer to call again at another time,"_ he answered. _"I must ask a question of you, but I want to first assure you that my intentions are to help. I have no other motives. Do you believe me?"_

"Despite my better judgment...yes. So, ask."

_"How soon can you arrive in Wakanda? I can send a transport for you."_

"Um..." you paused, turning to see that Tony had yet to return, "why do you need me in Wakanda? What's going on?" A few thumps and bangs in the kitchen made you gasp and jump slightly, until you realized that Tony had simply taken a detour for more food before coming back to you. "I can't give you an answer until I know more."

_"The only thing that I can say, until we are able to speak in person, is that this is a matter of implicit trust, and the circle of knowledge in this is very small. You have been requested as being a part of that."_

"But not Tony?"

_"As of now, I'm sorry, but no."_

You had to take a deep breath, conscious of the motion of the rise and fall of your chest, just to regain control of the rhythm. Your nerves were racing, and you weren't exactly sure why. T'Challa hadn't told you a thing about what was happening, but the recesses of your mind began to put ideas together, even if they were unlikely. "It's Bucky, isn't it?"

There was a momentary silence from the King that gave you your answer when he wouldn't do it directly. " _I require an answer, (Y/N)."_

"Yes, okay, I'll be there," you blurted out under the pressure. "Send a jet. I'll be ready."

_"Very well-"_

"But T'Challa," you broke in, "I won't lie to Tony. I'll be telling him where I'm going."

_"That decision is yours alone, (Y/N). Be ready in two hours."_

"But it's a ten-hour flight?"

_"Yet I still need you ready in two."_

With that, the line closed. You turned towards the sensation of being stared down, waiting for Tony to speak first. You weren't sure how long he had been standing there, and how much he had heard, but that didn't matter. Your promise to him would stand and you would answer him honestly.

"Two hours?" he asked quietly with a gentle nod. "We should probably get you packed. Come on, I'll help." He crossed the room quickly and took your hand, helping you to stand from the couch to lead you upstairs to get ready. As your muscles shifted, it became clear that you had been on that couch a little too long, and maybe T'Challa's call was timelier than you had thought.

"Just like that? You're not going to ask me anything?"

"I don't have to, honey. I've kind of been expecting this, but I didn't think it would be so soon. Say hello to Rogers for me, and let T'Challa know that he's got one hell of a hideout. I haven't been able to track those two anywhere." The two of you reached the elevator, and he fell silent as the numbers got closer to your floor, his eyes locked on them as they shifted. He was having too hard of a time looking at you, knowing that it would break him. "I should've known that I wasn't actually in charge, but that's fine. Acceptance is good, right? Just come back to me, okay?"

"Tony, I told you, and I meant it," you answered calmly, though your insides were knotted, "I'll always choose you."


	11. Chapter 11

The trip to Wakanda was unconventional to say the least; the speed alone had your head dizzied to try to work the equations of it, but what made it even harder to know the answer was the seclusion you were placed in so that you didn't have a frame of reference to reveal their secrets. Your phone had been shut down and was being held until you were to return home, and you hoped that Tony wasn't back there losing his mind over the disconnect. The panic that it would insight could be legendary.

"We have arrived," the pilot's voice announced softly. "The King and Captain await you."

"Thank you, but, just the two?"

She didn't respond immediately, and yet you didn't dare to move from where you had been directed to stay. As welcomed as you felt, and as courteously as you had been treated as a guest, you had the distinct feeling that to challenge anything would not be taken as politely.

"You sound nervous."

"Maybe a little," you conceded. "Only because I really haven't been told anything, so I have no idea what I'm being taken into."

"Then on behalf of the King, I offer our apologies. We are about to land, if you care to join me."

"Really?" you asked pensively, standing slowly as if she might suddenly change her mind. "I'd like that." Even when she didn't deny you in a last-minute change of decision, you moved carefully towards her to stand at her side as she brought the ship in towards open grounds next to a beautiful, ornate building that had to be T'Challa's home. No other structure looked close to similar, and it was definitely suited for royalty. "This is amazing. Your city...I've never seen anything like it."

"Not many have. You must be trustworthy to be included."

"Pfft, no pressure, right?"

For the first time, she smiled and gave a small laugh at your sarcasm, as if some unspoken tension had finally been broken. "I admit, I haven't done all that I could to relieve that feeling. It's not often that we bring outsiders here. My name is Okoye."

"(Y/N)," you smiled back, "but I guess you knew that already."

"Yes, I did. It's on your luggage, and you respond to the name when called."

"Like a dog," you snorted, covering your face in embarrassment, though now you were both laughing freely and you finally felt like you could breathe. You may never see this woman again, but she had definitely made a lasting first impression. "Wow, I think I just insulted myself."

"Not at all," she argued, "I love dogs. But do be aware that our King is more partial to cats."

"Oh yeah, believe me, I've heard."

~~~

Back at home, Tony wasn't nearly so jovial, but he agreed with your newest friend; you were trustworthy, and he was banking on that to keep him sane in your absence. The rules were made very clear before you stepped onto their jet; no phones, no communicators, no tracking. Every one of his tools had been denied, and for the first time, Tony felt like he was an ordinary man, with only his faith in your skills to keep you safe, and your promise to him to keep your word to return.

He admitted to himself, finally, that he wasn't in the best shape after his fight with Steve. It wasn't a great time for you to leave, with his mind so cluttered and his anger barely under control, but he wasn't about to deny you something that he could see that you had to do for your own security. He had to admit to himself that if the roles were reversed, you would do the same. His altruism wasn't perfect, however; it took amazing restraint to not pull you back as you let his hand go, because he felt as if he had lost everything already, and your loss would be too much.

"Hey, pouty boy, can you spot me?"

"Hmm?" Tony shook from his trance at his friend's voice, "oh, yeah, sure." He popped up immediately with a newfound burst of energy, hurrying to take his position to help Rhodey walk in therapy for the third time already that day, and it was barely 8am.

"Where did you go?" Rhodey asked gently. "You were lost in that head of yours again."

"Eh, nowhere, don't worry about it."

"I'm not worried, don't twist it. I was more curious than anything."

"Are we gonna make small talk about my psychoses?"

"Best entertainment around."

"Thanks," Tony chuckled dryly. "Speaking of psychoses, isn't this like, your hundredth time on the bars today? Obsessive much?"

Rhodey turned with a hard, cold stare, but it didn't stop him from taking the first step ahead, albeit shaky and uncertain. "My ass is right here, Stark. You want me to drop the pants before you pucker up?"

Tony coughed and choked on his own air at the visual playing in his mind, his laugh trying to break through as he fought to catch his breath. If there was anyone in the world other than you to bust his chops and set him straight, it was this guy. "You know I'm a visual thinker, you son of a bitch. Oh, god, the sight."

"My ass is beautiful. You'd be lucky to get that close to art like that."

"Okay, okay, enough! I've got it! Your ass is the eighth wonder of the world, you win."

"Mmm hmm," Rhodey agreed readily. He took three more steps, each with Tony close at his side and his arms out to catch him if he toppled in any direction. "Listen, Tone, I know how hard this has to be for you. You're running dark and you have no way to know that she's okay, I get it. But you trust her, right?"

"Of course."

"Then that's all you need, okay?"

"Yeah, I know you're right, but this is me you're talking to-"

"You're scared that she's gonna change her mind? That once she spends real time with him, she'll bail."

"Wouldn't you be?" Tony snapped back, the levity that had just filled the room now gone. "They're soulmates, Rhodes. That's universal, hocus pocus shit that I can't fight with anything that I could ever build. In all of time and space, I'm nothing. I'm...I'm a moment in her life. I'm disposable."

Rhodes stopped mid-step and slammed his foot down, twisting his body with a thrust of his hip to turn so that he was fully facing Tony. He put a hand over his as it rested on the bar, not allowing him to pull it away. "Now, you listen to me. I'm sick of that voice in your head that keeps pushing you down. Howard is dead, Tony. Stop letting him control you. (Y/N) has said over and over that she chose you during all of this. Hell, it's the last thing she said before she left. You have to believe her. If you don't, that's just insulting her and how much she loves you."

"I do believe-"

"No, you don't."

"Rhodes, I do."

"Tony, if you believed her, we wouldn't need to have this conversation." When Tony didn't say anything more, his only reaction to drop his gaze to the floor with a heavy sigh, Rhodes knew that he had the gears in his mind churning, and the pep talk was over. "That girl may know you better than you think, but don't you ever forget that I was here first, and no one knows you like I do. Not even you."

~~~

You didn't have to ask Okoye to stay at your side as you disembarked and made your way not to the palace as you had first thought, but into an underground structure carved into a mountain just outside of the city. It was striking in its technology, and the energy from every direction around you was invigorating. You tried to soak in as much of the sights as you could, committing it to your memory and praying that it would stay; your thoughts went to Tony, and how much he would love to see this. It made your mood shift and become sad, and the joy of what you were seeing started to fade.

"This way," she commanded, glancing back over her shoulder to be sure that you weren't falling behind, "the Captain will see you first. T'Challa was called away for a moment, but he will return soon."

"Okay, thank you," you said quietly. "But, can I ask a question?"

"Of course, though I can only answer those that are allowed. Some things are meant to be guarded."

"Right, I understand. I just want to know-" you stopped abruptly with a loud gasp, and your feet followed, freezing you in place. The two of you had just turned into a room filled with bright light and equipment that looked like it was from the future, with people moving around as if hurried to work, though they were completely silent. At the center of their attentions sat Bucky, watching a man cover the shoulder where his arm had once been connected.

"Go ahead," Okoye instructed. "This is why you are here."

You ran past her with barely a nod to acknowledge her, but you would have to apologize for your lack of manners later. You had tunnel vision on only one goal; only one person in this room meant anything and nothing would stop you from reaching him.

"Whoa, hold on just a minute! There's no running in my lab!"

If your wits hadn't still been with you, you would have run the woman over as she stood to block you, but her voice broke through enough to avoid that disaster. "I'm...I'm sorry," you panted in shock, "I didn't mean to-"

Bucky was drawn from his attention and towards you now as you came into his sight, and his face brightened into a smile like you had never seen from him in the few times that you had actually laid eyes on him. He hopped down from the table to go to you, but the IV that he was hooked up to stopped him. That, and a harsh command that scared him to his core.

"No! Sit down! If you pull that out then we have to start it all over! Do you really think that anyone wants to hear a grown man cry over a tiny little needle again? Sit!" When Bucky had sat down to her liking, she turned back to you with a roll of her eyes and an exasperation that you knew she had come to know only because a certain Captain was likely trying her patience. "I'm Shuri. You must be (Y/N)."

"Yes," you smiled, with a hand extended, but she didn't take it. Instead, she laughed and slapped her own against it to greet you, giving you a sense of how young she really was.

"Wonderful! Now that you are here, maybe this one will shut up about _how much longer_?" she joked mockingly with a distinct pout in her voice. " _Is she here yet? Did she call_? I can't stand it for one minute more, but T'Challa won't let me put him in the freezer until he sees you."

"Put him in the _freezer_?" you asked, looking past her to Bucky worriedly. "What do you mean?"

"It's for the best, (Y/N)," Bucky answered for her, despite her stare of warning. "I can't trust my own mind. So, until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head, I think going back under is the best thing. For everybody."

"And Steve is okay with this?"

"It's not up to Steve. Now come here, so I can see you one more time before she starts." Bucky held out his hand and waited for Shuri to step aside so that you could pass, his eyes practically begging her to let you.

"Five minutes," she warned with a point to each of you. "I have plans tonight, not that anyone asked..."

"Thank you, Shuri," he laughed softly with a small bow of his head, though his eyes never left you as you came closer. "Wow, what kind of a pair are we? Put us together and we've got a full set." He turned his body slowly to show his left side, nodding towards your right and the sling you were still wearing.

"That's hilarious."

"I thought it was," he shrugged. "Come on, don't look at me like that. This is the right thing to do, (Y/N). It's the only way to be sure that I can't be triggered again. The last time...I almost killed you, and I'll be damned if that will ever happen again, to anyone. Besides, you're not really losing anything here. We barely know each other, and you have a big, fancy wedding to plan."

"It feels really selfish of me to say this, but I won't get to know you at all."

"Hopefully, this isn't forever." Bucky turned towards where Shuri had stopped at the table next to you both, waiting for her nod of agreement. When she finally complied, he had found his smile again. "See? This is just putting things on pause for a while."

"Okay," you sighed and dropped your gaze to the floor, feeling strangely defeated. He reached out to take your hand, but you pulled back to not let him connect.

"Hey, look at me." You followed is direction, but your eyes were filled with nothing but regret that this is where it was all ending. "(Y/N), you're the best person I know. I mean, I like Steve, but I might be thinking that just because he told me that I do..." he paused, thinking it over for a second before starting again. "Anyway, listen, you were nice to me when no one else was, and you had no reason to be. You were the only friend I had, and it got me to thinkin'."

"About?"

"That soulmates can mean more than one thing. That we can love more than one person in this life, in all kinds of ways. That hopefully, someday, I can shake Tony's hand and congratulate him for finding the best girl in the world."

 


	12. Chapter 12

It was a devastating moment when Bucky went back into cryo, when the ice crystallized on the glass around him. You were sad, sure, and you were going to miss the chances at connection, but Steve was staring at his friend like he would never be able to move from this spot. Shuri had been kind enough to let you both stay in the lab after she had completed her work, letting what had happened sink in before they took Bucky away, but as they came to do just that, Steve moved to stop them exactly as you had suspected he would.

"Steve, stop," you warned, taking a firm hold of his arm, "you can't. You know that this is the safest place he could be."

"Doesn't make it any easier."

"I know."

"Can you still connect with him?"

You released his arm when he stilled, but he had yet to turn back and retract the moves he had made. Closing your eyes, you took the time to find the right words as to not completely destroy the man, knowing that your answer wouldn't be the one he wanted. You felt bad for him, losing the friend he had just found after so long apart, but you couldn't lie just to ease his pain either. "I don't know, Steve. I don't think so, but I think there's a lot going on here that none of us fully understand. We'll just have to wait and see."

"Right," he muttered under his breath. When he turned back to you, with shoulders again squared and his stature returned, his eyes went to the sling on your arm. "I'm sorry that you got hurt, and that I made you feel like you had to step in. I wasn't thinking clearly, and I wasn't in control, and...and I'm just really sorry."

"I know. I think we all are."

"So, now that you've opened that door, how's Tony?"

"I can't speak for him, but I think he's doing as well as he can, all things considered. How are you doing after everything?"

Steve paused and considered the question, and the implications of what he might say, much as you had. But after a moment, he came to the conclusion that it didn't even matter anymore; everything was broken, hurting, and desolate. What difference would it make if he just said whatever the hell he felt like? Nothing could really get much worse. "Pretty terrible. I don't think that I've ever felt so lost, (Y/N). Even when I came out of the ice to a different world, it wasn't this bad."

"Then I think you answered your own question. He's not doing much better."

"But he has you."

"Yeah, well...I worry that he doesn't see it that way, with all of this going on," you paused, with a wave of your hand at the room. "Maybe with Bucky back under, I can try to fix some of the damage back home. I just took off across the world to see the man who killed his parents, Steve, with no way for him to contact me. He didn't fight me on it like he should have. He's not okay, either."

You had been on your feet for long enough now that you began to feel the fatigue set in again, having had only a couple hours of sleep on the jet ride from home. The pain in your shoulder was creeping up on you, and try as you might, it wasn't hidden from the man next to you with legendary observational skill.

"What's going on?"

"I'm just tired." A tiny shift in position that moved the sling caught his eye, so your lie wouldn't pass.

"Come here," he offered, holding his hand out to direct you, "I think I have an idea."

"For what?"

Your skepticism wasn't lost on him, and his hand dropped to cross his arms over his chest instead. "There used to be a time when you trusted me."

"That was before you tried to kill my fiancé."

"No, I didn't try to...I wasn't-" he argued, but stopped before he fully reacted, "okay, we've been there already. You don't have to trust me, that's fine. I deserve that. But I would like you to consider that I might be able to help you. Or actually, I know someone who can. Please?"

Well, it likely couldn't get much worse, so you decided to follow. Steve seemed honest in his regrets, and the only way to start to rebuild was to show him that you were ready to try. The sound of Tony's voice echoed in your head as you made your way back to where you had found Bucky when you arrived; he wouldn't have been so eager to trust, but maybe you could set an example to start the road back together for the Avengers.

"Sit," he commanded, but in a soft tone, "I'll be right back."

Instead, once he left your sight, you pushed back onto the table and leaned into the pillow, pulling your legs up to allow yourself a little rest as you waited. If you were lucky, you might even fall asleep. When relaxation finally came, it quickly began to feel like this was your lucky day after all.

"Excuse me?"

"Hmm?'

"I couldn't help but notice, did they use titanium? To fix the break in your arm?"

Your eyes popped open in surprise, and you sat up in a near panic, the idea that you were being examined against your will inciting a nervous reaction. "How did you know that?"

"We have very sensitive equipment to monitor the levels of vibranium within the mountain, and they picked up the metal in your arm. I didn't mean to pry, but I needed to find the source."

"Oh. No, it's okay," you apologized too, "I'm sorry if I startled you."

"If I may, we could hasten your recovery to mere minutes, if you would be amenable to that."

"How-"

"Oh, there you are!" Steve interrupted, hurrying back to your side. "(Y/N), this is L'Wazi, he works with Shuri and helped Buck and I when T'Challa brought us here. L'Wazi, I wanted to ask if you could help (Y/N) with some of the pain she's having, if I'm not asking too much, of course."

"I can repair her injury completely, if she so chooses."

"Okay, I'm right here," you broke in angrily, "stop talking about me like I'm not. I can make my own decisions if someone would maybe just cut the bullshit and tell me what's going on."

"Language," Steve mumbled into his hand, but quickly silenced under your glare. "(Y/N), he's offering to replace the titanium rod used to stabilize your arm with a vibranium one, which should heal the injuries around it at the same time. Did I get that right?"

"Yes, sir, you did. You're a fast learner," he answered with a grin. "We can have the procedure complete within the hour."

"Just like that? I can get rid of this stupid sling?" you asked eagerly. "But what's the price? There's always a catch." You looked to L'Wazi, but you should have known to look at Steve first. You should have known that nothing in life was free, but the cost would be something that you would have paid without his help, and without question.

"Well, there's this one thing that I could use a friend's help with. Are we friends again, (Y/N)?"

~~~

Back in New York, Tony was immersed in work at Stark HQ, finding it to be the only way that he could keep his mind from wondering what you were doing every minute after minute. He had become a man obsessed and he couldn't stand it. Obsessions weren't good for Tony; he knew it and so did anyone close to him. It was Rhodey who had pushed him out and into work again, with Pepper there to welcome him with a pile of tasks that could take a week or more. Some of them were mundane at best, but he took them on as if nothing were more important. But now, after a long day of staring at paperwork that he was sure made him lose valuable brain cells, he was exhausted, leaning back in his chair with a long yawn and a stretch to relieve the start of a headache.

"FRIDAY, could you give Rhodey a call and see if he wants me to grab dinner on the way home? Actually...scratch that," Tony smiled to himself. "Call Pep and tell her she's coming over to hang with us for the evening. Get Happy in on it too. It's been too long since the four...of us..."

"Boss?"

"F-FRIDAY," he gasped, his vision blurring and darkening, replaced with a scene that was a world away. It was a scene that he wasn't meant to see, with eyes that weren't his. He dropped to his knees in the overwhelming sensation, and he finally understood. He connected to his own soulmate for the first time, and it terrified him. All he wanted was for you to be there to keep him safe from what he might see.

"Boss, should I call for help?"

"No," he barely choked out. He buried his head in his hands to try to steady himself, but he failed, tipping over to lay on the floor until it passed. "Who are you?"

But there was no answer, no voice in his head that would tell him. All he had was a sight that he would never have expected in a million years. It was you, dressed in black and moving like you were working to not be seen, in a darkened room that barely allowed the glimpse of you he was getting. "(Y/N)?"

_I'll take the team in the entry and shut down surveillance. I'll signal when you can move in and get the guys out. Then we'll find Wanda. She's likely under heavier guard._

Tony could see you and hear your instructions as clear as if he were right there with you, but what he couldn't understand and what he couldn't know for certain, was whose eyes were you looking back into?


	13. Chapter 13

Tony lifted himself up from the floor, his body feeling weak, and the nausea of his first experience with connection barely beginning to subside. He immediately felt empathy for you now, but also a glimmer of hope that it wouldn't happen every time; you seemed to become more tolerant with each episode that he had been there to witness. Beyond the physical recovery, his mind was nowhere near as readily coming back together.

No one had answered him when he asked for the name of his sudden soulmate, and the only face he ever saw was yours. He had heard other voices but they were muffled and unclear; he was left in a mystery that he had no way to know how to solve. His first instinct was to call you, but you were clearly busy and he couldn't risk your being caught on the Raft during a breakout. He didn't agree with it, but he deliberately had to look away to protect you.

That didn't mean that he would give you a pass on this, however. You would have explaining to do when you got home, for both your actions, and who it was that you were talking to when his world got twisted upside down. But even with his jumbled mind, Tony was fully aware that you were likely talking to the one person he knew you were there with. The one person that he couldn't accept as being tied to him this way, not after everything that had just happened to tear his team apart.

"FRIDAY," he sighed, dropping into his chair, "cancel what I said. I'm not in the mood for company anymore."

~~~

"Hey, whoa, are you okay?"

"Yeah...I just got really dizzy and I...I couldn't see for a second, but I think it's stopping."

"Steve," you called out to him in an urgent whisper, "hold back a minute. Something's going on with Nat."

Steve jogged back towards the two of you, his own concern now taking over his determination to keep moving once he saw her face and the loss of color in it. "Nat, if you need to sit this out, it's okay. (Y/N) and I can get the team out on our own if we have to."

"No," she argued, taking a long, deep breath to steady herself, "I think I'm okay. It was the weirdest thing. It just hit me out of nowhere, and then it was gone. I swore I heard someone talking to me, but it was all muffled." She gave her head a little shake, and sat straighter to square her shoulders in determination to keep moving. Natasha wasn't one to ever give up on a mission, and no matter what it was that had just happened, it wasn't enough to be the first time. It would just have to wait.

~~~

Tony couldn't wait any longer. He had tried to play your mission out in his head; how long it would take you to disable the Raft's surveillance, how long you usually took to knock a man out, then he stopped to smile at the fact that he knew that so well, and it only made him miss you again. The clock ticked the minutes by as he imagined Steve charging through the facility, tearing the doors of his team's cells open, and ushering them to the getaway jet or chopper or boat, or floating the ocean on his back, for all he knew.

When he convinced himself that enough time had passed, he pulled out his phone, took a breath, and hoped for the best. You had told him that you weren't allowed to communicate with him, but this was important enough to try anyway. His fingers danced across the screen, a little frantically, but he got it right on the first try. He held the phone to his ear and closed his eyes, begging the universe around him for just one small favor.

Of course, there was no answer.

"Hey, sweetheart, it's me," he spoke into your voicemail, when he had no other options. "I just wanted to say...that um...I'm thinking about you. I miss you. I hope that you're safe and that you're getting the answers you need. Speaking of answers, I have a really big question that I need to ask you, so call me as soon as you're allowed to, okay? Yeah...okay...so, um...love you. Stay safe."

Tony dropped the device onto his desk and pushed back in his chair with a loud hiss of disgust in how that went. He pressed his hands to his eyes and cursed himself under his breath at his ineptitude, knowing that the minute you heard that, you'd be worried for him and that was definitely not what he was going for by calling. Yeah, he wanted to know that you were doing okay, but he couldn't help but feel selfish in his purpose; he wasn't even going to ask about why you were breaking into a maximum-security prison to free the people you had just helped to put there.

The one thing that he needed to know was if fate was a big enough asshole to make Steve Rogers his goddamn soulmate or not.

~~~

"So, do we have any idea how long he'll have to be under?" Nat asked, standing next to Bucky's cryo tube with you and Steve at her side. She had arrived in Wakanda barely an hour after you had agreed to help breach the Raft, so the two of you were getting her caught up on what had happened since she left the compound back in New York.

"We don't know for sure," you answered, "but Shuri hopes that it won't be long. She's researching the programming that Hydra put into his mind to find the safest way to remove it for good. From what I've seen of how fast she works, I can't imagine that this will take long at all."

Nat simply nodded and turned to look around the room, her eyes wide with wonder at what she was seeing, much of it beyond what she understood. It didn't bother her, however, to not know her environment; strangely enough, she felt as if she was in the safest place she could be, where the world might never find her again. "This place is incredible. When T'Challa called and offered me to stay here with you, I didn't believe it. Especially after our last encounter together."

"He's not holding a grudge," Steve smiled, but it was dashed when his memory was suddenly jolted. "Oh, wait...here," he paused, reaching into his pocket to get your phone. "Shuri modified it so that it's untraceable, even to any of FRIDAY's scanners. I figured that you'd probably want to check in on Tony, and it looks like he's feeling the same. There's a message."

"Thank you. Excuse me." You quickly took your leave and found a secluded corner of the room, where you could still keep an eye on Steve and Nat as you spoke. You listened to the message that Tony had left, leaving you hurrying to call him back as quickly as you could. He didn't sound right, and the options of what might have happened ran endlessly through your mind as each ring passed in your ear until he finally answered.

_"Hey, honey."_

"Tony, are you alright? What's going on? You didn't sound like yourself in your message."

_"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I just wasn't feeling well and thought that hearing your voice would help. And see, I was right. I feel better already."_

"That's really sweet, Tony, and I miss you, too. But now I'm gonna need you to tell me what's really going on."

There was at least a 30-second pause of complete silence, not even the sound of his breathing to let you know that he was still there. He was formulating how to ask the question; he didn't even have a great idea of what the question was, and if he really wanted the answer. He wanted it, but he also didn't because the prospect was utterly terrifying to him. _"Did everything go to plan on the Raft?"_

"W-what?" you stammered nervously, your eyes darting towards Steve. "I...I don't know what you mean?"

_"When you went back for the rest of the team. I assume that you got them out, right? It's not like you to fail at something so important._

"Tony-"

_"Was Steve with you?"_

Now it was your turn to pause; you had promised him that you wouldn't lie, and you had told Steve that if asked, you would tell him the truth and that you refused to hurt him with secrets. But when you had left him in New York, he already knew that Steve would be waiting for you, so his question now was confusing. "The plan was solid, and yes, he was there."

_"Was anyone else?"_

"Tony, why are you asking me about this? I'm sure that by now there's a full report, and that they're all on the most wanted list. I'm sure you can read all about it."

 _"(Y/N),"_ he sighed heavily, and his voice began to fail, _"your name is nowhere in the reports. I saw it. I saw you. That's how I know that you were there."_

"How could you have-"

_"Because I was seeing you through someone else's eyes. That's why I have to know if anyone else was there with you other than Steve. I have to know who I connected to."_

"Oh, my god," you gasped aloud, so much so that both Steve and Nat must have heard you. Your hand slapped over your mouth but you were trying to catch your breath as the shock forced it from your chest. It all fell into place, and you felt like an idiot for not recognizing it as it happened. You spun around on your heel towards your friends, locking your gaze with Natasha; she cocked her head as she looked back and tried to read you, but she was an incredibly smart woman and it took seconds for her to know that the entire world was about to change.

"Tony..." you answered again, as calmly as you could, "it's Nat."


	14. Chapter 14

Jealousy was a strange beast, one that comes from the shadows and when least expected, clouding your rational thought when you knew the truth beyond it. You knew that Nat and Tony were friends, and they had been for a long time, and that there was never a hint of anything more; they fought like siblings and had the attitudes to match. You hinged your entire hope that Bucky was right, and that soulmates could come in different forms, so this would all be okay. So many other things were so wrong right now that this had to be okay, if nothing else could.

But an even stronger feeling than jealousy was regret; only now did you fully realize what Tony must have been feeling all this time, only made worse when you ran off to Wakanda at a moment's notice to help Bucky. After several awkward hours in silence, and with no clue as to what to say anyway, the rest of your team left, and you didn't care where they went anymore. You again stood staring at your own soulmate, your thoughts giving you a headache and you were no less clear on what you were going to do.

"I'm taking him out soon," Shuri approached quietly, taking a stand next to you.

"Already?"

"You said yourself that I work fast, but you sound surprised? What does a genius have to do to impress you people?"

"I'm incredibly impressed," you clarified quickly, "I didn't mean to sound like I'm not. I just wasn't expecting to see him again so soon. Things have gotten a little...muddy. I don't know what I'm going to say."

"I find that saying the first thing that comes to mind as the best. There's no time for covering truths to make things easier." She turned away and returned to her workstation, leaving you alone to stare at Bucky again; your mind returned to its clutter until she called back for you, with a little bit of clarity and hoping to help. "Life will be difficult no matter what you choose, so just choose something."

~~~

After the revelation of what you had told him, Tony felt like he didn't know what to do either, which was a foreign feeling for the man. He was normally so self-assured, and things usually fell into place for him, sometimes not so easily, but they still did. This didn't feel like something that would just resolve itself, and he definitely had zero answers about how to handle it. Obviously, he had to talk to Natasha, but she would know immediately if he tried to cover up the awkwardness of this. She had a maddening ability to read him, much like you could, but now it was painfully obvious as to why it was second nature to her.

Tony hadn't moved from his desk at HQ since your conversation, mirroring your state of mind when even so far apart. He wanted to talk to you again; he needed to talk to you again, but he had already called you once when he wasn't supposed to and he feared pushing too far. You likely weren't in much better of a state than he was, and he worried that you were feeling just as alone. Closing his eyes and holding his breath, he grabbed his phone and let fate decide another part of his life. Clearly, fate agreed with him this time.

_I'm coming home._

You message across the screen made his heart race, and it felt not unlike the first time he had ever laid eyes on you. It was an energy that he missed, and the nervousness not unlike a first date that he actually enjoyed. He couldn't wait.

_Is everything okay?_   
  


_No. I need to see you._

Tony wanted to play it cool, as he usually did, but then he decided to hell with it; it was you and he had no reason to hold back. _I miss you so much, (Y/N). I don't know what to do with this thing with Nat, and I need you here. I need you to know that nothing is going to change, okay? I will always choose you, too._

_I'll be there as soon as I can._

_You believe me, right?_

_Yes, Tony, I do. I'll let you know when I leave._

_Okay. I love you, sweetheart._

_I love you, too._

As the messages stopped, Tony didn't feel better like he had thought he would; he knew that you were having just as much trouble as he was with how short you were being. The realization began to slowly sink in that this meant that he would have to come face-to-face with Nat sooner than later, and they hadn't parted on the best terms. He didn't even know how to talk to her anymore, and it made him sad to remember how easy it used to be. She understood him, and she never balked at putting him in his place. She was easily one of his close friends, and he didn't want to lose that.

Tony also realized that this meant that the day was coming when he would have to face Steve as well. He might even have to face Bucky again, because he was tied to you. Again, he tossed his phone onto the desk, leaning down to rest his head in his hands with a pained groan. All he could do was wait for you and hope that you had the answers that he couldn't see.

~~~

"You ready?"

Steve turned to you with a look in his eyes that could have only been fear; you hadn't seen it from him before. Normally when he looked at Bucky, all you saw was sadness. "I think so," he nodded, "you?"

"I think so," you agreed. You took a quick look at the room around you, and it had an eerie similarity to a military incursion. T'Challa had joined you and was talking to his sister as you waited, but past him and surrounding the edges of the room stood the Dora Milaje, just in case Bucky's mind wasn't as ready as she thought. Steve's posture gave it away that he was ready for the same, his stature rigid and ready to fight.

The lights of the room dimmed slightly and the chill emanating from the cryo chamber ceased. Shuri hurried to prepare herself to open it, as T'Challa came to stand with you and Steve.

"She will recite the trigger words once he is fully awake," he explained quietly. "That is the only way to know definitively that her therapy has worked."

"I guessed as much, given the heavy guard," you whispered back. Your eyes were locked on Bucky now, as his eyelids began to flutter ever so subtly.

Bucky coughed a few times as the air within the chamber changed, and his body began to warm. You had no idea how long this process would take, and you hadn't thought to ask, but it seemed to be moving relatively quickly as his eyes suddenly opened and hurried to find you in the scene before him, and then to Steve.

"He looks okay so far," you whispered to Steve. "He seems pretty calm."

"Mmm hmm."

"I'm opening the door," Shuri announced. You felt Steve's hand slide into yours, and you had to resist the urge to pull away from his hold. Yes, you had each gone through your dialogue of apologies and explanation, but the complete trust hadn't returned; you weren't sure if it ever would, and your mind and heart went to Tony in that moment.

"Sergeant Barnes," she began softly, "I'm going to recite the trigger words now, but I believe that I've removed the programming from your mind and you should not react to them."

"What if I do?" he asked, his voice soft and vulnerable as it came back to him.

"We are prepared."

Bucky's eyes shifted to look at you, and he held his gaze with each word as they were spoken to him. You watched for the slightest change, the sudden dilation of his pupils, or a drop in his expression that could tell you that the process hadn't worked. He was reading your apprehension, determined to look as calm as he could so that you would feel it too. He didn't want to hurt anyone, but he had your name on the top of that list of who he needed to protect. When her voice quieted, and the words had been fully completed, Shuri took a step back.

"Sergeant?"

"My name is Bucky," he smiled, and she held out her hands to help him step out and onto the floor with his unsteady legs. He was met immediately by Steve, who pulled him into a firm hug with a slap on his back to welcome his friend to his renewed life. The two men exchanged quiet words that were too personal to hear, and you would never think to eavesdrop, but you still couldn't help but to be curious. Steve then turned to thank Shuri for what she had done, and Bucky took the opportunity to run to you; he picked you up from the floor and swung you around in his embrace, the joy in his laugh being the most genuine you had ever heard from him.

"Good morning, Buck," you laughed in reply, "how was your nap?"

"Well, if we're gonna be totally honest," he smirked, "now that I picked you up and jostled things around...I kinda have to pee."

"I seem to bring that out in guys, but lucky for you, I'm prepared," you shrugged, taking a step back to point the way for him. "Bathroom's over there."

"Be right...back-" he began, but when he turned to leave he came to an abrupt stop. Bucky found himself in the midst of a reaction, not as strong as when he connected to you, but one that shocked him to his core nonetheless. The room around him silenced almost immediately at his change in demeanor, expecting the worst and wondering if the words had left behind a delayed reaction.

Everyone watched as he finally took slow, measured steps forward, raising his tremulous hands to show that he wasn't a threat, and that he was in control of himself. Bucky couldn't believe what he was seeing, but just the same, he was terrified to find out if his eyes were telling him the truth.

"Natasha?" he gasped, breathless. "I can't believe that you're here." He took a few more steps towards her but stopped when her hands raised as well, and she took a reflexive step back. "Natasha, I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. I remember it all. I remember us."

"That's what scares me," she answered softly, turning to hurry away and disappearing before anyone had a chance to follow.


	15. Chapter 15

After the awkward re-introduction to Nat, you advised Bucky to give her some time to process what had just happened, and offered to take her with you back to New York. After the Raft, the rest of the team had gone their own ways to families and into hiding, other than Sam, who insisted that he would stay at Steve's side as he had promised years before. That trio stayed behind in Wakanda, but you couldn't; you knew that Nat and Tony had to talk after the truth had come out, and that you would be there with them, likely at both of their insistence.

Beyond that reason alone, you just really wanted to see Tony again.

She didn't say much on the trip back to the States, much of her time spent reading or secluding herself away to think about how she would handle this new development. It took a lot to shake Natasha Romanoff, and this was definitely on that list. What you couldn't tell, however, was which was crumbling her stability more; that she was soulmates with Tony, or that Bucky remembered their tumultuous relationship now that his mind was his own again. The one thing that she felt stable in, if nothing else, was that she didn't want to pursue either of them, but she wouldn't hurt either man in the process.

When the jet landed in the compound hangar, the door had barely opened fully before you were on your feet and running to Tony's waiting arms. His grip felt like he was holding onto you for his life, and maybe he was; if not his life, then certainly his sanity. He breathed you in as he held you, every second passing by much too quickly before he had to let go, when the time came to greet his teammate.

"Hey, Nat," he offered quietly, but the shake in his voice was unmistakable.

"Hey, Tony," she answered, her nerves just barely better hidden. "Um...I'm just gonna go settle in. We can talk later-"

"Actually," he broke in, his words tumbling out, "about that. I think that we're just making way too much of this. The only thing that's really changed is now we know about this whole soulmate thing, but it hasn't changed how I feel at all. You've been one of my best friends for years, I trust you...again...for the most part, and you challenge me like no one else and that just pisses me off, but in a good way, if that makes sense. Does that make sense? Has that changed for you?"

"Definitely not. You piss me off all the time."

"Then there we have it," he nodded, fully satisfied, "friends?" He held out his hand for her to take, waiting as she studied it to consider the other options. When she agreed that there were no others, she stepped up and took it, only to pull him into a hug as she was awash in relief.

"I'm sorry for how things were left between us, Tony. That whole thing in Liepzig-"

"Is history, Nat. You did what you felt was right, and as it turned out, you were," Tony shrugged, pushing back from her hold. "Once again, I should learn to listen to you."

"Damn right," she agreed. "Okay, so...that went better than I thought it would. I'm still going to go settle in. I'm only staying for a few days so I'd like to take advantage of the rest."

You hadn't heard that her plans were going to be so short, and it took you by surprise just as it did for Tony. "Only a few days? Why?"

"I told Steve that I'd be back..." she paused, and you took notice of the nervous shift in her stature. It was so strange to see this woman unsettled, and it made your own nerves begin to respond. "I also think that I need to face the problem that's back there waiting for me. I feel like I owe him to at least talk about it."

"Whoa, wait, talk to who about what?" Tony jumped in. He was worried again, his momentary sense of comfort fading right before her eyes, and she had no interest in starting this conversation with him. Natasha looked at you, wide-eyed and hopeful that you would take the lead for her, which you did.

"Honey, why don't you ask FRIDAY to order dinner and I can tell you about it then? I just need to make a quick call and then we can get some time to catch up. Is that okay?"

"Yes, absolutely, sounds great," he readily agreed with an excited clap of his hands, "but shout it out now if you have any objections on what we have. Otherwise, you're at my mercy, sweetheart."

"I trust you, Tony."

He paused and reached out to you, taking your face gently in his hands, "that's all I wanted to hear." With a quick kiss and a wide smile, he grabbed your bags and turned to leave, waiting at the door for you and Nat to join him. "You know what? For the first time in a while, I'm actually in a pretty damn good mood. Things just might be looking up."

"Oh, honey, why?" you groaned. "Why haven't you learned by now to never say things like that?"

~~~

As with pretty much anything that Tony did, dinner was an example of both his penchant for excess, and for the state of his mind, with far more ordered than even the entire team would need, and from so many different restaurants that it looked like a culinary trip around the world on one table. You stood at the doorway of the lounge and watched as delivery after delivery appeared, your phone in hand and just waiting for you to take the leap and dial. When the deliveries appeared to slow down, you couldn't wait any longer, knowing that Tony would be ready for you and Nat to join him at any minute.

"Okay," you mumbled to yourself, dialing and bringing the phone to your ear, "no big deal, (Y/N). This is gonna be fine."

_"(Y/N)."_

"Hey, Steve," you answered quietly, "how's Bucky doing?"

_"Great so far. He definitely has his appetite back," he laughed. "Ate everything in sight and now he's down for a nap."_

"Didn't he just take a nice long nap? How much sleep does the man need?"

 _"Some things never change, what can I say?"_ A pause came in the conversation, with you continuing to watch your fiancé work, and with Steve waiting for you to come clean about why it was that you had called. He had agreed to let you know if anything with Bucky had changed, so your initiation of the contact was definitely a surprise given that you were back at Tony's side. _"What's going on, (Y/N)?"_

"Okay, so, I know that I might be asking too much, and this might just jinx everything that's gone right lately-"

_"Just say it."_

"Now that Bucky's mind is clearing up, and while Tony seems to be in a good mood, I'd like to bring us back together to talk about what happened."

Another long pause came, but you had expected this one. You almost expected the man to simply hang up on you and put a stop to the idea straight away, but that would be too far out of character, and against his promise to you to work on moving forward.

"Steve, just think about it. That's all I'm asking for."

 _"I'll talk to Buck. If you can get Tony to agree, then we'll consider it."_ And with that, the line closed and the conversation was over. For how long, you had no way to know.

~~~

You hadn't been separated for all that long; you had been on missions that pulled you away for longer, but being back next to Tony had made it feel as if your absence had been years. It was comforting to you to know that with everything that was going on between you, with Bucky and now Natasha, your connection to each other was still there and felt stable; it wouldn't be out of the question for all of this to break even the strongest relationship. Tony was a man with a longstanding history of self-doubt and demons that plagued him while both awake and asleep, and the look on his face when he realized that he wasn't your soulmate would be burned into your memory forever. But he stared down those demons for you, and he was still here, promising that this is where he would stay.

Now that you had opened up the possibility of putting him before Steve and Bucky, and opening up wounds that were barely losing their sting, you began to second-guess your resolve to bring the team back together.

"Oh, wow, I don't think that I've ever been so full," Tony groaned, leaning back into the couch, pressing his hand to his stomach. "You know what? I might have ordered too much."

"No!" you scoffed with a heavy sarcasm. "Tony Stark, go too far? Never!"

"Yeah, yeah, okay, it sounds stupid now that I've said it," he relented. "I can always count on you for keeping me honest." He sat up straighter and pushed you gently away so that he could stand, as if that would help to ease the ache in his stomach from his over-indulgence. "Ugh, this reminds me of that Thanksgiving when we nearly set the kitchen on fire and had to order out to keep from starving. Even with the whole team there, we went way too far."

"I remember," Nat joined in with a small grin, "I couldn't eat for two days after that. Rogers upped our workouts for the next week just to burn it all off."

"Yeah, like his metabolism didn't burn it off before he even ate," you agreed. "That's just Steve being an ass."

"Hmm, he wears it well," Tony also nodded in agreement. He looked again at the table in front of you and sized up what was left, finally reaching out to begin to clean up when he stopped and looked to Natasha as he took her plate. "Did you even actually eat?"

"What? I did."

"No, you put food on your plate, and it looks like all you did was push it around to seem like you ate. I used this trick on my mom for years. You can't fool the master."

"I ate a little bit, okay?" she huffed. "What about (Y/N)? She did the same thing, are you gonna yell at her too, _DAD_?"

Tony turned back to see that Nat was right, and your own plate looked the same, with barely anything on it. "What the hell, (Y/N)? Now I feel like a pig at the trough. I ate all of this by myself?"

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I wasn't that hungry either, but in my defense, I had no idea that you would buy enough to feed a small country."

Tony paused and stared down at his hands, his mind putting it together; instead of continuing his way into the kitchen to begin clean-up, he set the plates down on the table and sat by you again, only this time he was keeping his distance so that he could have a better view to take in your reaction. He was going to get an honest read on you no matter what words you chose to use. "Okay, what's going on? I know you two too well for this to get past me. Let's have it, I don't care who goes first."

You exchanged a nervous glance with Natasha, and opened your mouth to start, but she quickly took the lead instead with a voice that barely held. "Okay, that problem that I have to go back for...is Barnes. He and I...we have...um, we have a bit of a...history together."

"Such as?" Tony asked cautiously, sitting straighter and with a nervous clearing of his throat.

"Such as...Red Room history," she answered quietly. "Such as...I'm shocked that you're my soulmate and not him, kind of history."

"Oh...okay," he sighed, looking to you and turning away before you could respond, "I can see how that could be problematic now that he's back. I guess I had no idea that you were into cold-blooded murderers though."

"Tony," you tried, but his hand came up to stop you.

"Don't defend him, (Y/N)," he warned, "don't even try. I'm not there yet. I'm barely able to accept that you're connected, and that you ran across the world to be there for him, but don't ask me to just ignore the fact that he's still the guy who killed my parents."

"I wasn't going to."

"Good," he answered coldly, shutting any further discussion of it down. Or so he thought. When Tony turned to look at you to hear what was bothering you, his expression dropped to one of both disappointment and understanding. "Oh, shit. What? What bomb are you about to drop on me?"

It wasn't likely that you would find support from Natasha, but you looked to her anyway to chance it. She was looking at you much the same as Tony was; with fear overriding any curiosity. "Before dinner, I called Steve and asked him if he would meet with you-"

"Are you serious? How could you do that without asking me first?"

"Oh, it gets better," you muttered under your breath, "I also asked him to see if Bucky would come along."


	16. Chapter 16

In all of your years together, you and Tony had rarely argued; it was a point of pride in your relationship. A full-on fight was so rare, in fact, that you couldn't remember the last time it had happened. Of course, that only made it so much worse when the time had come to give it a try again; with your invitation to Steve and Bucky without so much as asking Tony first, you had ensured that this fight now would stick for a while. Only very few words were thrown back and forth in anger, but they were sharp daggers that hit with skilled accuracy, leaving scars behind that wouldn't soon fade. You both knew exactly where to aim.

When day after day of silence came along with it, you understood that the only thing that would fix this was time apart, and to let Tony work through it without pressure. You kept your distance, though you were still together; you slept in the same bed and shared meals for the most part, but his days were spent immersed in work while yours were achingly long as you were kept in limbo. You had brought it on yourself, but he wasn't without blame, either.

Natasha had returned to Wakanda as planned, but you had yet to hear about how her meeting with Bucky had gone, or if she had even followed through. To make matters worse, you hadn't connected to Bucky at all since he had come out of cryo, and you weren't sure if that meant that he was purposefully blocking it, or if something within him had changed during the process to affect you both. After a full month had passed without word from either of them, or from Steve, you decided to make the first move and test the situation with a simple text.

_How are you?_

Then you waited. You waited nearly two days for a response that lacked the enthusiasm that you were hoping for, but in hindsight, you had likely built your expectations up to an unreachable goal just to make yourself feel better. It was almost painfully pedestrian.

_Good. How are you?_

_Honestly? Not great, but I've been through worse. You were there so there's no need for me to elaborate._

_No, I remember very well._

You stared down at the phone, exasperated, wanting to call him and scream out your frustration, and to just vent out all of the pain and anger that had been building for the last month, but you had the strange sense that it would be inappropriate. Somehow, something had shifted, and the closeness that you had just barely begun to find with Bucky had cooled.

_I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I'm sorry if I'm intruding._

_No, (Y/N), you're never intruding. I'm sorry that I haven't contacted you, but trust me, it's not because of anything you've done. It's all on me, okay?_

_Okay._

_(Y/N), I don't need to hear you to know that tone. I'll call you soon. There's just a lot going on._

_I understand, Buck. I'll be here when you're ready._

And that was it. It would be almost another month before you had done enough waiting.

~~~

The day that your wait had come to an end was like any other lately, with Tony either in the lab or at Stark HQ, while you and Rhodes worked on team business, even when there wasn't really a team to do the work. You still held out hope that Tony, Steve, and Bucky would come around and agree to meet, and that maybe Natasha would help you get through to them. The world still needed the Avengers, no matter what personal problems you were all dealing with, and you wanted to be as ready as possible when that day came to get back to the business of saving the world.

"I need to give my eyes a rest," Rhodey sighed, dropping his tablet on the table with a heavy thud, "and I just realized that haven't peed all day."

"Okay, seriously, what is it that makes guys need to pee around me?" you laughed. "Is it something that I'm doing?"

"Yeah, you work us like dogs and never give us a break."

"I think you're confusing me with Tony."

"Eh," he shrugged, "same difference. Excuse me."

With Rhodey taking a break and the work that you were doing being nothing urgent, you set your tablet down too and leaned back in your chair, allowing yourself to feel the extent of your fatigue. It wasn't just your body that was tired, but your soul ached with every muscle and joint as you moved. Your heart had been hurting, and you had felt alone even when you weren't. Closing your eyes, you took a few deep breaths to calm the building of your heartbeat as you let the emotions take over, but all it did was make it easier for you to hear Tony's music coming from the lab just a floor above. The heavy beats were reverberating through the walls, and reminiscence of it was drawing you in; your body moved to follow as if in autopilot until you were at the door watching him.

"FRIDAY, can you cut the music please?"

"Yes, ma'am."

The room fell silent, making Tony take notice even more than just your presence there had. Looking up from his work, he thoughtfully removed his glasses and set them on the workstation, straightening to look at you with questions toying with his mind, but they weren't given the chance to find their sound. You hurried across the room and reached out to him, pulling him into a hold and a desperate kiss that almost broke you at the contact you had been starving for.

Tony didn't push away or try to stop you, instead gripping you so strongly that you could barely breathe between his hold and the hunger that left you dizzy but unable to break apart. He had been missing you and this just as much as you had needed him, but you were both too proud or too stubborn to be the first one to admit it.

"Oh, my god, I've missed you," he hummed softly against your lips, when even that much disconnect was nearly too much for him.   
  


"I'm so sorry," you finally broke down, and pushed gently away, "I never meant to hurt you with any of this. I don't deserve you, and I'm so sorry-"

"No, I've hurt you, and I promised that I would never hurt you, and I'm the one who's sorry. I've been an ass, and I know that it's not really anything new-"

"Fine, we agree, we're a couple of sorry asses," you laughed, taking his shirt in a tight hold and pulling him in again. "We can work out the details later. FRIDAY, kill the lights and lock the door."

~~~

"So, I've been thinking."

"Am I ready for this? Good or bad?" you smiled up at Tony, your head rested against his bare chest. You were lying on your own clothes to protect your skin from the cold of the floor, but it was his hand gently moving up and down your arm as he held you that was giving you shivers. Even still, you barely noticed as you watched him smile back.

"Good, I think. At least I hope so," he sighed. "I've had plenty of time to myself lately...again, sorry...but it let me work out a few things, and I had a chance to lay things out in a bigger picture, you know?"

"Maybe?"

"I've decided that if Steve and...Barnes..." he stumbled, the name clearly still hurting him, "if they agree to meet and talk things through, then I'll do it."

"Really?" you pushed up on your elbow to face him. "Are you sure? Tony, I don't want to push you into something if you don't want to. I know how much this is hurting you, and if you're not ready, then...we'll-" But you couldn't finish, your words cut off abruptly in the familiar wash of connection to Bucky. It had been so long that you had almost forgotten what it felt like. You had to lay back down, pressing your hands to your eyes to steady yourself, leaving Tony in an immediate panic until he recognized it for himself and began to feel the shift as well.

"Oh, shit," he groaned, "I'll never get better at this. Dammit, Romanoff, why now?"

"Bucky," you tried, calling out to him, "are you listening?" You waited for a moment, but no reply came. Instead, your vision shifted and darkened slightly, until all you could see in front of you was Natasha. Her face took up the entirety of your sight, and she was getting closer. Much, much, closer. "Oh, come on...you guys could have warned us..."

"No," Tony joined in with a yelp, sitting up startled as he realized what he was seeing, and a little bit paler in his face, "no, no, no, I don't want to watch this! (Y/N), how do I make it go away?"

"I don't know, Tony, but I don't want to see this, either. I had no idea that they were...there already. Maybe that's why I haven't heard from him in so long."

"Ugh, all I've got is Barnes looking at me with that stupid face of his," he answered. He pushed himself up to stand and hurried to dress, tossing your clothes to you just as quickly. "Come on, I'm drinking until I pass out to get this out of my sight and burn it out of my memory. You with me?"

"Hell yes, right behind you."


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning, you woke to an empty bed and a hangover that made you regret every drink taken the night before. Your eyes felt like they could explode from your skull, your stomach was churning the acid building up into your throat, and the headache was like no other; the normally musical sounds of birds just outside your window only made you consider a round of target practice.

Your first instinct was to blame this on Tony for giving you the idea to drown the images from your minds, but then it was all shifted to Bucky for making them in the first place. You couldn't really stop him, of course, but you weren't as skilled as blocking him from your mind as he had been, and poor Tony had barely any experience with this problem at all. He was new to this whole soulmate thing, so his first instinct was to panic.

"Hey, FRIDAY," you practically whispered, "where's-"

"He's still asleep on the couch, miss. He moved downstairs when your incessant snoring kept him from sleeping."

"I don't snore," you argued, finding your voice in the insinuation. All it did to argue with the A.I., whose attitude matched her creator's, was to get a replay of the sounds of your sleep during the night, played just loud enough to echo throughout your room, but not to cause you any more pain in your already pounding head. "Fine, point made, turn it off."

"Of course," she complied. "I also have a message saved for you from Mr. Barnes. I intercepted it from your phone before it rang so it wouldn't wake you."

The last thing that you wanted to hear right now was his voice, knowing that it would only renew the sights that put you into this position in the first place. "Can you just give me the high points instead?"

"He didn't say much, only to ask if you would call him once you woke for the day."

"Thanks." But before you could talk to him, you stood and stretched, hoping to quell the ache in every muscle in your body, but it didn't much help. You considered loading up with caffeine to find just enough energy to move, but you would have to move to get it. Instead, you grabbed your phone from your bedside table and flopped back down onto the mattress with a huff. You found Bucky's number with a few hesitant swipes of your thumb over the glass, and closed your eyes when you finally decided to connect the call.

 _"Hey,"_ he answered quietly. You heard the hastened shuffle of his feet as he moved, making it clear that you hadn't caught him alone.

"Buck, what the hell was that?"

_"What?"_

"Last night," you answered flatly. "Are you and Natasha a thing now? When did that happen?"

There was a long pause, but you could hear the sounds of his breathing; otherwise, you might have thought he had hung up out of refusal to answer. _"Why does that matter?"_

"Because I didn't think that you were ready for something so serious. Buck, you only just got your mind back, and you still aren't at 100% yet."

_"How would you know?" he snapped. "You left, and we barely talk. You have no idea what my mind is doing, and I know that you and Steve are buddies but whatever he's told you is from his skewed point of view. He's overprotective to a goddamn annoying fault."_

"Buck, what's going on?" you asked, keeping your tone calm. "You seem like something's wrong. You're being...hostile."

" _I don't know, honey, you're coming at me with your accusations and judgments, so I'm just tossing it back."_

"I don't mean to be, I'm sorry," you sighed. "I just had a long night and a really bad hangover. It was a shock to see, that's all."

_"Pfft, right," he scoffed, "tell me about it. It's about damn time you got that experience. It fucking sucks, doesn't it?"_

"What are you talking about-"

_"I've seen so much of Stark that even Shuri couldn't get that out of my head. Now you get how hard it is for me to see when I can't just shut the connection down. That's why I've been trying so hard to keep it from happening."_

Bucky was making a fair point, that when you and Tony were bombarded with the connection the night before, you hadn't stopped to consider that it was something that he had been dealing with through you for several years now. "That's why you've been so distant, even just talking to me."

" _Yeah, and after your latest romp in Tony's lab, Nat and I decided to give you a bit of your own medicine. At least now I have someone who's suffering just as much as I've been."_

"Hold up just a damn minute, Barnes," you stopped him, "so, what? That was just messing with us to make a point? You're not actually together?"

_"Of course not, (Y/N). Listen, Nat and I have a torrid and terrifying history, and we both know how dangerous it could be to fall back into it. We've been talking a lot, and we're better off to try to find a way forward as friends. If nothing else, it's good to have someone with a shared life experience."_

You wanted to be angry at both him and Natasha for the lie and trickery, but you couldn't build up the emotion enough to fully appreciate it. You still barely had the energy to just have this conversation. It would have been preferable to talk about it last night; at least then you wouldn't feel as terrible as you do after a night of drinking your feelings away. "Well, I'm sorry that I've had to put you through that. I'm sure that Tony is too. I'm glad that you've figured out things, though. I worry about you, Buck."

_"Why?"_

"You're my friend?" It came out more as a question than an answer, but the tone felt appropriate nonetheless.

_"And that's all I'm ever gonna be, right?"_

"Are you really going there? I've been with Tony for as long as you've known me...even before that. Nothing is going to change there."

_"Okay, then if that's true, then why did you get so worked up over me and Nat?" he challenged. "You were jealous, doll, I could hear it in your voice."_

"I was not! I just wanted you to think about what you were doing...for your own good, not mine."

 _"Oh, cut the bullshit, (Y/N)!"_ he finally cracked, and his voice was so loud now that you had to hold the phone away from your ear to stop the pain it was causing _. "I'm not yours to tell what to do! I'm not yours so that you can push me around and mold my life into what makes you comfortable! I'm not yours, and you were never mine! You never will be, and you can't have this both ways! I know that I'll never have this, or you, but you don't hear me telling you what to do just because I can't stand to see you happy with him! At least I can keep my mouth shut!"_

"Just because we're soulmates, it doesn't mean that we're going to be together. It doesn't always work that way. You even said so yourself-"

 _"Yeah, I've always been good at making shit up to keep everyone else happy and to not hurt their feelings. Just ask Steve."_ There was a long pause again, only this time you had fully expected that to be the end of the discussion. At least a full minute had passed, and you nearly hung up, but the sound of his much quieter voice caught your attention just in time _. "(Y/N), I wish that things had been different. Maybe I'm just feeling these things because you were the first person...the first one to care about me. Maybe this is some weird attachment thing, I don't know, and maybe it will go away if we keep ourselves from connecting. All I know for sure,"_ he paused again, with a heavy breath, _"is that I wish you had never been nice to me in the first place."_  
  


~~~

It took about an hour of absolute silence and immobility before you could bring yourself to consider getting out of bed, and when you finally pushed yourself up, you could only consider hiding under the blankets for eternity instead. But you knew that Tony would find you eventually, once his own hangover abated and he actually decided to sleep. You toyed with the idea that it could be days before he would notice in his insomnia, with the likelihood of being immersed in work to keep his mind off of the images he had seen, so maybe you could just burrow in and die after all. It felt so much easier than facing any more of the problems all around you.

Tony had agreed that he would meet with Steve and Bucky, though the latter may no longer have an invitation after last night, and after your conversation you found yourself beginning to agree. "FRIDAY, is he awake?"

"Yes, he's in the kitchen trying to feed himself."

" _Trying_? Oh, great," you grumbled under your breath, making your way into the hallway and to the elevator so that you could see just how bad it was, and if breakfast could be salvaged. So far, there hadn't been any fire alarms sounding, so that was promising, if nothing else. When the doors opened, you hurried to the kitchen to take in the sights, only to find Tony sitting alone at the table, eyes closed and with a cup of coffee in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.

"Hey, sweetheart," he whispered, holding up a hand to keep you from answering too loudly. "I made coffee, and then I had to sit down. Do you think the room has stopped spinning yet?"

"Oh, honey," you answered softly, taking a seat next to him very carefully, "you should go to bed. I'm sorry that I snored you out of the room. Come on, I'll help you."

"No, I have too much to do," he argued, "I'll just nap later."

"Tony, you can't work if you can't open your eyes."

"We don't know that for sure until I try. After I try to get to my office without looking at where I'm going..."

"Fine, if you're so determined, tell me what you need from the office and I'll bring it here," you offered in compromise. "I think that's safer than your idea."

"You see, that's why I love you. I may be a genius, but you're the smart one around here." You thought you might have seen the faintest curl of a smile on his lips, but he still refused to open his eyes to let you know if the feeling was genuine; you never could look away from that sparkle in Tony's eyes once his smile had reached them. "Okay, all I need is the pile of papers on the left side of my desk, my tablet, and in the right side top drawer, there's a phone."

You looked at the table in front of where he sat, your brow furrowed in confusion. "Your phone is right here?"

"No, it's an old piece of junk," he explained. "One of those flip phones from back in the 90's. Steve sent it to me after Siberia, and honestly, I'm a little impressed. I had no idea that he actually had a sense of humor."


	18. Chapter 18

As you had expected, when Tony and Steve had come to a place where they could tolerate each other in the same room without the urge to murder, the meeting was missing one key player; Bucky didn't come along and stayed behind in Wakanda. Natasha had taken his place next to Steve at the table instead, leaving you to realize just how serious he was during your last conversation. Tensions still ran high despite the agreement to keep within best behaviors; the fight that had erupted between Steve and Tony was epic to say the least, with scars that might never fully fade away even if they could resolve to rejoin the team together.

"Where's Barnes?" Tony asked as the group settled into their seats. "I didn't scare him off, did I? I promised to be a good boy."

"No, not at all," Steve answered readily, "there were just factors at play that he needed to attend to and couldn't make it. He sends his regrets."

"I bet he does," you mumbled under your breath, and it wasn't missed. You looked to your three teammates with a feigned surprise, even though you did wake up that morning feeling a little argumentative with a hint of petulance. "What?"

Tony was the first to ask, while Steve and Natasha seemed to shy away even more. You hadn't been hiding anything from Tony, per se, but you weren't exactly forthcoming without a little push. "Exactly," he asked, turning to face you, "what?"

"I'm just...I'm not surprised, okay? I didn't expect him to show up in the first place."

"So why do you look like someone just kicked your puppy? It sure seems to be bothering you."

You looked up at Steve with a quick glance and a subtle shake of your head, communicating that you didn't want to have this conversation here, hoping that the two of you hadn't been separated so long that he could no longer read you. You knew full well that Bucky had likely told him everything. "Don't read too much into it, Tony. He just couldn't make it."

"He couldn't make it to a meeting that's this important? We're talking about putting the team back together, and so that I can hear your insane suggestion that we bring him along for the ride." As Tony spoke, his words became more energetic, pushing himself forward in his chair to lean into the table to make his point physically. "I can't forgive him this easily, as you think I'm going to, and I'm sure as hell not likely to forget any time soon."

"Then why are we even here?" Natasha finally joined in. "If you're not ready to move past it-"

"That's not what I said," he immediately argued. "I said that I can't forgive and forget, but I can be a damn professional if I have to be. This is about getting the team back together, and I've decided that I need to figure out what this _being a bigger person_ thing means. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to prove that to anyone if the center of my rage-filled psyche doesn't show up. So, what was so important that he was allowed to take a pass and we weren't?"

This time, Steve was the one to look to you, almost as if he were seeking permission; he knew exactly what was said between you and Bucky during your recent argument, and even though he would never intentionally use that information for his own gain, he wasn't above using it to protect his friend. "Buck doesn't want to see (Y/N)," he blurted out, eliciting a gasp from you as you stared him down.

Once again, Tony turned to you, almost giddy that the two of you were on the outs, "why? What happened?"

"Nothing," you deflected. "Let's just stay on task, okay? We can do this without him."

"No, there's something," he persisted, "you keep looking at Rogers..." Tony sat quietly when you didn't play into his continued questioning, now mimicking you in looking to Steve for answers that you wouldn't provide. When Steve dropped his gaze to the tabletop in return, the lightbulb came on in Tony's mind and he slammed is open hand on the surface with a loud crack. "Oh, come the fuck on, you're kidding me, right? I've been pretty damn forgiving with this shit for years now, but this is too much."

"Tony-"

"Tell me what happened, (Y/N)," he practically snarled, his anger building even more as he faced you again. "Did you see him? Did he tell you that he loved you now, after a few years to think it over?"

"No, it wasn't like that at all. It was just an argument. We're on the same page now, so it's a non-issue."

"There's clearly an issue if he doesn't want to see you. Hell, he ditched his BFF just to avoid you."

"Shouldn't that make you happy then," you shot back, "if he refuses to even be in the same room with me? You should be thanking the whiney little bitc-"

"Hey, let's watch the name calling," Bucky answered, your mind echoing with his voice. With your anger growing so quickly, you weren't aware that you had let your guard down, and the connection was made.

  
"Oh, that's just terrific," you groaned, putting your head down in your hands to talk with a little more privacy. "Go away."

"I don't want this either, you know. You go away."

"Mature, Buck."

"Is that him?" Tony asked, wide-eyed and listening intently.

Without answering him, you stood to leave, waving Steve away when he stood in kind to join you, as if he could be anyone that you wanted to have near you right now. "Excuse me," you tried, but Tony stood up and blocked your path.

"No, stay here. If he wants to talk, then let's talk. Tell Barnes that if he wants to be a part of this team, then he needs to get his ass here, and he needs to get the idea out of his head that he'll ever have a shot with you. Not so long as I'm alive."

"That can be arranged," Bucky retorted with a laugh.

"Bucky, shut the hell up."

"Hey," Steve interjected, "let's watch the attitudes, alright? We don't need this to escalate into another fight."

"Yeah, (Y/N), tell your fiancé to back off. He's starting to sound a little bit jealous."

"Oh, my god, this is like a shitty game of telephone," you hissed. "I'm not doing this. If you three want to talk to each other, then do it like normal people do and call. Grow up already." Pushing your chair back with an angry, loud kick against it, you turned to leave; you felt Tony's hand reach out for you and just barely graze over your skin, but it didn't slow you at all. You had successfully made it into the hallway, but with the sensation of their eyes still on you, your feet didn't stop until you made it to your office with a slam of the door behind you. "Barnes, I said, go away. I can't have you in my head right now...not anymore...it's too much."

"Wait, what do you mean?" he asked nervously now. "Not anymore?"

"Buck," you sighed, dropping heavily into your chair, "we need to find a way to break this connection. We can't do this for the rest of our lives. I'm with Tony, and you don't deserve to be stuck watching us live our lives together, and you should be free to live yours without worrying that I'm always there."

"What about Nat and Tony? They're in the same situation."

"If we can figure out how to do it, I'm sure they'll be on board."

The silence came after that for a long time; nearly an hour. But you could feel that he was still there, still connected and just listening to the sound of your breathing as if it kept him calm again, just like when he had first known you. He would lie in bed on many nights, feeling unbearably alone, until the emptiness would allow you to connect and lull him to sleep. It began to hurt deep in his chest at the memory, and he began to wish for those simpler days before both of your worlds exploded and shattered into the mess you were piecing together now. He began to realize that no matter how screwed up this was, as each minute of silence ticked by, he wasn't ready to let it go.

"(Y/N)," he finally whispered, "I'm sorry. Don't leave me."

"Buck...we need to be able to live-"

"I was a jerk, okay? I overreacted," he hurried, his words tumbling out before you could force him from your mind. "The feelings that I'm having, yeah, they're love, but I know that you're with Tony, and I can still love you for who you are without being a threat to that, I promise you. You've always been with me, (Y/N). You were there when I started to figure out who I am, and I'm not there yet, so without you, I don't know who I'll become. And I know that I can't rely on you to do that for me, but...just...(Y/N), don't leave."

"You don't need me, Buck. You have Steve now, and Nat will be there if you need her."

"It's not the same."

A sound just outside of your office caught your attention, looking up to see Tony standing at the window and watching as you spoke. He looked remorseful, and you could feel the apology emanating from him even from so far away. He had to be your first priority, just as you had promised him long before this moment. "I have to go," you said calmly, "but I'll think about what you've said, I promise."

~~~

Bucky waited for a full week before he felt like he could even try to connect with you again, but when he had found the time to step away to do it, he couldn't bring himself to make the attempt. He had been busy with Steve once he returned to Wakanda, trying to rebuild their friendship and to remember those memories from decades ago, and he had been so immersed that it helped to pass the time. Natasha was becoming a closer friend as well, the two of them finding that their past together wasn't a barrier as they had feared. Bucky couldn't tell if they would ever reach the connection that he had felt with you, and he honestly doubted it, but it was at least something to push back against the hollow pit of loneliness that he constantly stood at the edge of. It made him believe that maybe you were right, and a resolution could be found; he happened to have better options towards it than you did, however.

Bucky approached the quiet balcony where Wanda had spent much of her day, reading and enjoying the warm sun. She looked too peaceful to interrupt, but he had to before he could change his mind. "Wanda," he asked quietly, "I may not have the right to ask, since we barely know each other, but could I ask a favor?"

She nodded gently, setting her book down at her side with a simple wave to direct him to the chair next to him. She sat in complete silence as he spoke, explaining the pain and confusion, and the connection with you that he had feared to lose but also feared keeping; she listened to every word until he stopped and simply released the breath he had been unknowingly holding. Without a sound, she raised her hands, consumed within a glowing red haze, lying one over his chest and the other against his cheek, her innate sense of empathy offering her only answer. Bucky doubled over, a wave of pain filling his chest, but she kept her hold, following him as he tumbled to the floor.

"I can't remove the connection," she said sadly, "but I can suppress it. I can hide it. Is that what you want?"

"Yes," he groaned breathlessly, "please. I just want...to make it stop."

~~~

Tony had thought that a walk in the city would be a nice reminder of that date before it all fell apart, when he had proposed and you accepted; it would be a reminder that the two of you had yet to be able to plan for that wedding and there was no time like the present. But as you walked along past the tower for a little nostalgia, just as when you had connected for the very first time, the sensation now was overwhelming and as if out of nowhere. It felt as if a hand had been thrust into your chest and was trying to rip your heart out through the ribs, a crushing, suffocating pain that stole your air, and left you clutching Tony's arm in the midst of your first attempt at time alone in far too long.

"Whoa, sweetheart, what is it?" When your grip only tightened and your feet began to falter, he turned you so that he could get his arms around you to lift you against him. "(Y/N), come on, just breathe, alright? You're scaring me."

"He's..." you stopped, struggling to follow his request.

"No, shh, just breathe."

"Tony..." you continued anyway, "he's gone."

 


	19. Chapter 19

"Buck?"

"Bucky, please...come on..."

"I'm sorry...just, please...talk to me."

You had been trying for hours to get him to hear you, when your calls and texts were left unanswered, and your sanity was on the brink of crumbling around you. You decided that you couldn't blame him, because this was what you had wanted and he was merely giving it to you, but it wasn't until you actually felt the loss that you realized how wrong you were. The darkness in the room was nothing; your soul felt so much darker, so much colder than the winds that were howling and pushing into the windows of your room.

Once you had gathered yourself after the disconnect during your date with Tony, he brought you home thinking that the familiarity was what you needed, but this was a nightmare to you, a prison that you saw no way of escaping from. He had left you alone just as you had asked him to, but you knew the man too well; the silence allowed you to hear him just outside of your bedroom door, likely sitting on the floor and waiting for you to call him back in.

If only you had the strength to tell him that the call would never come. Not when you were like this, anyway. You had put Tony through enough, and you refused to add to the torture he had already endured by your hand. You wanted him with you, to be the support that you had always relied on, and had always felt from him, but you had yet to realize it. You were blinded by the emptiness that just wouldn't stop.

"Bucky, please, don't do this. I...I was wrong. Okay? Just please, come back."

~~~

"Nat? Um...Natasha? Can you hear me? I'm not really sure how all of this works..."

Tony was sitting on the other side of the door, as you had predicted he would be, and he was in much of the same dilemma as you were. He hadn't gone through the excruciating loss of his soulmate as you had, but he certainly wasn't having any luck in connecting to her. He had tried to call and text too, but had the same result, leaving him feeling abandoned by both of you.

"Red?"

With a frustrated, heavy sigh, he took his phone in hand again and found her name, closing his eyes to pray to whichever deity would listen that she would answer him. He rested it to his ear and waited, each unanswered ring echoing in his mind like the drill at the dentist, painful and shrill until he could barely stand it for even one more.

_"Tony?" she answered, her voice filled with concern. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"_

"No, I'm not okay," he snapped, "and thank you for finally answering your damn phone!"

_"I was asleep, Stark. There's a time difference between us, you know?"_

"Oh, shit, right...I'm sorry."

_"It's okay, it's almost time to wake up anyway. You sound terrible. What's going on?"_

Tony pushed himself back against the wall, finding that he needed the support for what he was about to ask. He knew his goal with every time that he had tried to call her, but now that he finally had her attention, he was feeling a lack of confidence that shook him to his core. "Nat, have you talked to Barnes lately?"

_"Not for a few days, no. He's kept to himself other than when he's with Steve. Why?"_

"He's pushed her out," he answered in barely a whisper. "Out of nowhere, it looked like she was getting her heart ripped out of her chest. She couldn't breathe, and she could barely put words together. She said he was gone, and I've been listening to her try to connect with him for the past three hours now. Don't get me wrong, Nat, I still can't stand the guy, but I hope that nothing bad happened to him. More for her sake than his."

Natasha waited a moment before answering, running the past few days through her mind to try her best to remember anything strange. She wanted an answer to give him, an explanation that would make his concern valid, but she came up empty. " _Do you want me to ask him? I will if that's what you want."_

"I just want her to be okay, Nat. That's all I ever want...even if that means I have to lose her."

~~~

Bucky had been ignoring your calls for hours now, not that it was easy for him to do so, but to protect himself from a pain that he didn't want for either of you. There was nothing easy about this, which he felt more acutely as each hour passed since he had made the final decision that affected you both; he had been the one to make the cut, to push you away even though it was your idea to do it. He knew that it would hurt you just in the fact that he had actually done it, but he had to believe that this was the right thing to do. He had to believe that the separation would eventually stop hurting, and the two of you could go on with your own lives if there was never a chance of living them together. You had told him over and over that you were committed to Tony; he knew that and yet he still allowed himself to feel things that he had no right to and no ownership of.

He had always been a fool, to which Steve would attest in a heartbeat, but now as his phone rang again incessantly in his hand, he decided that maybe it was time to play things a bit smarter. Bucky had no desire to answer the call, but with Tony's name flashing across the screen he had to; this wasn't about Stark, this was about you. Taking a steadying breath, he opened the line and held the phone cautiously to his ear.

"Stark."

_"Barnes," came the cold, yet amazingly calm reply, "do you have a minute?"_

"Sure, why not?"

_"Great, listen," Tony began, in a tone that left Bucky leaning into his chair for support of what would likely be an endless, torturous event, "I'm not calling about missing the meeting, okay? I understand why you didn't want to show up. I get it."_

"Okay?"

_"But what I don't get...is how you could push (Y/N) away so easily. I thought you cared about her...and believe me, that tears at my guts to even say that out loud."_

Bucky sighed, trying his best to not take offense, and trying to keep the inner rage from building at the insinuation. "I do care about (Y/N). You have no idea-"

_"I have some."_

"No, you don't," he snapped. "You have no goddamn idea about what I feel. Yeah, I love her, and I don't give a shit if you don't want to hear it. But let me make something very clear. I don't want to take her from you, Stark. From the very first day that we connected, I knew that she was with you, and that it wasn't going to change. I'm not that kind of guy now, and I'm learning that I never was. I pushed her away because it hurt too damn much to watch her live her life with you."

Tony groaned in his own painful hell, hearing that another man, that this particular man, was confessing that he loved you left him feeling conflicted; he was drowning in a sea of anger, hurt, jealousy, and even a wave of conceit knowing that he could call you his, at least for now. Yes, Bucky was the one man in the world that he hated the most, and yeah, the likelihood of forgiveness was still very far off, but Tony knew that he could be a good man when he needed to be. He could dig up a little empathy for the poor guy, even if it came off as placating. _"She...she cares about you too," he finally mumbled. "I'm pretty sure she probably loves you."_

"Look, I'm sorry. I really am...Tony."

_"So, okay...yeah," Tony sighed, "then what do we do about this? I'm getting it pretty clear that you two need to connect again somehow. There's some universal bullshit about things happening for a reason, so there's a reason out there for you two to drive me insane."_

"Pfft, wow," Bucky actually laughed, "you really do have a high opinion of yourself, dontcha?"

_"I'm sure that Rogers has gotten you up to speed."_

"You could say that."

This time, it was Tony's turn to laugh, and he had to admit that it felt good for even just a few seconds of reprieve; even if it did mean that this bastard was the one to bring it out in him. _"Alright, let me make a few calls. Keep your phone close, because I'm only doing this once."_

"Okay...doing what?"

_"Believing in fate. I'm going to let fate decide once and for all."_

"Just spit it out, Stark. Decide what once and for all?"

_"If she chooses me...or you."_

~~~

Sometimes Tony listened too well, which is something that you never thought you'd think of him in all of your years together. You had asked him for time alone, for what, you didn't even know, but you just wanted it. You wanted it until you had been alone for a full night and into the next day without so much as a knock on your door. It was his room too, and he had every right to be there no matter what you had asked of him, but he was giving you exactly that; isolation.

You weren't sure if you had slept at all over the night, barely remembering if you had even shut your eyes. You had called out for Bucky until your voice faltered and you called and texted until the battery of your phone died. Even then, you couldn't bring yourself to move to find the charger to bring it back to life when you felt as if your own body had none. The disconnect drained you in a way that you never could have expected; it was likely that Bucky hadn't either, and now all you wanted from him was to know that he was okay. Even if he never came back to you, that was all you wanted for him; he had been through enough for many lifetimes over.

"Sweetheart?"

"Tony," you exhaled heavily, your body feeling a wash of relief at the sound of his voice. "Come in, please."

The door pushed open slowly, almost hesitantly before he peeked his head in. He was acting strangely for a man who had been invited into his own room, and you had no idea as to why. "How are you?" he asked, still holding his place.

"I'm better...but what's going on with you? You're acting weird."

"More than usual?"

"Yeah, I didn't think that was possible. Honey," you began, cautiously in both your tone and your movements to stand, "what's going on?"

He jutted out a hand in a quick response to bring you to a halt, glancing back over his shoulder before turning back to you. His eyes seemed to carry a fear in them, but also a heavy sadness that you couldn't stand to see. Tony knew you well enough to realize that you were on to him, so he hurried to put his plan into play before you could stop it. "I, uh...I brought you something...someone...for you..." he stammered, finally pushing the door open to allow his guest to pass through with a quick wave of his hand.

"Buck?"

"Hey, (Y/N)."

 


	20. Chapter 20

You couldn't believe your eyes; Bucky was standing right in front of you, only a few feet away, with Tony barely an arm's length from him. To have them both in the same room was a miraculous feat in itself, and to have them both so calm and cooperative left you feeling as if you might be dreaming this. Pushing yourself up and off of the bed, you slowly crossed the room to bring yourself to face Bucky straight on so that you could take in every nuance of his expression when your hand rose up and left a resounding slap against his cheek.

"Okay," Bucky nodded, slowly rubbing the sting from his skin, "I guess I deserved that."

"I had to make sure you were really here," you answered, your voice breaking and barely a whisper. "And yeah, I suppose you did, a little bit. So, what are you doing here, Bucky? Why did you push me out? I was trying to connect to you for hours, and you wouldn't answer my calls or texts-"

"You said that you wanted this," he argued, albeit gently, "so I was just doing what you had already decided on."

"I told you that I would think about what you said. You never gave me the chance." You could feel your heart beginning to race as your adrenaline built, and you couldn't stop the tears from building in your eyes no matter how hard you tried. They weren't tears of sadness, but tears of blind frustration. "You could have told me first. You could have warned me before I felt like my chest was being ripped open and Tony had to carry me through the city to get me home. You could have warned me so I wouldn't have spent hours lying in bed awake and desperate to hear your voice so that I wouldn't think that you were dead!"

"Steve would've called-"

"No," you snapped, "that's not the point. I know that Steve would call me if anything had happened to you because he's my friend. I don't even know what you are anymore. How could you do that to me without telling me that you were okay first? I thought...seriously, Buck, you could have been dead for all I knew. It felt like you were."

"I'm sorry, doll-"

"No, you don't get to call me that," you halted him, taking a few steps back. "Just tell me what you're doing here. What do you want?"

Bucky paused to look back over his shoulder, hoping for support from Tony but knowing that it wouldn't be likely found there. A part of him wanted to just throw up his hands and wash them of this; he wanted to go back to Wakanda and move forward with whatever life he could build from what was left of himself, but it would never feel right if he didn't make amends with you now. He knew that this could be his one and only chance, and he took quick advantage of his trip sponsor to soften your anger. "Tony asked me to come here. He was worried about you."

"What?" you gasped. "Since when are you two friends?"

"Believe me, sweetheart, we're not," Tony answered quietly. He had kept silent since entering the room, standing almost meekly at the door with his hands clasped in front of him and his gaze dropped to his feet. He looked smaller as he stood in Bucky's shadow, but you weren't sure if that were a true representation or if your mind was making you see him that way.

"Okay, then what's your play?"

"Tony says that we should let fate decide this."

"We should let fate decide?" you chuckled sarcastically. "Because I can't decide on my own? Is that it? I told you both, I will always choose Tony. I've said that over and over again, so why doesn't anyone believe me?"

"I do believe you," Tony answered before Bucky could utter a single syllable. He moved across the room, finding his drive with your words, pushing past the other man to get to you and take your hands in his. "I believe you, (Y/N). But you have to look at it from my point of view. You're soulmates with another man-"

"And you're soulmates with Natasha."

"Yeah, and I'm nowhere near as close or connected as you and Barnes are. Honey, I love you," he exhaled heavily, the weight of the dilemma pushing him down, "that hasn't changed an iota since all of this began. But this is me we're talking about, okay? I know that you love me too, but I have to be completely sure that if you choose me, you won't be looking back over your shoulder for what might have been. My head can't handle that."

He looked so sad, so fragile, and it broke your heart to see it from the man who had always exuded such confidence and strength that you had come to rely on it yourself. You wanted nothing more than to make that pain and conflict go away, and you resolved that you would do anything. "So, what do we do, Tony?"

"I want you to kiss him."

"Excuse me?!" you gasped, matching Bucky's same exact response of complete shock, the two of you staring at Tony as if he had blurted it out in a gibberish alien language.

"Stark, I don't think that's the right thing to try here."

"Kiss him," Tony continued, "then kiss me. Get your brain out of the way and just go with what the universe is telling you to do. Go with what feels right. That's all I can think of to try or I would never be okay with this We need to face this and figure out the next step."

Bucky's eyes lit up with excitement for just the flash of a second, but when you turned to him to actually consider what Tony wanted you to do, the vibrancy dulled. This wasn't going to be a moment of revelation, when the first kiss would hold that nervous energy and promise of more to come; this could be a complete disaster just waiting to happen. It could completely drive the wedge between you; the one that he had started and had left for Tony to finish. But then again, maybe Stark was right; jumping in with everything on the line was the only way to know.

You could hear the hesitant clearing of Tony's throat as Bucky took the steps forward to close the space between you, forcing himself to hold back from stopping the man and to let his idea play out. Bucky rested his metal hand very gently on the small of your back, almost not even connecting, with the other tremulously reaching up to hold your cheek as he got closer. When his lips finally connected with yours, just barely ghosting over them at first, there was a definite spark between you. There was a new, terrifying energy that left you pulling yourself closer to him, deepening the kiss with the need to experience something so new, but a soft moan in his throat snapped you back into the moment. The two of you held your gaze for an instant only, processing what had just happened, and trying to figure out what feeling was left behind as your lips cooled at the disconnect.

"Well?" Tony asked flatly. "Was it good for you?"

"Um...yeah," you coughed nervously, "it was...nice."

"Nice?" Bucky laughed. "That's it? Just _nice_? Wow, (Y/N), hit me where it hurts."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way-"

"Nah, I'm just giving you a hard time," he waved you off dismissively, covering his disappointment. "You're right, it was nice. Okay, get in there, Stark."

"Don't mind if I do," he smirked, but you could tell that he was scared. Tony had a way of covering his vulnerabilities with humor, but he should have known that it would never get past you. "Come here, baby."

Much the same as Bucky had, Tony's hand slid around to rest on the small of your back, but his other hand reached up to hold the back of your neck, holding you tighter and with more control than what Bucky had tried. His fingers toyed with the nape, making the hairs stand on end, and making a shock run the length of your spine before his lips even came close to touching yours. He wouldn't have even needed to kiss you for you to know how this would end, but when he did, Bucky knew as much as you that your decision wasn't to be second-guessed even by the universe around you. Tony dipped you back, his tongue searching and teasing yours, his kiss so strong and possessive that it left you gasping for breath when he finally pulled away.

"How'd I do?" he whispered, his breath panting and shaking as he waited.

"If you have to ask-"

"I was just being polite." Tony stood you upright and released his hold, but his hand slid down your arm and into yours, lacing your fingers together to not only pacify his own fears, but also to show Bucky that your original decision held as well. "Barnes, you okay?"

"Yeah," Bucky smiled again, "I guess it's good that now we know for sure, no matter what fate thinks it's trying to do. I'm really happy for you guys. Honestly, I am." He took a deep breath, then a few hesitant steps forward, reaching out his hand to Tony just as he had told you he would back when you had visited him in Wakanda; it felt like a lifetime ago, but he remembered as clear as if it were yesterday. "Thank you for asking me to come here today. Congratulations on finding the best girl in the world, Tony."

~~~

Bucky had made the arrangements to leave nearly right away after the meeting with you and Tony, with Steve offering to pick him up rather than to have Tony fly him back to Wakanda in what would be a terribly uncomfortable journey for both of them. He had a little time to spare, so he took you up on the offer of a quick tour and a walk to the lake behind the compound; it felt as if the two of you were hurrying through the walk to get there, knowing that a conversation still needed to be had.

"Let's sit for a while," you offered, your hand out towards a pair of chairs facing the water. Bucky waited for you to take your seat first, ever the gentleman, but he chose to stand and look out at the lake for a few minutes before eventually joining you. He was contemplative, you could see that even as he faced away, and you worried that he had begun to slip back into self-doubt about himself after making so many positive steps forward. You worried that this rejection of him today would only exacerbate the problem. "So, are you okay?"

"I'm good, I said that."

"Yeah, you said it, but did you mean it?"

"Doll... I mean (Y/N)-"

"You can call me that, Buck. I was just mad when I said not to."

"Okay...doll," he smiled genuinely, "yes, I meant it, I'm okay. I watched Tony when he kissed you.  I saw him holding you like his life depended on it, and like that connection to you brought him back to life. I didn't feel that when we kissed, (Y/N). I meant it when I agreed with you, it was nice...it was actually really, _really_ nice, but...it wasn't like that. I could never be someone who might ruin that for you guys, no matter how that could have gone for me."

"I know you couldn't," you agreed readily. You stood just slightly, enough to push your chair closer to his, sitting back down and reaching out to take his hand as you continued. You considered that he might pull back and reject the gesture, but instead, his grip on your hand was almost suffocating. "So, what does that mean for us, then? If we know that we're not taking that path, then what?"

"I don't know, but I want to connect with you so bad," he sighed heavily, with a gentle tap of his finger against his temple. "I've felt so alone up here since I pushed you away, and I'm sorry that you're feeling it too."

"I think you've been right for a lot of this, Buck. Maybe soulmates aren't always meant to be together, or in love... maybe the universe has bigger plans for us, we just don't know it yet. Maybe there's something coming that we haven't seen."

"That sounds ominous. Sounds a little terrifying."

"So, then we shouldn't face whatever it is alone, right?"

"Right," he nodded eagerly.

"Tell me, how did you do it? Can the block be removed?"

"Wanda helped."

As if a lightbulb lit up in your head, you sighed with a satisfying relief that this wasn't the end, and that she could maybe return the connection between you with a simple request to do so. It gave you the first glimmer of hopefulness that you had felt in far too long, and you dared to allow your mood to lift towards the promise of happiness. In order to find it, however, you needed help; you lifted your arm and gave your watch a quick tap of your finger, "FRIDAY, could you ask Tony to join us?"

"Yes, ma'am, right away."

"What are you doing?" he asked with a furrowed brow, looking back to the building to wait for Tony's appearance. The poor guy looked as petrified as he did when he first entered your room a few hours before. "Did I say something wrong?"

"Not at all," you reassured him, "I just wanted to make a point very clear before I let you out of my sight again."

"Okay...?"

Tony was only a few minutes behind the call that you had made, leaving him to jog gently across the expansive lawn to meet you. He dropped down onto a nearby bench, panting just slightly with a shake of his head in disgust at the sound his lungs were making. "Maybe you should pick the solider after all, honey. The stamina ain't what it used to be."

"Stop it. Listen, I wanted you both here so that you hear the same message, and so there's no confusion or reason to argue about this anymore, okay?"

"Sure."

"Shoot."

"After the last few years and everything that's happened either with us personally, or with the team, one thing has always been constant. I've had both of you there with me, and we've had each other. I know that there's no love lost between you two, and I don't expect that to just magically get better, so if I promise to keep these lives as separate as possible...I want to choose both of you. For me, I know that it has to be both, or neither."

"Whoa, sweetheart...I don't share."

"Oh, my god, Tony, not like that!" you groaned, reaching out to slap him on the knee. "What I mean is, I love both of you, there's no denying that anymore. But, Tony, I can love you and be committed to you while being connected to Bucky at the same time because how I feel about each of you means so many different things. Bucky, if we can talk to Wanda, maybe she can help us learn how to control the connection better, so you don't have to see anything that you don't want to, and that I don't want you to see. But we'll still be there for each other like we always have been when it's really important. You won't be alone."

"Hmm, I don't know," Tony glanced skeptically at your soulmate, "it still kinda feels like sharing."

"That's because it is," you agreed. "You know, I still have to share you with Natasha. Bucky is nowhere near as scary as Nat is."

"He's an assassin."

"Yeah? Your point?"

"He can do that ominous, deep Russian thing with his voice when he wants to freak someone out."

"Да," Bucky joined in with a subtle nod of agreement.

"Like that!" Tony pointed, wide eyed and a little worried, looking to you and back to Bucky.

"Sweetie, you're not making the point that you think you are. Nat also threatened to cut off each one of your fingers one knuckle at a time when you took the last chocolate chip muffin a few weeks ago-"

"Oh, no, I would _never_ do that," Bucky laughed, "it gets blood all over the food and that's just wasteful. I think our girl is right, Stark. Your soulmate is frightening."

With the moment of levity suddenly shifting and disappearing fast, Bucky straightened in his chair when Tony's gaze fell on him and didn't waver. "She sure is, and I'll tell you what," Tony leaned forward in his chair, his expression cooling and growing dark, "I'll make sure that you find out just how frightening if you call (Y/N) _our_ girl again."

You turned your wrist over for a quick look at your watch, coughing uncomfortably and standing to grab Bucky's hand. Steve was nowhere in sight yet, but the point had still been made; it was time to go. "Yep, that didn't take long. But don't worry, fellas, it's going to take a cataclysmic event for me to try to get you two in the same place again. I think we're safe."


	21. Chapter 21

Tony was having the worst week. It was always like that when you were gone for any length of time, as if your presence kept the world around him stable and less likely to piss him off. You had been running around Manhattan with Natasha and Wanda, preparing for your wedding only a few days away, and Tony had barely seen you for more than a minute each day. You had been staying with Maria in the city out of pure convenience, but it also gave your nuptials a feeling of excitement in keeping the two of you apart beforehand. Two days into the idea, Tony was ready to run off and elope just to be done with it all.

Monday, he set the toaster on fire when he ran to the lab after an idea struck him in the middle of getting his breakfast ready.

Tuesday, he broke his little toe on a corner taken too quickly, running from the lab and back to the brand-new toaster before the fire alarms could go off again.

Wednesday, he overslept and missed a very important meeting at Stark HQ because he refused to leave his breakfast to burn again. This one wasn't so bad, actually; he hated meetings and Pepper covered better than he would've anyway.

Thursday, the toast was saved, but he couldn't find his favorite socks. Or, more accurately, he couldn't find both of them. He wanted to wear them for the wedding the next day, but this day had been a complete loss after being consumed by the search.

But Friday...the day of the big event that was supposed to be the happiest of his life, that was the worst of them. It may have been one of his top five worst days ever. No, definitely top two.

"Definitely number one" Tony mumbled to himself. He would gladly rip his chest open again and endure as much torture as anyone could bring, just to make this day end any way other than this. He would take any of his other worst days to make this one stop.

"We'll find her, Tony."

As Tony paced the length of the compound's conference room over and over again, his mind was racing too fast to track the thoughts barraging him, and none of them were good ones. His bowtie was loose, the black silk cloth hanging precariously from his neck and threatening to fall away with any step. He looked down at his hands, useless and bloodied, covered with a mix of his and yours from his failed attempt to hold on as they pulled you away. His brand-new platinum wedding band was dull and covered in a hazy red, dulling its shine beneath the terror. The deep scratches in his palms from your fingernails as you tried to hold on were numb despite the damage; or maybe it was that his heart hurt so much more that he didn't notice. Yep, he'd gladly tear his chest open now, just to make it stop.

"I've been a husband for five hours..." Tony muttered again under his breath, talking to no one. "That's gotta be a record for fuck ups."

"Tony, come on, you should sit down," Steve tried, pulling out a chair from the long table, but his friend waved it away.

"I wanted to have the reception here, but she wouldn't have it. Said we're here enough as it is," he continued on, his voice still barely a whisper. "I wasn't ready. I should've done more."

When Tony was just about within the distance of his reach, Steve tried to give him a hand of support, but instead he was left to hurry forward to steady his teammate as he dropped to his knees with the first sensation of contact. Steve had never seen Tony cry before; maybe a few tears escaping here and there, but never like this. He had never seen the man so fully broken, and it terrified him. "Hey, it's okay...I've got you."

On the other side of the room sat a man nearly as broken but refusing to let anyone see the raging fear that churned inside him. Bucky sat silent on the floor, his back pressed to a wall in the far corner of the room where the light barely reached him, where he could find some comfort in the darkness. He had been saying your name over and over since the moment you were taken, trying desperately to get you to connect. The silence in his mind was driving him mad with each attempt, but that wouldn't stop him from trying. "She won't answer," he finally spoke fully aloud, drawing the attention of everyone around him.

"She's dead," Tony said flatly, taking his head in his hands, "I did this."

"Or she's just knocked out," Steve tried, giving Tony a gentle shake of his shoulders. "We can't start thinking that way, Tony, come on. It's only been an hour. Demands haven't even come in yet to get her back."

"When they do...whatever they want from me," Stark answered sternly now, "don't argue and just hand it over. I don't care if it breaks me. I'll get a job at McDonald's to get by if I have to. You give them everything."

"We're not going to let it come to that," Steve tried to reassure him. He gave him one more gentle shake and a supportive tap on the shoulder to prove his determination, turning away to begin planning for how they were going to find you. But Steve was a realist, and he knew this was a long shot with so little to go on. In the midst of explosions and screams, he struggled to put it all together in the moment, his focus being to protect you and Tony. In a flash of confusion, you were torn away, with no trace of who the mastermind could have been. The best he could do now was to follow protocol, and to pray.

"Nat, watch all of the hospitals in the tri-state area, and expand the perimeter every hour," he whispered, out of Tony's earshot. "Clint...watch the morgues."

Clint's eyes widened in pure shock of what was being asked of him, looking at Steve as if he had just spoken in tongues like it was nothing. "Cap, you can't be serious? You said so yourself, it's only been an hour."

"It's an hour that we've lost, and the clock keeps ticking. Move."

~~~

"(Y/N), come on. Just a whisper, that's all I'm lookin' for here, doll. Give me somethin'."

Bucky was doing his best to hold it together, only because he wanted his mind to be fully present when you finally connected; he believed that you would, and that it was just a matter of time. He was barely more optimistic than Tony was, and the two men had yet to speak to each other about what had happened. It was all bubbling under the surface, and it wouldn't take much to create an explosion not unlike the ones they had just survived.

"Honey, please, wake up. I know you're just sleeping. You have to be just sleeping."

" _Buck..._ "

"(Y/N)?! (Y/N), is that you?" Bucky was practically screaming, his voice carrying your name with a billowing echo that got everyone's immediate attention. The room began to fill again with those who had left to begin their search, every one of them now staring at him with excitement and expectation. He stood and looked from face to face, and one was glaringly missing. The only one who really needed to hear this. "Someone get Stark."

"On it," Sam nodded, hurrying from the room.

"Doll, I need you to open your eyes for me, okay?" He waited for a few seconds to pass, but nothing more came. "Honey, I know you're there. Please, let me see where you are. I know it might be hard to do, but you gotta try. Tony needs you." Bucky hoped that the mention of your new husband's name might surge some energy through you enough to let him fully connect. His own body was so filled with anxious energy that he would gladly send it all your way if he could. "(Y/N), please..."

Steve held his breath in anticipation, his gaze locked with his best friend, the communication happening between them obvious to everyone nearby. The tension in the room was palpable after you wouldn't answer again, and Bucky started to think that what he heard was a product of his fear in an overactive imagination. Maybe he just wanted to hear that sound so much that his mind finally gave in just to salvage some of his sanity. He sat back on the floor with a heavy thud of his exhausted form, closing his eyes and resting his head against the wall. He considered not trying again, for just the tiniest moment of time, and he regretted his lack of faith immediately. His head began to swim and his stomach flipped into familiar knots; it was the best feeling in the world. It was the feeling of you trying to reach him. It was the feeling of you being alive.

"That's right, Doll, you can do it. Open those beautiful eyes for me so I can see. Help me find you."

At that moment, Tony hurried into the room again, looking nothing like the devastated form that had left it not long before. He had a renewed energy and dare he think a little bit of faith. His eyes locked with Steve first, but an audible gasp from your soulmate had him rushing to stand over him, waiting for the only words he wanted to hear. "Barnes? Tell me something I want to hear."

Bucky's entire body was shaking, his skin pale and sweaty as he looked up at the man, "I know where she is."

With only that, Tony gave a few taps to the casing held at the center of his chest and he was enveloped by his suit within seconds, stepping quickly to the door to push it open and ready to fly. But the unspoken question hung heavy in the room, and Tony was a man with no patience for waiting for it to clear. "Barnes, now. Tell me."

Bucky tried to push himself up to stand, to say the words that choked in his throat and left him with an unabating nausea fed by guilt like he had never known. He put his hand to the wall to guide himself up, only to stumble and drop back to the floor just as quickly when his sweaty palm slid to break his balance. He heard Steve move to try to help, but he didn't want anyone touching him; he didn't want any compassion at all.

"Tony...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he finally spoke, his voice trembling and cracked, "but they didn't take her because of you. They took her because of me."

 


	22. Chapter 22

_"You know, it's usually not recommended to lay on the ground in the middle of Central Park in the middle of the night. Can't we just hang out on the roof back at the tower? Best view in the city," Tony urged hopefully. The expectant grin on his face nearly had you drawn in, but you held your resolve._

_"Tony, you're Iron Man," you chuckled back, "I'm the safest person around. Now come here, I want to see this with you." You didn't waver when he refused your extended hand at first, but you had your methods with the man. The tiniest little pout of your bottom lip was all that it ever took, and with the glimmer of moonlight leaving him in his best romantic mood, you had won this battle easily._

_"Fine," he relented, taking your hand, "but I really don't see what the big deal is. Office lights, people half drunk on the sidewalk, noise that just never stops...New York is New York."_

_You turned to him with an immediate shift in the mood, slapping your open hand to your chest as you gasped in pure shock and disgust, "you take that back right now! Look at this and dare to say that again." You pushed him out in front of you, his feet stumbling slightly over the flat mound of smooth rocks as you forced him to the top. "Now, Anthony Stark, you look at that view, and tell me that there's anything ordinary about it. Go on, I'll wait."_

_He gave it his best effort, to try to see something new in a skyline that he had seen a thousand times, both from the ground and from the freedom of his suit. He tried to remember what it felt like when it was the first time, as a boy in his father's plane, when he had nothing but possibility and imagination ahead of him. He really did give it all he had, if for nothing else but to make you at least smile at his effort._

_And then it came to him; he knew exactly what was missing and why he couldn't connect with a feeling that he knew was buried too deep in bad memories and forced duty. He needed to make new memories to flush those away and there was only one way to do it. Tony turned around to face you, smiling gently and moving slowly, taking a position behind you and turning you to face him. He took a few steps back, his eyes never leaving yours, but he could see it all perfectly; he had never seen the city like this, and he had given himself a glimpse of what you wanted him to experience. "There," he sighed, "now I get it. I've never seen anything so beautiful."_

Your mind was beginning to prepare itself for the end, giving you a review of the best moments of your life, the vast majority of them involving your husband; the man whose future you now couldn't share. There were a few others scattered in there from your childhood, or memories with the team over holidays spent together or difficult missions that brought you closer. But there were a few select memories of Bucky as well, and you willed yourself to open your eyes. When you finally heard him calling to you in your mind even through the strength of the visions constantly playing within it, you couldn't deny your soulmate the one thing that you could still give.

~~~

Your eyes had opened for merely a second, just enough for Bucky to see all that he needed. They knew that he would be watching and waiting for you; they set it all up perfectly so that he couldn't refuse them. The terror that he saw in that second left him immobile in his own fear, and he berated himself for his weakness; you were the one in danger while he sat on his ass in the safety of the most secure building in the country. When did he become this person, and how could you have been chosen as his soulmate when he so clearly didn't deserve you?

"Barnes?" Tony repeated, standing still at the door and just as immobile. "What the hell does that mean? They took her because of you? What exactly did you do?"

"Buck?" Steve joined in, taking a step closer to Tony and ready to hold him back should his emotions get the best of him. Tony was a broken man and the last time that kind of emotion flowed through him, and the last time they were directed at Bucky, it didn't end well. When his friend answered silently and stood to leave the room, it took all of his will to not follow and to keep Tony held back to wait; he had to physically put himself into his path to slow him down. "Tony, give him a minute, okay? He'll come around."

"She doesn't have time for this cryptic bullshit, Steve!"

"Trust me. I know him, and he'll come back. Just a minute, alright?"

"One minute," Tony hesitantly obliged, "one minute is all I'm willing to give, and then I go crack his skull open to get what I want out of it."

"No need for skull cracking, as much as I wanted to bet on that," Sam interjected with a slight nod of his head to the opening door. "Wait...what the hell? Barnes?"

Bucky pushed forward, quick steps moving towards the exit with his hands working frantically to secure his old uniform and to be sure that he had no weapons left hidden within it from old days passed. "I ran," Bucky began. "I thought they forgot about me, after they lost the helicarriers in D.C. I thought I had nothing to go back to, and nothing to hide from anymore since I've been here with you. It's been so long, and they've never tried to call me back."

"Buck, why are you wearing that?" Steve stepped away from Tony for the first time, finding himself caught in a stupor and completely confused; he was also downright scared in an entirely new way. It was an unsettling way that twisted his stomach and threatened to heave all over the floor in front of him, and suddenly his emotions were thrust back to the first time he came face-to-face with the Winter Soldier. "Bucky...answer me."

"Steve, back off. You're not going to change my mind," Bucky answered. "If they've taken her right from her own wedding, they know too much, and I'm the only one who can stop them. There's no way that I'm letting her get into the middle of this. I have to do this before they hurt her any more than they already have."

"By going back to Hydra?! Buck, they'll brainwash you again! This is insane, alright? We can figure something else out!"

"Tony, I know you'll listen," Bucky turned, stepping up to the man, "they put her somewhere that only I would know, and planted her in front of a mirror so that when her eyes opened, I'd understand. This is the only warning I'm going to get." He lowered his voice now, offering a hand of reassurance when it was all he could give, "I'm going to get her out of there. I need you to keep the team from following me. Can you do that? For her?"

Tony considered what was being asked of him, and his first instinct was to talk the man down and to find another option just like Steve had said. But then again, the love of his life was in danger and his thoughts were too jumbled and cracked to put anything else together. He had no love lost for Bucky Barnes, but looking in the man's eyes now, he felt a strong respect and trust for someone he had to concede to for your sake. "I will."

"They warned me so many times about noncompliance, and I was a fool to think that I could ever escape it. I was an idiot to think that I could have this life," he paused, waving his hand around the room. As he did, the rest of the team was staring back at him with a multitude of emotions and a wash of bewilderment. In a short time, he had come to know all of them so much better, and they had offered their trust, almost unconditionally. He didn't want to lose that, but it was clear that the choice wasn't his to make anymore. "Look, everyone, I appreciate all that you've done for me here, and that you've trusted me as much as you have. But please, hear me now. The next time we see each other, this isn't the man you'll see looking back, so I need you to promise me one thing."

"What's that?" Barton asked, taking the bait.

"Promise me that you'll stop me. Promise me..." he paused, clearing his throat and lowering his voice, "promise me that you'll kill me, because now I know that it's the only way to run."

~~~

_"Money is no object, you know that."_

_"Tony, I'm not buying this dress," you argued. "It's one day in our lives, and I'll never wear it again."_

_"I should sure as hell hope not," he chided with his trademark smirk. "Sweetheart, if you love this one, then you should have it. I really don't know why we're arguing about this. Unless...unless you're goading me just so we can make up later. Hmm? You know all you have to do is ask and I'm good to go."_

_"Tony! That's not what I'm doing!" you scoffed, slapping him on the arm playfully. "Besides, when are you not good to go?"_

Even if you wanted to wear your wedding dress again, it wouldn't matter. Even to try to keep it for any children you might have was an option long since gone. After the destruction and bloody end to your nuptials, the gown was beyond any chance at recovery, and quite honestly you never wanted to see it again.

The memories were still flooding your consciousness when the door to the cold, dusty room finally opened. You were scared being alone here, but the idea of not being alone terrified you even more. You didn't know who would walk through the door, and no idea of what they would want to do to you. You were bound so tightly to the chair that you had not even an inch to give and the feeling in your hands and feet was quickly slipping away. The old, brass doorknob began to turn slowly and your entire body tensed in anticipation. When the hinges creaked and the heavy footsteps got closer and closer until they stopped right in front of you, your fear wouldn't let you open your eyes to see your fate.

You wanted Tony's face to be the last thing you would see if this were to be your final moments.

"(Y/N), I'm here."

"Buck?" you began to cry, looking at his gorgeous face staring back, albeit filled with panic. The stinging pain in your throat was of no matter and wasn't about to stop you from your sense of utter relief. It was an immediate reaction that you allowed for a mere second before reality forced its way back in. You felt his hands exploring the ties that held you, and the threats you had heard from your captors silenced the happy memories you had been playing over and over. "Buck, no, you have to leave. You can't do this. I can't let you do this for me. You can't go back to that life after you've done so much to leave it. I won't let you."

"It's not a matter of letting me, honey. There's no question here." His eyes adjusted to the dim lighting of the room, just as they would do every time he was there. He hadn't been in his Brooklyn apartment for some time, and now he would never be again. They really had chosen the location very well. You had helped him find this place, so it gave it a bittersweet tone; the beginning and end of this chance at life, and a reminder that he could never forget where he came from and who owned him. But that realization had to wait, as there was a larger problem looming; when he had connected with you earlier and he had seen your reflection through your eyes, he saw the explosives wrapped around you from every direction that would take out half of Brooklyn if they were set off.

He didn't have the heart to tell Tony that his promise of saving you might not actually work.


	23. Chapter 23

"Steve, I can't let you leave, come on.  Just go take out your frustration on the gym or something," Tony offered, though he was just as filled with anxious energy.  "As much as I hate to say it, we have to wait.  We have to give him a shot to do this on his own.  If we make one wrong step, we don't know what they'll do. I can't risk that, so we wait."

"Wait for what?  For body bags to be dropped on the front step? How can you possibly be this calm? This isn't like you."

"I gave my word."

"Well, that's just perfect," Steve scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief.  "I try to get you and Buck to get along for months to just be civil to each other, and you can't figure it out.  All of the sudden I'm being kept in the dark and you two are secret pals."

"You're kidding me, right?" Tony began to unravel.  He was barely holding on as it was, and if the Captain was trying to pick a fight, this really wasn't the time.  "Seriously, you're kidding?  We're nowhere near pals, alright?  If your old war buddy wasn't here, this wouldn't be happening.  If the universe wasn't such a dick to make him her soulmate, then I'd be packing for my honeymoon right now.  No, Steve, to hell with your friend.  There's only one person that I care about seeing walk through that door again, and goddammit, it had better be her."

~~~

You kept your eyes closed while Bucky worked on the mess of wires and straps that held you to the chair, trying to free you from an instant death.  With each wire pulled free, just when he saw a glimmer of hope, it would be connected to a trigger and he had to start all over.  He thought that there would at least be some dummy wires to throw him off a little and to toy with him, but no.  They were all live and ready to kill.

"You can't do it, can you?"

"I will," he whispered as he chewed on his lip, deep in thought.  "I will...I just need a minute.  There's a way to disarm it...I'll figure it out."

"Buck, if this goes off-"

"It won't."

"It'll destroy most of Brooklyn."

"I'm not doing this for _Brooklyn_ ," he snapped.

You could feel your hands begin to shake, and you knew that he could see them as they were tied at your back.  The sensation in them was beginning to dull to nearly nothing now, so you couldn't stop the tremor if you tried.  Some of it was fear, obviously, but what you didn't know was if the fear was for yourself, or if it was for Bucky.  His movements became frantic again, as if he had found a miracle to work with him, but he slowed again and you began the rollercoaster of emotions all over.  It was only when you felt the warmth of his hand over yours that you realized that you may have been right, and he was coming to agree.

He couldn't do it.

"Bucky...don't do this."

"Alright, you win," he called out to no one in particular, his voice booming throughout his small apartment.  "I can't take her place, and I have no idea which line to cut.  I'm not about to let (Y/N) be terrorized just so you can have the Soldier back, so it's over.  You've got me, so let's get this over with."

Your heart stopped first, at the sound of utter defeat that his voice carried, and the pain of understanding exactly in every detail what he was giving himself up to do.  Bucky was giving himself up to the life he had fought so hard to leave behind, and he was doing it for you.  He released your hand and wouldn't so much as look at you now, as if he were trying to begin the disconnect from the second that his mind was made up.  "Bucky...please, there has to be another way.  If we call Tony-"

"Then you're definitely not getting out of here alive.  This is the only shot we get."

The sounds of heavy footsteps suddenly began to fill the hallway just outside, their numbers multiplying over and over until it was almost deafening, the rhythm of their boots hitting the old stairways affecting the beat of your own heart with them. But even amongst that, there was one unmistakable sound that you would know anywhere, and it terrified you every time you had heard it.  Bucky took a step back and stood at your side when the door opened, the sound of the metal plates of his arm shifting and sending a chill through you.

"I love you, (Y/N)," he whispered.  "Please, don't ever feel guilty about this, okay?  If I try to connect, push me away.  I don't want you to see what I'll become.  Have Wanda block me, we know she can do it.  Remember me like this and promise me that you won't try to get me out again.  I need that promise from you."

"No.  I won't give it."

"(Y/N), I'm doing this for you.  Do that for me.  Look the other way."

"Well, well, well, I must say that I'm both impressed and disappointed all at once," the Hydra Commander smiled as he entered the room.  "Impressed that you've come to see that running is an option that you will never have.  Disappointed that you forgot how to disarm a bomb.  We'll make sure that we get that back into your programming."  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, tapping the screen quickly before dropping it back in.  "I'm also disgusted at the feelings being vomited up in here," he stared down at you, "as if you could honestly believe that he could love you in any way.  He's a monster, (Y/N).  That is all he is and ever will be."

"You have no idea who he is," you answered, staring the man down with a cold glare.  He took a step closer and you could see Bucky's hand clench in reflex, but he made no move to intervene.  The man reached down and unsnapped one of the harnesses holding the bomb to you, releasing it to allow it to drop to the floor, no longer armed. 

"Go home to your new husband, (Y/N) Stark."

He waved to the other men in the room, two of them taking positions to stand behind you, and two more on either side of Bucky.  They grabbed his arms and pulled him towards the door, and he didn't even fight them. He was completely broken, and you couldn't help but feel like you were the one who had shattered him.  Yes, he was making this choice, but he was making it to save you.  "Bucky, please, don't go with them!"

But he didn't say anything in reply, and he didn't turn to face you again.  It was as if he didn't hear you, but you knew full well that he did. You knew that he heard every scream of your voice to him, begging him to just turn around.  He had to have heard you fighting the guards that had tried to keep ahold of you so that you wouldn't try to interfere, and the definitive win when you slammed the final man to his back hard enough to knock him out cold.  You knew he heard, but when you spun your body around to look for him, he was gone.

~~~

"Alright, if I don't hear something in the next thirty minutes, I'm going," Steve said as he stood firm like a brick wall, staring at the door over Tony's shoulder when his friend had tried to block his path.  "You can either let me go and come with me, or you can just go ahead and lie down now so I can step over you.  It would really save me a lot of work."

"You don't even know where you're going, Cap."

"I'm going to Bucky's apartment in Brooklyn," he shrugged, matter of fact.  "Did you seriously think that I hadn't put a tracker in that old uniform the minute he moved in here?  I know that he told you to hold us back, but I've given both of you more than enough time...to...uh, Tony?" Steve halted, rushing to the door in an almost immediate wave of panic, "Tony come on!"

Tony jarred and turned to the door, the bowtie he still had hanging from his neck finally falling away at the motion.  He hadn't even thought to change out of his tux yet, when he barely had the will and wherewithal to just stay standing upright.  When his eyes followed Steve and his brain caught up with them, he bolted into action, rushing to meet you when you heavily pulled your way into the building with a completely exhausted body that had all but given up. 

"(Y/N)?" he gasped, taking you in his arms in a rush.  "Oh my god, (Y/N), are you okay?  Did they hurt you?  Honey, I'm so sorry, I tried to hold on.  Come in here, you should sit down."

"He wouldn't listen," you mumbled, as if to yourself.  You didn't even return Tony's embrace, but allowed him to lead you to a chair in the living room.  "They took him, and he wouldn't listen to me.  He wouldn't even look at me.  Oh...yeah," you paused, dropping the heavy vest of explosives that you had worn carelessly at your feet for them to take, "here.  It's disabled.  I'm pretty sure."

"Holy-" Clint jumped up, along with everyone else in the room, all of them taking hurried steps back and clumsily tripping over furniture to get away, while you still sat motionless and lost in thought.  "I think I speak for all of us when I say, what the shit, (Y/N)?"

"I couldn't leave it there. If it really was live, it would've-"

"Taken out half of Brooklyn," Steve finished for you.  The look you gave him at both his interruption and the revelation you had just been hit with left him almost wishing for the bomb to go off instead.

"You knew where we were?" you whispered angrily.

"Once he left the compound, yes, I did.  I had a tracker in his uniform-"

"And you didn't try to go after him?!"  Now you were completely incensed, standing up to face the Captain toe-to-toe.  His height and stature would usually give you a little pause, but today it meant nothing, and you began to feel much stronger.  "Why aren't you going after him now?!"

Tony cleared his throat nervously and willingly took the next hit.  "Sweetheart, he told us not to."

"Since when in the hell do you listen to Bucky?!"  You looked around to each face in the room, and you wondered how many of them were in on this genius plan.  It appeared to be all of them, from the expressions they were wearing, but you weren't sure if it were real or what you had led yourself to believe in the stress and pain of it all.  "Alright then Rogers, where did they take him?"

"(Y/N)-"

"Don't tell me that you're gonna follow this stupid-ass plan too?  There's no way that you're okay with Bucky going back to that freak show circus of theirs."  All of this arguing and raging emotion was wearing you out even more, and you were already exhausted after a day that had begun nearly 24-hours before.  The fatigue was cascading over your and leaving your mind hazy, but you couldn't afford to stop; Bucky was quickly running out of time.  "Lovely, I'm getting a headache from all of this bullshit."

"Yes, I'm going after him, I have a plan," Steve clarified.  "We needed you safe first because we weren't going to risk you both."

"Great.   I'm safe, and I'm in," you nodded.  "Where are we going?"

"You're going to go upstairs and sleep, (Y/N)."  Tony moved to stand at your side, gently taking your hand uncharacteristically meekly. "Steve can update us in the morning-"

"Or...Steve can update me right now so I can suit up.  I'm only gonna ask this one more time.  Where are we going?"

"Honey-"

"FRIDAY?!"

"NO, FRIDAY, don't give her any information on Bucky or Steve, that's a direct order!"

"Yes, boss."

"Dammit," you groaned, rubbing your temples to try to ease your pain, "why is it so important that I stay here?"

"You've been awake almost 24-hours," Tony answered, "and in that time you've been kidnapped and covered in explosives while your soulmate was abducted back into terrorism right before your eyes.  Oh yeah, and you married me somewhere in there."

"Not sure which is worse," you tried, hoping to lighten the mood the tiniest bit and knowing that after you gave in an actually slept, it was likely that Steve and Tony would tell you everything you wanted to know.  All you had to do was play along.  "Okay, does anyone have any aspirin?  My head is pounding, so maybe you're right and I do need...t-to sleep..." your voice faded, and you slid out of the chair and onto the floor, holding your head tighter with no relief as the waves of pain grew stronger and closer together like a lightning bolt through the center of your skull.

"Honey, maybe we should take you to the hospital?  We have no idea what they did to you when they took you-"

You held up a tremulous hand and shook your head no, which he took as a denial of him, but really you couldn't answer Tony because you couldn't speak at all.  Inside your head, under the pain the drilled into your brain like a worn-down screwdriver, the screaming was too loud to hear your own thoughts.  The screaming was so loud that the thoughts you could make out weren't even your own anymore.  You forced your eyes open, now filled with tears of comprehension, looking to Steve first, then to Tony, though neither man could help you.

They couldn't help him, either.

"Steve...it's Buck...they've already started."


	24. Chapter 24

It definitely wasn't your first choice to sleep; it was made very clear by both your husband and your super soldier friend that if you didn't at least attempt to get a few hours of rest, they would both remain tight-lipped about any plans to find Bucky. They had promised to wait so that you could have at least two hours, but it was a joke that they would actually expect you to close your eyes for even one minute of that time. How could they possibly think that closing your eyes would be a good idea when you knew that there was a terrific chance that the next time you opened them you would see horrors that didn't belong to you?

But then, even despite your strong will against it, your eyes closed for just a moment; it was a flash of a second, just to rest your heavy lids. Or at least, that's how it felt.

It didn't take long for the screams to begin again, filling the recesses of your mind with a sound that eviscerated your heart and shredded your soul in knowing exactly what it meant. Bucky had sacrificed himself to free you, and with each passing minute, and with each cry that would go unanswered, your guilt became nearly unbearable. When you could feel him trying to connect, even in your sleep, you tried to push back just as he had asked you to, not only for him but because you couldn't stand to see what was happening.

It still would have been nice to have a choice in the matter.

You hadn't realized that the connection had been made, not until you woke up to Tony and Steve both desperately trying to break it. Even with the two of them supposedly ready, and even still in your sleep, your hands met theirs with strength that couldn't have been your own. When your eyes finally opened and you came back to the real moment, you found yourself in the hallway outside of your room, crouched in a corner with Steve standing over you defensively and Tony just behind him with a split lip and an eye already showing the haze of a bruise.

"(Y/N)?" Steve panted anxiously, his hands ready to catch you again. "(Y/N), talk to me. Tell me where you are. Do you know me?"

"S-steve," you answered, equally breathless in both action and an enveloping fear, "what the hell? What happened?"

"You connected, didn't you?" Tony answered for him, hurrying to your side now that he was sure that you were back to your own mind.

"I...I don't know...it would seem so," you nodded, but stopping to stand to meet him. You gently took his face in your hands, the guilt you had felt before seeming like nothing now. "Oh, honey, did I do that? I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"I'm fine," he waved you away, but didn't step back, "don't worry about me. I'm worried about you enough for the both of us. Tell us what you saw."

You waited to close your eyes and released him, hesitant to allow the images back in, but knowing that you didn't have a choice. You were taking the risk of connecting again, and it was apparent that both men knew it too; you saw Steve stand a little taller, and the familiar sound of one of Tony's gauntlets approaching filled the hallway. "Are you gonna shoot me, Tony?"

"Of course not. But if he's connecting to you, and if there's any part of Barnes left, then maybe he'll keep better control thinking that I might."

"He knows you better than that."

"I'm not willing to risk how much he knows me, sweetheart. I'm not willing to risk you, either."

"Do I have to do this?" you asked Steve, almost meekly. It was uncharacteristic for you to sound so uncertain, and it wasn't lost on either of them.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N), but you know I wouldn't do this if I had any other choice," he said. "We need to find him."

"I know," you agreed, taking a long, hesitant breath that shook your entire body. Tony reached out for your hand, but you refused him, wanting to keep any distance between you until you knew that he wasn't in danger being so close to you. The two most important men in your life were suffering, and you would do everything you could to keep from causing any more pain.

At least until your eyes were closed again.

~~~

"Who are you?"

"Why are you in my head?"

The Soldier sat in his new home, a cold, gray room with a hard cot for a bed and not a single window to allow in any light of day. It wouldn't matter if there were sun anyway, as day and night didn't matter; he could hide himself away and infiltrate anywhere and never be seen regardless on light shining in his direction, just as it had been before. When he was invisible to the world around him, he felt completely secure and always carrying the advantage over his prey.

This was different and foreign to him, feeling exposed and violated by the images and voices in his head that didn't belong to him. Sure, there were memories of another life that would occasionally flash through his mind, but they didn't feel as if he owned them, as if he were watching pieces of someone else's life. This was deeply unsettling and persistent, and no matter how many times they put his brain through the blender, an essence of you remained intact and always pushed to the forefront of his consciousness. It was troubling and made for a very ineffective Soldier. He had been back in this life for only a matter of hours now, and his handlers were struggling to maintain him.

"Answer me," he tried again. His eyes darted around the room, just as they had done each time he tried to speak to you, reassuring himself that they hadn't begun watching him yet. If he could keep calm and not give them reason to, he would have time to get rid of you without their interference. It would be preferable to get a few answers before shutting you up.

If he closed his eyes, the Soldier thought that he maybe saw a color that might be that of your hair, or possibly a glimmer of your eyes, but the images were disconnected and distant. "Do you know me? Do...d-do I know you?" He listened intently for an answer, but he didn't have time to focus, when a guard opened the door to his room; he stared blankly ahead as to not draw any unwanted attention that might get him strapped into that damn chair again.

"Soldier," the guard interrupted, "you have a mission."

~~~

Once Tony regained consciousness from the hit to the skull you left him with, he tried to will away the swimming dizziness that left him ready to heave his dinner all over his dress shoes, but even the slightest movement sent him riding a new wave of agony. He could barely open his eyes without pain, and he was fairly sure that you had given him a nasty concussion as your first post-wedding gift. He could hear Steve on the floor next to him, groaning as he rolled over and pushed himself up to stand on shaking legs.

"Tony? Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah...never better," he mumbled, "you?"

"I feel like I'm a hundred years old."

"There's a reason for that. You are. What the hell is my excuse?"

Steve looked down at his friend and could feel the pain in his own head, watching Tony rocking himself gently while he held his head in his hands. The man looked absolutely miserable, not only from the physical pain that you had inflicted, but his emotions were an utter mess and he was at a loss as to what to do. That was more disconcerting to Steve than anything else he was seeing. "Tony, we need to get you to the infirmary. Here, let me carry you."

"Woah, what?"

"Tony, you can't walk," he argued, "and we need to make sure that (Y/N) didn't do any lasting damage. I don't think you realize just how hard she hit you. There's a dent in the wall."

"I'm gonna have to disagree. I'm feeling it pretty acutely, Cap."

Steve knelt down next to Tony, reaching out a tentative hand, "I won't tell anyone, okay? Does that help?"

"You'd think so, huh?" Stark took a breath and steeled his resolve, knowing that the shift in his movement was about to make everything so much worse. He still couldn't open his eyes, so he blindly reached out for his teammate, reflexively nearly pulling his hand back at the contact when they connected. "Okay, just take it slow. I could still yak at any minute."

"Noted."

"Ugh...why did I insist on steak at the reception? So heavy..."

"I'm sure you had no idea that your future wife would be knocking you out cold before the night was over."

"Not like this, anyway, no."

"Come on, man. What you two do on your own time is none of my business. Alright, here," Steve guided carefully, "I'll go slow, and you turn your head as far to the left as you can."

"To the left? W-why..." he asked, but the answer came soon enough and without much provocation within seconds of his position shifting into Steve's hold. Even the solid grip that would never dare drop him couldn't keep his stomach from disagreeing with just a few seconds of reprieve. "Oh...okay..." he struggled to catch his breath once the explosion subsided, "good call...Cap. Sorry about the shirt."

"It's alright," Steve answered with a grimace, "I'll just return your gift and buy a new one."

~~~

You had never been in this situation before; yes, you had been on missions where you were a target, obviously most recently with the kidnapping from your own wedding. You had been in danger before and took it willingly as a part of the job you had chosen for your life. But this...this was new and both exhilarating and chilling.

You had never been hunted before.

You could hear Bucky's footsteps well before you could see him. It was as if your minds were giving you both away on purpose, to force you together to look into each other's eyes again. His mind wanted him to recognize you on some level, he just didn't realize why yet, and you feared that he wouldn't realize before it was too late. You feared that the sight of your dead body at his feet would bring him back, and it nearly killed you just to envision it. All the Soldier knew of you right now was that you were an intruder into his thoughts, and he needed to make your voice stop.

Calming your breath was impossible, and you felt like you must have carried the volume of a thunderstorm. You had to be giving yourself away, but no matter how you tried, it was as if you were purposefully surrendering. As you tried to control it, your body shook under the pressure and the strain, leaving your senses dull; sounds became muffled and your sight wasn't nearly as sharp as you needed it to be. The chill in the air clouded your breath around you, only adding to the certainty that the Soldier would easily find you.

With your weapon held tightly to your chest, you took a single step out from the wall that had hidden you, peeking around a corner only to see nothing where you had been sure you would see him. With each missed sighting, your nerves raged harder, and you truly felt like his prey. You hadn't encountered him like this before, and you had no desire to ever be here again as long as you lived. He was taunting you. He was using your love for him to be your end.

_"Who are you?"_

"Buck," you whispered in shock, answering the confused voice that filled your mind, "you know me. I'm (Y/N)."

_"I don't."_

"Yes, you do. You don't remember because Hydra has control of your mind. They've taken me away from you."

_"You were never mine."_

"I've always been yours."

You stopped and waited for his reply, but it didn't come as quickly as the others had. Maybe he didn't know what to say, or more likely, he couldn't understand and didn't want to face what had happened to him. You hoped it was the latter; it would mean that your Bucky was fighting to get out. It would come to a harsh and fast reality that it would be neither option as he came into your sights for the first time, standing to face you with his weapon drawn, and cold, emotionless eyes staring back at you from just above the mask that covered the rest of his identity. The words you had exchanged weren't meant for him to gain any insight; it was to draw you out to make you easier for him to find.

You raised your weapon in kind, taking another step away from the wall to hold your stance as steady as you could. "Buck, please...don't make me do this."

"Stop calling me that."

"That's your name," you argued, "your name is James Buchanan Barnes."

"I said, stop."

"Bucky-"

"STOP."

His finger curled around the trigger of his gun, but he didn't pull back just yet. It wasn't his pattern to take prisoners, and if you were truly his mission, then your death was a certainty to prove his success to those who had ordered him to act. The Soldier was an assassin, and he had eyes for nothing else. You were going to have to make a choice, whether you wanted to or not, because he wasn't allowed to have that luxury.

It was him or you.

The pain would be a quick end, or a lifetime of suffering.

The loss would be Tony's, or it would be Steve's.

The choice had to be made, and with the pull of a trigger it was; it was made by the one who had better aim.


	25. Chapter 25

"This has been the longest shift ever. Twelve hours of this is twelve hours too much," the nurse at the emergency room desk complained to her coworkers. "We haven't had a patient in two hours. I mean, I'm not asking for a train wreck or anything, but maybe a little broken bone or something."

"Do no harm, huh?' another nurse chuckled behind her. "Now you're wishing for injuries just to get you off your ass? You could go stock the rooms if you're so bored."

"Pfft, I'm not that bored. Tell ya what, I'm gonna run across the street to the diner for some good coffee. The crap we have is like warm tar. Anybody want one...oh...oh shit," she exclaimed, dropping the coat she had yet to put on and rushing towards the door. "Guys, I need a cart!"

Before she could move very far at all, the wide doors to the ER opened with a gust of cold air filling the nursing station and leaving the others with a chill at both the temperature change and the sight that was getting closer. As soon as their eyes adjusted, they saw the Winter Soldier running towards them with a limp body draped over his arms, both of them covered in blood; who's blood it was, they weren't yet sure.

"Please, she needs help," the Soldier begged urgently, refusing the cart as it was pushed next to him. "She's been shot."

"You have too!" the first nurse added, reaching up to check the gaping wound on his neck, but he pulled back as if her touch would kill him then and there. "Sir, you're bleeding a lot. We need to look at that."

"No. You take her."

"Sir-"

"I said, no," he insisted, his voice now icy and determined. It was made very clear, very quickly, that no one was to argue with him about this again. "You take her, and you help her. Now."

Another group of nurses rushed out from one of the rooms, offering to take your body from him but he wouldn't release you to them. The Soldier nodded towards the center of the ED and one of them wisely took his cue, leading him to where he could finally put you down. When he did, his movements were uncharacteristically gentle for the assassin, as if he could hurt you any more than he already had. For all he knew, you were dead by his hand. Normally that wouldn't bother him, because it was his mission and he had succeeded; it was the screaming voice in the back of his mind that was driving his actions now, and he couldn't deny the commands it was giving him.

"She's an Avenger," he told them quickly as he finally released you, "she's married to Stark."

"This is (Y/N) Stark?! What was she doing? Didn't they just get married yesterday?"

"That's all I know. That, and if you let her die, this won't be the last time you see me." With that, the Soldier turned and left the room, waving away anyone who so much as attempted to look his way, or at the wound still bleeding down his neck. As he passed by one of the supply shelves he casually grabbed a handful of gauze and pressed it against his skin, barely wincing at the sensation over a slug that was still imbedded where you had shot him in kind. He stumbled very slightly as he exited the building, the loss of blood beginning to catch up to him. His bloodied hand dragged across the bricks, leaving a trail behind him as he tried to escape back into the darkness of night where he would be safe. Here, under the fluorescent lights and sharp glare of sterility, he was beyond obvious.

_You son of a bitch._

"Who's there?" he spun around, only to find no one.

_I hope Stark kills us._

"Us? My god, how many voices are in my head?" The Solider stopped and leaned back against the wall, lifting up the back of his heavy leather jacket just enough to feel the coolness of them against his skin. The heat was rising from his feet and up his body in a wave, and the sights around him began to swim in his vision just a bit. "I've got to be hallucinating."

_Nope. Just pass the fuck out and let them find you. Let them kill you._

His hand slipped, and his knees weakened from the shock his body was falling under and from a strange sense of fear that he had never experienced before; nothing scared the Winter Soldier. It wasn't in his programming to feel fear. The voice he was hearing was the same as his own, so there was no other option than hallucinations. They had pushed Bucky Barnes down too far for him to be pushing back now. He had never pushed back like this before.

"Let them try," he mumbled, finally losing his grip and dropping to the ground. The Solider was a sitting duck, out and in the open right where he had just told the nurses who you were, leading Stark to your side. He was sitting right where they would come to find you, and that damn voice in his head knew it. The voice was setting them up, and no matter how the Soldier tried to fight back, he wasn't strong enough this time.

This time wasn't like all the others, when Barnes was easy to push down. This time Barnes had you, and he was fighting to stay; all you had to do was survive so that you could allow him to apologize before saying goodbye once and for all. If turning into the Soldier again wasn't enough to let you go, then death was the only option left.

~~~

The nurses had done their job and called Tony immediately about your arrival to the hospital, and he couldn't bring himself to go alone; not because he was afraid of what he'd find, but because his head was still a mess from your hit. Steve offered to drive him so he could maybe convince Tony to get formally checked out, but Tony suddenly wanted nothing to do with the guy. If you were in the hospital, there was only one person who could have put you there. The Captain's best buddy was no closer to gaining Stark's trust in the first place and this all but shattered any future chance at it.

Instead, Natasha found herself behind the wheel with her own soulmate crumpled up in the passenger seat with his eyes tightly squeezed shut. The lights flickering by was enough to set off a new wave of pain and nausea, so it was best to just keep his head down for everyone's sake.

"Hey, you alright?" Nat asked gently. "We're just about there."

"Yeah, always," he answered, "don't worry about me. Just get me there, Red. Is Steve still riding our bumper?"

"No, he passed us a few miles back."

"Are you serious? Grandpa has a lead foot?"

Natasha looked over at him, her brow furrowed as she considered her next move. "Well, there's a good chance that Buck...the Soldier...is there or nearby, so he wants to get there before you do."

"To protect him or to take him down?"

"I think a little of both."

"Hmm, suppose you're right," Tony agreed. "Look, I get it. The guy's brainwashed and he's not in control of what he's doing. But Nat, I've gotta say, I really don't want either version of him back in her life. He'll always be a threat."

"I don't think that's your choice, Tony."

"I know. But I just wanted someone to hear me say it."

"Why?"

Tony pushed himself up a little further in the seat and risked what was possibly inevitable; he slowly opened one eye and then the other, looking at her with his best determination despite the wince of pain at the change in light. "Because when I tell her that, I want backup to confirm that I know it wasn't him. I also want someone who can help me convince her that I'm right."

Natasha groaned quietly under her breath, so low that even Tony almost missed it from right next to her. She knew full well that you wouldn't take kindly to being told what to do about Bucky, because you had all been down this path once already and it was awful for everyone around you. You would always be connected to him, even if Wanda tried to block him from you, and there was no way to fight that; it was painfully obvious just looking at Tony to see how connected to Barnes you really were. "Tony, you know that I would do just about anything for you, right?"

"Sure."

"Well that was convincing, thanks," she smirked. "But you know that she's been down this path before, and it didn't go well. I think the best you can do is ask-" she stopped, gasping as she brought the car to a sharp halt.

"What? What is it?" Tony perked up, paying no attention to the pain throbbing in his skull. Adrenaline had taken over and pain was a secondary concern.

"Stay here," she warned, giving him her best glare before hurrying out and towards the door of the emergency room. Steve was visible just beyond the reach of the lights, with Barnes tossed over his shoulder and unconscious. "Steve, stop! What the hell are you doing?"

"I need to get him out of here, Nat. If anyone sees him-"

"He's bleeding, Steve. Don't you think you should bring him inside?"

"For what? So they can patch him up and then get him hauled away? No, I can find someone to help. Just get Tony inside to see how (Y/N)'s doing, and look the other way."

"(Y/N)!"

"Buck?" Steve jolted, trying to keep his grip on his friend as he tried to free himself. "Buck, I'll put you down, just stop." He steadied himself and braced his stance before setting his friend down solidly on his feet. He was ready for either of Bucky's personas to be facing him, his hands up and ready for a fight if need be. "Which Bucky am I talking to?"

"Steve, I need to get in there," he pushed, first with words and then with action, but the Captain held him back, though just barely.

"Buck, calm down, I don't think it's a good idea-"

Bucky pushed one more time to get Steve to move before his next option was to knock him out, but a wayward glance over Natasha's shoulder brought his gaze to meet Tony's as he walked into the building. "Or maybe...maybe its best if I go," he backpedaled, uncharacteristically carrying fear in every muscle, "I shouldn't be here. I can't..."

"What do you mean?" Natasha asked, taking the bait. "Barnes, she'll want to know that you're okay too."

"No she won't," he whispered, moisture beginning to well up in his eyes. "She won't."

"Buck," Steve tried, pausing when he saw Tony emerge from the building, looking directly at them all. "Nat, stay with him, I'll be right back."

"No, I'll go," she argued, "I'm pretty sure that both of you are at the bottom of his list of people to talk to right now." The two men nodded in agreement but kept their eyes trained on her as she moved away, but when she reached Stark she positioned herself so that he couldn't see the two soldiers and would look only at her. She wanted him to see her undivided attention. "Hey," she greeted softly with a touch on his arm, "what's going on? How is she?"

She had seen Tony sick before, had seen him at days without sleep, had seen him on the brink of starvation, but this was a new depth of pale that robbed his skin of its color. His body was shaking and his hands wouldn't stop wringing together, even as she tried to take them into hers. "Tony."

When he looked at her, he didn't see her at all; it was as if he could see through her and anything else that stood in his way. All he could see was Barnes, staring back with Rogers at his side. There was nothing else in the world that he cared to see in that moment, so that he could memorize every line of his face, every strand of messed hair, and every plate in that goddamn arm so that when he ripped it from his lifeless body he could leave a souvenir as a reminder for Steve of exactly who it was he was protecting.

"She's dead."


	26. Chapter 26

Much to Tony’s relief, time marched on without incident, and with no sign of Steve or Bucky trying to insinuate themselves back into your life.  He continued to excuse your friend’s absence away with explanations of an extended mission and you had no reason to doubt his word.  Tony knew full well that his minutes with you could be numbered if you were to figure out what he had done, his only hope being that you would realize why and that it was because he desperately wanted to keep you safe.  He hinged his entire life on that shred of hope, hanging from it by the tips of his fingers and praying that he wouldn’t lose his hold.

But nothing lasts forever.

“Wow, my stomach is growling, can you hear that?”

“Sweetheart, I think the entire block heard that,” Tony chuckled.  “There’s a great pasta place about two blocks from here, what do ya think? I’m pretty sure they’re open late.”

“I think that sounds perfect.  I’ve had a longing for pasta lately like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Then why didn’t you just say so?  We’re in New York.  There’s pasta everywhere.”

You gave your husband a half-hearted shrug and continued to walk at his side towards your new destination. After a long day of waiting for him through endless meetings at Stark HQ, the two of you were finally getting some time alone; it had become a rarity lately between his work there and the commitments that the two of you held with the Avengers.  It was more difficult lately without Steve, but as usual, the team knew how to pull together and make it work.  It was just exhausting, but even this walk so late at night was worth staying up for.

“So, honey, I have a question,” you began again after about a block worth of silence, “have you gotten any word on Steve lately?  It feels like he’s been gone forever.”

“Um…yeah…he checks in here and there,” he coughed nervously.  “Last I heard was a couple days ago.”

“Don’t you think he should be getting back to the team?  Whatever mission he’s on, he’s obviously not making a lot of progress if he’s not done after all this time.  If he’s away too long, those fancy skills of his are gonna get all rusted up.”

“Then maybe we just need an oil can ready for when he gets home?”

“Wow, Tony,” you huffed with a nudge of your shoulder into him, “you’re such a good friend.  Maybe that’s why he’s been gone for seventeen weeks now.  You’ve joked him into hiding just to get a break.”

He nervously chewed at his lip while he came up with an answer that you would accept, realizing that with each mention of the Captain he became more and more unsure of himself and the plan that he had carried out this long already.  Every time he looked into your eyes, he feared that you would look back and see him for a liar; the one person who should never hurt you, doing exactly what he was trying to protect you from.  “Right…” he muttered under his breath, but his attitude changed quickly to disappointment as a new realization struck.  “Uh, hon?  I think the restaurant closed a few hours ago.  Looks pretty dark in there.”

“Really?  What time is it?  We haven’t been walking for that long, have we?”

“I didn’t think so.”

You grabbed your phone to check the time, taking a deep breath with a shake of your head at the clear disorientation that you were both falling under.  It had been so long since you had this kind of time alone that you had lost all track of it.  “That makes sense, it’s nearly five a.m.  We’re gonna see daybreak here any second now.”

Tony’s mind came to a sharp halt, and his eyes widened as if he had seen his greatest terror right before him.  When he turned to look at you, his skin was as pale as you had ever seen it, and a trace of sweat was beginning to bead on his forehead.  He couldn’t believe that it had taken him this long to catch on, and that this was it; this was the moment he couldn’t survive happening.  “What did you just say?”

“Hey, Tony, what’s wrong?” you reached out for him, taking his hand.  “Honey, what’s going on, you’re as hot as a furnace.”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop talking.”

“What do you mean? Did I say something wrong?”  The only response you got from him was a panicked shake of his head and a step back; if you hadn’t kept your grip as tightly as you did, he would’ve tumbled from the curb and onto the street.  Even with the risk he tried to pull his hand from yours, but you wouldn’t let him.  “Tony, you’re scaring me.”

“Please…” he whimpered, “I’m not ready.”

“Tony-“ you tried again, but you were halted by your phone, the sound of it ringing shrill in your ears, with an urgency that couldn’t have been real.  It didn’t matter who was calling, however; the only thing that mattered was the man in front of you, and what it could be that was throwing him into a panic attack right before your eyes.  “Dammit,” you groaned, reaching into your pocket to silence it, “alright, tell me what’s going on, Tony.  Let me help you.”

But the phone sounded again, and when you stopped it over and over, it came back that much faster.

“Just answer it,” he urged. “It’s okay, and it won’t stop until you do.”  He watched you pull the device out and look shockingly at the screen, breathless at the sensation of his heart dropping into his gut.  This really was it.

“Steve?”

_“(Y/N)?  You’re alive? I didn’t believe it when I heard…”_

“Of course, I’m alive. Steve, what’s going on?  Are you alright?”

Tony almost couldn’t bear to listen, groaning softly as he released your hand and stepped away so that he couldn’t be a helpless witness to the end of his marriage on a random street in Manhattan.  It was such a pedestrian way for his life to fall apart, out in public where he couldn’t succumb to his fear without ridicule, but he almost didn’t care.  He didn’t care about much right now.

_“Oh my god, (Y/N), I can’t believe it,” Steve answered, “all this time, we thought you were dead.  Tony said…”_

“Tony said what?”  But there was no answer, only the sound of his hurried breaths, shallow and nervous even though the phone.  “Steve.  Don’t you dare clam up now.  You just called me at least nine times in a row to get me to talk to you, so spit it out.”

_“Tony told us that you died at the hospital after you were shot,” he finally gave in, “after Bucky shot you.”_

You looked up and towards your cowering spouse, the question in your eyes shrinking his stature even more. He was up to something, and whatever it was, no matter how terrible, nothing would hurt more than knowing that even in this moment the look in his eyes was a lie.  “Who the hell is Bucky?”

_“What?” Steve gasped.  “(Y/N), are you serious?  Do you really not know?”_

“Tell me right now, Steve. From the look on Tony’s face, I think there’s more going on here than I’ve been allowed to know.”

Once again, the other end of the line was silent, and you had the sneaking suspicion that your friend was trying to find a way to give you the answers you needed without making Tony any more the bad guy than need be.  Even after what had happened, Steve wasn’t so vengeful as to risk tearing your marriage apart.  _“I’m sure that whatever Tony hasn’t told you, it was to protect you.  After what happened, I’m sure he’s only saying what he needs to so that you’re kept safe, (Y/N).”_

“That’s a pretty benign way of saying that he’s lying to me, Cap.”

“Please, stop talking,” Tony repeated in a whisper, as if only to himself.  “There’s only three more.”

“Steve, hold on,” you commanded, putting a hand over the receiver.  “Tony, what are you talking about?  You’ve said that already, and I want to know why.”

_“(Y/N)!  (Y/N), listen to me,” Steve called out, “we don’t have time to wait, I need your help.”_

You put the phone back to your ear and gave a sharp point of warning at Tony, whispering harshly, “we’re not done here, Stark.  Don’t move.” He nodded in agreement and turned away, the disappointment raging within himself too much to allow you to watch. You kept your eyes on him, not that you thought he would run, but so that you could watch for any reaction to the conversation you were about to continue.  “Alright, Steve, I’m back.  If you need our help, then come back so we can get the team together.  Whatever is going on between you and Tony, and whoever this Bucky guy is, if you’re worried about a rough homecoming, I can take care of that.”

“Fuck” Tony hissed.

“One more word, Stark, and I swear I’ll choke the truth out of you,” you snapped.  “I still might anyway.”

_“I can’t come home, (Y/N),” Steve explained, “we’ve been on the run since that day at the hospital.  Buck and I thought we had found a safe place at the rail station along the river, but Hydra still tracked him down.  They took him four hours ago, and I need your help to find him.”_

“Are you serious?  All this time and you’ve been living in a freight car?  Steve…just come…home…” you faltered when your head began to swim so violently that you couldn’t stay on your feet.  The buildings around you wavered and swayed, and when you closed your eyes, it only felt that much worse.  Nausea overtook your breath and choked your words out of your throat as the lump of fear began to swell within it.  As the connection began to strengthen and your heart pounded against your chest, you opened your eyes to allow tears to fall in the disbelief that Tony would try to hide Bucky from you like this.

Tony watched helplessly, wanting to reach out to you when your knees gave way, and you knelt on the sidewalk next to him, but he was frozen in place in his own regret and fears.  He could all but imagine what was happening in your mind, and the images that were beginning to flood back in after you had broken through the spell that Strange had planted in there; when the shield that Wanda had built around your connection to Barnes had finally fallen. As soon as he had recognized the words you were reciting in your conversation, each trigger word one by one, he knew that his time was up.


	27. Chapter 27

It had now been three months since you left Tony. 

 

It wasn’t easy by any means, and the fights were epically loud and exquisitely cruel.  He tried so hard to legitimize his actions in blocking Bucky from your mind, pleading with you that all he was doing was trying to protect you, and not understanding how you didn’t get it.  He couldn’t see the break in trust and the insane plan he had dragged both Stephen and Wanda into; you didn’t blame them as severely, but your friendship was beyond strained now.  They had all betrayed you, and you couldn’t live in that building for one more minute once you had realized just how far they had taken it.

 

In the beginning, his calls came in every day, and you left them unanswered.  As the weeks passed by, they became less frequent, until you were now getting a call here and there if at all.  You weren’t sure if his plan was to get your curiosity piqued so that you would seek him out for resolution, or if he was really giving up.  Tony wasn’t one to give up, though, and you wouldn’t believe that of him even after you asked him to stop. 

 

You still loved the man, too much and too easily, despite it all.  Yes, you understood what he was doing, but it didn’t allow him absolution from his choice in method.  Bucky had all but killed you that night when you had gone out to find him, and you had forgiven him, so why couldn’t you do the same for your own husband?  Why were you sitting here now, in your gear and in the dark, searching for a man who may try to kill you again when you wouldn’t so much as accept an apology from the man you had promised your life to?

 

“Hey, you okay?”

 

“Hmm?” you startled, jolting back to attention from the thoughts that tried to keep on. “Uh…yeah, I’m good.  Why?”

 

“Because you’ve been staring at your feet for the last five minutes,” Nat sighed cautiously.  She had been at your side in the search for the last two weeks, refusing to go back home when you had all but begged her to. You could only imagine the betrayal that Tony was feeling to have both his estranged wife and his soulmate looking for the one man on the planet that he wanted them both kept the farthest from. “(Y/N), you can call him.  All he wants to hear is your voice.”

 

“Then why did he stop trying to call me?”

 

“Because you’ve made it pretty clear that you’re not gonna answer, genius.”

 

“I have no idea what to say that I haven’t already said, Nat.  I’m still mad…for the most part,” you hesitated.  “He took it too far.”

 

“Yeah, because that’s what he does.  You knew that going in.”

 

“Really,” you huffed loudly, slapping your hand over your mouth at the sound that echoed around you. Taking a deep breath, you lowered your voice and tried again, “really?  I knew that he would try to wipe out my brain because he didn’t trust me to take care of myself?”

 

“He doesn’t trust Bucky, (Y/N).  He trusts you more than anyone else in his life.  Ever.  With Bucky out here and back in Hydra’s grip, he’s terrified that history is about to replay itself.  He has no idea that you’re out here right now, and if he did, he’d still tear the world apart to find you and keep you safe, even after everything that’s been said. He’s always going to love you.”

 

All you could do was turn away; it was unthinkable to cry at a time like this, in the middle of a stealth op with the calmest teammate you’ve ever worked with.  Maybe she was right, and that it was time to reconsider it all, and try to talk to him again.  You missed him.  You missed his stupid humor, his perfect face and his hugs that could make even the worst problem better.  You missed how he held you as he slept to keep the nightmares away, and how his t-shirt fit you in the middle of the night when he snuck away to the lab and left you in bed alone.  You missed how he could always know how to make you smile on even the worst days, and yes, how he protected you when the world got just a little too…heavy. 

 

“Yeah, Nat, maybe…I don’t know,” you sighed, “I suppose we could try-“

 

“I can call him for you if you want,” she offered immediately, almost too quickly with a voice that forced out the words faster than her lips could move, “right now, even. He’ll be so happy for just that much.”

 

“Wait a damn minute,” you paused, your eyes wide with revelation, “are you two connected?  Is he watching this?  Is that why you’re here?  Did Steve put you up to this?  Is that why he brought you in, to get me to go back to Tony?”

 

“No, of course not!”

 

“That was more than one question.”

 

“No,” she began again slowly, “Steve didn’t put me up to this.”  She didn’t offer any more, and when you looked at your friend now, you weren’t seeing her when you searched her eyes for truth; you were looking at Tony as if he were watching you back.

 

“Tell Tony that if he wants me to come home so that we can talk, then shit like this needs to stop. If he trusts me, then he needs to start acting like it.”

 

~~~

 

A week later you returned to the compound to see Tony, with the resolve that this wasn’t coming back for good unless you saw what you needed and that the two of you could talk civilly about the situation now that months had passed by.  Not much had changed there in your absence; it was quiet that day, with a large portion of the team out working off-site.  Despite the mess you knew Tony’s mind to be right now, the building was still immaculate as if he hadn’t even been living there.  You first stopped at the room you two had shared, and it had the eerie essence of sterility and frigidity with your first step inside.

 

“Tony?”

 

But there was no reply, and you set your bags down with a sigh, the reality of being back there beginning to fully set in.  The two of you had this conversation before you left; it was why you had decided to go. Screaming at each other was doing nothing but pushing you further apart, and you ran before you could destroy each other more than had already been done.

 

The next stop was the lab, but he wasn’t there.  You tried the gym, the library, and the kitchen, but nothing.  Maybe he didn’t realize that you were coming back so soon. “FRIDAY?”

 

“Welcome home, ma’am.”

 

“Thanks.  Where’s Tony?”

 

“Boss is in the basement, awaiting your return.  Should I call him to come up?”

 

“No, I’ll go down there, thanks,” you hurried before she could announce your arrival.  “Do you know what he’s working on down there?”

 

“I’m been locked out from visual surveillance, but I can tell you that he’s in the detention area.”

 

“Really?  Okay, that’s weird.”  Since she had nothing more to offer you in the way of information, you made your way to the elevator, your mind racing and growing almost worried about what you were going to find Tony working on.  The detention area was so rarely used that it was almost forgotten; it had been built to hold nearly anyone, even the Hulk.  It was a state-of-the-art maximum-security jail that you were thankful had been simply gathering dust all of these years.

 

The elevator seemed to be moving in slow-motion on the way down, but you quickly attributed it to nerves. You hadn’t spoken more than a sentence to Tony since you left him, and this would be the first time being in the same room together; you had no idea how he would react even though he was the one asking you to come back.  With each agonizing step, you built up your nerves to near their breaking point, until your hand rested on the door that would be the last barrier between you and him.

 

He must have sensed that you were there, or maybe FRIDAY tipped him off, but you barely had a chance to try opening the door before it was moving, and the man on the other side was abruptly in your view and blocking your way. 

 

“Steve?”

 

“(Y/N).”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m gonna need you to stay close, okay?  Let me lead the way.”

 

“Give me a break, I’m done with secrecy, Steve.  Tell me why you’re here or I’ll toss you down the stairs to get past you.”

 

“(Y/N), come on, don’t make this any harder than it already is, okay?  Just follow me and you’ll know everything once we get down there.  I promise.”

 

“Fine, I had better,” you snapped, holding out a hand to make him lead the way despite your overwhelming urge to give him a solid push instead.  The lowest level of the compound was dark, almost as if no one was actually down there, and you couldn’t hear anyone to make you think that you were wrong.  Steve took the steps cautiously, allowing you to follow within the reach of his hand should you need to take it.  “I know how to walk down stairs.”

 

“Just take my hand, would ya?”

 

“Fine,” you hissed under your breath, following his order.  Once you had a solid grip, his hand tightened around yours so much so that you couldn’t move, and the sensation in your fingers began to diminish. “Are you afraid of the dark, Cap?”

 

He didn’t say another word, instead leading you into the room, only to release your hand and give you a solid push, turning and hurrying away to slam one of the cell doors closed with you still inside.  “Now, stay calm, (Y/N).  We just need to test something before we let you out.”

 

“ _We_?  Since when are you and Tony working together again?  I assume he’s here?  Hiding in the shadows like a coward?”

 

“I’m not hiding,” Tony whispered, stepping out and into view.  His right eye had a dark shine of bruising covering its swollen lid, and his lip had been torn so severely that several stitches were now holding the skin gently back together.  “I’m not living up to my usual handsome standards right now.”

 

You were taken aback at the sight of him, and your heart stung with the immediate need to go to him and console him.  It warmed you some to know that you still had that empathy within you, and that the reaction was still a natural one.  “Tony, tell me what’s going on.  Why did Steve throw me in this cage and why aren’t you letting me out?”

 

Your husband glanced over at his teammate and gave a subtle nod before taking a step back and towards the shadows again without another word.  You were about to interrupt and followed his steps back with your own forward towards him, but when Steve switched the glaring lights of the cells on, you blinked away the shocking pain in your eyes, nearly dropping to the floor at the sight staring back at you, cold and expressionless.  You tried to shake away the dizzying swirl of your mind as the nausea hit, and the sounds of screaming filling your ears.

 

“Bucky?”

 


	28. Chapter 28

It didn’t make any sense, any of it.  Tony had no love for Bucky, and no reason to try to find him on his own; if he had his way, Barnes would be either on the other side of the planet from you at any given moment, or preferably dead, or so you had thought.  Steve and Tony were standing statuesque as they watched the scene unfold in front of them, waiting for something to happen, and you still weren’t sure what that was supposed to be.  The only thing you were sure of was that whatever it was you needed to do, if it would make the piercing screams stop echoing through your skull, you’d do anything they wanted.  

 

“We can’t risk having you two together out in the open until we know how you’ll react, honey,” Tony explained carefully.  “The last time he was like this and you connected, it didn’t end so well.” 

 

“Tony, I don’t understand, how did you get him here?  How did you find him?”

 

“I called Steve.”

 

“Like hell,” you huffed in disbelief, “there’s no way that he’d give Bucky up to you.”

 

“I didn’t give him up,” Steve joined in.  “I needed Tony to help me get Buck away from Hydra, and he needed Buck to bring you home. We compromised.”

 

Tony nodded along as Steve explained, but his gaze never once strayed from you.  He was watching for the connection to be made, waiting for the woman he loved to be washed away and replaced with the hints of a soldier that turned his stomach as much as yours was right now.  He was beginning to understand, once and for all, that to have you in his life meant that he would have to set his feelings for Bucky aside, and when compared to losing you, the decision was an easy one.  So long as this actually worked.  “There’s no way that I’m letting him out of that cage until I’m completely convinced that you’re not getting hurt, (Y/N).  If this ends with Barnes back in his brain and you staying in yours, then the locks open, I promise.”

 

“You won’t turn him in?”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“And what about Hydra?” you continued.  “They’ll come for him again.”

 

“We…w-we took care of that,” Steve added hesitantly.  For the first time, his eyes darted to Tony for just a second before returning back to Bucky.  “No one is going to get close to either of you again.”

 

“What?  You killed all of Hydra?”

 

“Pretty much,” Tony said. “Whatever is left, we’ll deal with it.”

 

The dizziness hadn’t settled at all, and the twist and churn of your gut was made worse with each attempt at talking.  You sat yourself on the floor slowly, seeing Tony’s hand reach out as if he could actually touch you to help; he pulled it back just as quickly, thrusting both hands into his pockets to avoid the temptation of finding their way to opening the lock just to be at your side.  “Buck,” you tried again, pushing a hand to the glass between you, “do you know me?”

 

“No.”

 

“Will you try?  I’m (Y/N).  I’m your soulmate.  You know me.”

 

You could hear Tony’s discomfort with the term as he coughed away his nerves, and you could see him turning away with a shake of his head in either disgust or fear.  You couldn’t see his face, but if you were the betting type, he was mad at himself for letting this get so far along.  Beyond that interruption of barely even a sound, everyone else was frozen in silence, waiting for Bucky to say anything at all. When he finally did, you could see the twisting, painful confusion swirling in his mind through his contorted expression.

 

“(Y/N)?” he finally jarred to awareness.  His eyes widened in a flash of excitement, but it didn’t hold.  “(Y/N)?  That…that can’t be right,” he continued, with a shake of his head as if it might clear up the haze that enveloped it.  “No, (Y/N)’s dead.  I killed her. You’re not her.  You’re lying.”

 

“Buck, no.  I’m not, I promise.  Let me in and you’ll see-“

 

“I don’t think that’s the best idea-“ Tony tried with a rush forward, but was quickly shot down.

 

“I’m safe in here, and you’re safe out there.  Back off, Tony,” you hissed.  “Bucky, look at me.  I promise, I’m (Y/N).  You’ll see. Come to the glass, please.  If you’re right, then there’s nothing to lose, is there?”

 

“I suppose not…” he mumbled under his breath.  He took the few steps forward to meet you, his hand raised and lined up with yours.  The tension in the room outside of your conjoined cells was heightened and you could feel it even through the thick glass that separated you from it.  His glance down at his hand wasn’t lost on you, and you followed his eyeline to see the tremor in it; the soldier would never feel trepidation over something like this, and the fear that you had hidden thus far began to wane. 

 

This was Bucky, already fighting his way out to get to you. To find his other half, and to let you save him again.

 

The depth of the barrier between you meant nothing once his hand touched it; the bolt of lightning that coursed through your connection nearly jolted you back from its power.  It felt like death and life at the same time, an end and a beginning, fire and ice battling for domination.  What Bucky was trying to find, the Soldier was trying to hide away; one of them wanted you there desperately to save them, and the other couldn’t force you into silence fast enough.  It was up to you to decide how strong you could be, and who you would allow to win.

 

Tony and Steve had watched it all play out in silence, other than the frantic, incessant beats of their hearts deafening them to anything else.  Neither of them knew what was happening in the glass cages that they had trapped you in, and neither dared to consider interfering now.  Tony could feel in his gut the moment that you had connected with Bucky, but he couldn’t look away from the sight that was like a dagger in his chest.  It was a feeling that he would need to learn to live with if he wanted to be with you; he had to find a way to accept that this other man would always be a part of you, and a part of your relationship if he approved of it or not.

 

“Thank you, Tony.”

 

“Hmm?” he answered, jarring himself back to attention.  “Oh…um, yeah…you too.”

 

“I think it’s working,” Steve nodded towards you, “they look relaxed.”

 

“They’re connected. Of course, they look relaxed.  Now we just need to see if she’s connected to Barnes or his frosty alter ego.”

 

“The Winter Soldier would never let this happen.  She’s gonna be okay, Tony.”

 

“Promise?”

 

Steve looked at him with wide, but sad eyes, and no sound came from his mouth.  Words were choked into silence in his throat, locked in by the dry weight of emotion and doubt in what he could only hope was true. 

 

“You can’t, can you?” Tony smiled weakly.  “It’s alright, I’m just happy enough to have her home again.  I’ll take it for as long as she’ll let me.”

 

“She won’t choose him, if that’s what you’re thinking.  She loves you…you know that, right?”  But his friend didn’t answer, keeping his stare locked on you.  “Tony, come on.  She had plenty of chances to go with him, and she always stayed with you.  Look, even if she wanted him, I think there’s also one very big part of all of this that you’re not understanding.”

 

“Oh yeah?  Please feel free to enlighten me, then.”

 

“He doesn’t want her, not in that way, and she knows that.”

 

~~~

 

Hours had passed by before you allowed the connection to break, but to you it had felt like mere minutes.  Your hands had finally slipped from the glass, away from each other to thrust you both to reality again against your wills.  When your eyes opened, you realized that it was time and that neither of you could stay in that hazy realm that protected you from the outside world any longer; neither of you could deny what had to be faced.  Tony needed you to either stay or go once and for all, and Steve needed to know if he had his best friend back or if the fight for him had begun all over again.  They were locked into purgatory with you, and it was time to let everyone go.

 

Your body collapsed into a heap on the floor, every muscle in your body aching and trembling with fatigue. Tony hurried to your side despite Steve’s insistence that he wait for you to fully wake.  His arms felt stronger than you remembered as they slid beneath you to lift you from the floor and to hold you against him. 

 

“I’m right here, sweetheart,” he whispered against your hair as he carried you from the room, “I’m not letting you go.”

 

As Tony left, Steve took his cue to go into Bucky’s cell, reaching down to help him up once he was sure that it was him looking back and not the soldier waiting to strike.  “Hey, Buck, how ya feeling?”

 

“Like I just got my ass kicked.”

 

“Well, sure, I guess that makes sense.  Do you remember much of what happened here?  With (Y/N)?”

 

“So, she was really here?”

 

“Yeah, she really was,” Steve smiled cautiously, “Tony just took her to rest.”

 

“I thought I was dreaming, Steve.  She was dead, I felt it when it happened.  How is she still alive?”

 

“Tony convinced Wanda and Strange to block you from her, and they blocked the memories she had of you, so it was like you never existed.  To you, it would feel like she had died, because the connection was completely gone.  It wasn’t his proudest moment, and I think he’ll be struggling with that decision for quite a while.”  Steve paused and waited for a reaction, but none came other than a nod of understanding.  “They split up for a while once she found out.  She left him to look for you.”

 

“Of course, she did,” Bucky groaned.  “None of you could’ve stopped her?  No one stopped to think about how dangerous that was for her to go off on her own?  I had already killed her once, Steve, and I can’t believe how irresponsible she-“

 

“Woah, Buck,” Steve interrupted, knowing that what he was about to say wouldn’t sit well, “I asked her to help.  That’s on me.”

 

“You _what_?!  Are you serious?  What the hell were you thinking, Steve?  You were there that night at the hospital, and you saw that look on Stark’s face when he told us she was dead.  How could you risk that happening again, to her…or to him?  I thought they were your friends?”

 

“They are.  That’s why I asked her, Buck.  She wasn’t going to stop until she found you, and she didn’t care what that meant for her.  Asking her to help me so that I could be there with her was the only way to keep her safe.  That’s how Tony and I came to an agreement.”

 

“Pfft, right,” Bucky scoffed, “you and Stark agreeing on something?  Like what?”

 

“That we were both missing the people we loved the most, and that we couldn’t live without, so if we wanted them back, we had to work together.”

 


	29. Chapter 29

Your body had never felt such exhaustion as it was now, the ache of your muscles taking a backseat to the hazy lethargy that your mind was suffering.  You had been connected with Bucky for too long, you understood that now, but at the time it was the right thing to do, and the only way that you knew of that would keep his mind present.  You hadn’t thought much about your own safety, and you hadn’t thought about what you would leave behind if something had gone wrong.  You paid no mind to who you could hurt, and that wasn’t like you.  Ever since the first time that you had connected with Bucky on that day with Tony, several years ago now, your attentions were divided between the two men, and the fallout from it had left ripples and waves of destruction in its path that frequently crested on the precipice of the typhoon that would drown it all away once and for all.

 

You slept for fourteen hours after Tony had carried you to your room and away from Barnes.  He stayed at your side for every one of them until your eyes opened; he wanted to be the first person you saw so that you would understand that he was still committed to you.  He could only hope that you would see it when he looked back; yes, it wasn’t his proudest moment when he had tried to keep you apart from your soulmate, but he was acting out of fear and his fierce protectiveness of you. It always got the best of him, his emotions, and you had known that all along.  He had also known all along that each day that you gave him was a gift that he had taken for granted for far too long.

 

“Hey,” he whispered gently, “you can sleep more if you need to.  I’ll be here as long as you want me to be.”

 

“What time is it?” you answered in a dry voice, your eyes fighting every second of being open. “How long have I been out?”

 

“Going on fourteen hours. But it’s okay, you’ve been to hell and back, you deserve the rest.  I can go if you want-“ he stopped, feeling your hand on his arm to hold him back. The deliberate contact was too much for his fragile mind; it was too much to finally feel like you wanted him there again, and to dare to believe that this might just be okay after everything that he had done.  He had to hold back the swell of emotion in his throat just to utter a few words and make them sound like he wasn’t on the verge of breaking.  “What?  What is it? Are you okay?” 

 

“Yeah, I’m good…but what happened? Is Buck okay?”  The darkness of evening that filled the room was keeping Tony in the safety of shadow, but it was making it too difficult to talk to him; if you were going to have this conversation, then it was vital that you could see each other so that there was no confusion.  “FRIDAY, could you turn on low lights please?”

 

The room slowly began to come into view, as did your husband.  He shied away at first, turning his head so that you wouldn’t look at him. He didn’t want you to see the damage that had been done when he fought the Soldier with Steve to bring him in. He didn’t want your pity, and he didn’t deserve your forgiveness in his choices.

 

“Oh, honey, let me see,” you urged, but he wouldn’t turn.  “Tony, look at me.”

 

“It’s not a great sight.”

 

“It’s you.  How could it not be?”

 

“I can think of plenty of ways, (Y/N),” he said, “I haven’t exactly lived up to the husband that you signed on for.”

 

“Of course you did,” you smiled, “I got exactly what I signed on for.  You’ve been a pain in my ass since day one.  But…you’ve also been my best friend and you’ve done nothing but what you thought was right to keep me safe.  True, your methods sucked, but the intent was there.”

 

“You’re more than capable of keeping yourself safe, sweetheart.  I just forgot that somewhere along the line.”

 

“So…can you look at me now that we’ve reached at least one agreement?”

 

Tony sighed heavily, his shoulders dropping under the weight of defeat.  He did his best to steel his nerves in preparation for the berating you were sure to give, and the risk of you walking away that he had come to believe would always be there.  It would be his own doing, he knew that, and with one final prayer that this wouldn’t be that moment, he finally turned to face you.  “See,” he smirked, “not a great sight.”

 

You sat up straighter and inched closer, ever so gently taking his face in your hands as you looked at every cut and bruise that his fight had left behind.  His eye was still swollen, though not as close to swollen shut as it had been, and the split in his lip looked to be on the verge of popping open the stitches that you knew he wouldn’t take the time to get fixed anyway. “Did Bucky do all of this?” you asked, full well knowing the answer.

 

“No, he didn’t.  The Winter Soldier did.”  When your eyes widened in response, and your mouth opened to reply, he quickly put up a hand to stop you.  “I know they aren’t the same person, (Y/N).  I understand that.  I didn’t for a really long time, and I struggled every day knowing that you had that monster of a man for a soul mate.  I couldn’t figure out how that could be possible, someone like you and someone like him…but Steve and I had a long talk while we were out finding him, and things came to light that changed my mind.”

 

“Steve convinced you? Steve Rogers?  Sweetie, how hard did you hit your head?”

 

“Yes, Steve Rogers,” he chuckled.  “Believe it or not, we can get along.”

 

“Yeah, but where Bucky’s concerned?”

 

“Okay…I’m working on it. I owe you that much after what I did. But I’m also working on understanding that if I want to be with you, then I have to learn to accept him being around too.  I understand that it’s not a competition, and that you’re not making a choice between him or me.  Steve said the strangest thing about that…”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“That Barnes didn’t want you, even if you chose him.  At least, not in that way, and that you knew it already.”

 

You held silent for a moment, constructing your words very carefully.  It was true, Bucky didn’t want you, and you had meant what you said all along; your choice had been made long ago.  “I knew that, yes.  Bucky would never want that with me, Tony.  Besides, he’s got a lot of work to do to figure out who he is again, and what kind of life he wants.  He made that decision for himself, knowing that he’ll always have me to support him and to help him, and that’s the relationship that he and I will have, forever. We’re a part of each other and we can’t escape that, not that either of us actually want to.  We’ve tried that, and it’s the worst feeling that I’ve ever been through.”

 

“He said it felt like you had died.”

 

“Yeah, I know.  That’s how it felt when he blocked me.  So, if you want me to trust you, Tony, and believe that you won’t try to push him out of my life again, I need you to apologize to him for making him feel that.  No matter how much you hated him at the time, it was cruel to do.”

 

“I will, the next time I see him,” he responded immediately.  “I’ll make it right.”

 

“Okay, good.”  A pause in the conversation came, and Tony’s smile and energy began to dwindle some; you could feel the shift in his mood as it filled the air around you.  It had grown heavy and began to weigh on you, and you weren’t sure why when you were finally having a discussion that was bringing the two of you back together. “Tony, are you sure you’re okay with this?  I know how hard this must be for you to know that he’ll always be in my life.  I know that you have Nat, but this is nowhere near the same kind of thing.”

 

Tony looked down at his hands; he had been wringing them together for so long now that the color had blanched away and they began to sting under the pressure.  It was a welcome pain, however, feeling as if he deserved more to balance the insult.  “It’s harder for me to know that you were suffering without him, and to know that what I did to you is what destroyed us.”

 

“I understand why you did.”

 

“Still wrong, though,” he scoffed, “and I can’t even start to tell you how sorry I am.  I was an idiot.”  When no response came from you other than continued silence, he finally looked up from his hands with a shocked expression, gasping in disbelief at what he was…or wasn’t hearing.

 

“Are you waiting for me to argue?” you finally said.

 

“Ha!  No, I suppose not,” he laughed openly, finally at ease. “But…if you’ll let me, I’d like to be your idiot again.  If and when you’re ready, of course.  I’ll wait forever if you tell me to.”  Seeing his window of opportunity, he dug his hand around in his pocket nervously, seeking out the ring that you had taken off and thrown at him in a rage months before. He kept it with him everywhere he went, just in case this miraculous moment was to befall him as it was now. “Can I be your idiot again, (Y/N)?”

 

With a trembling hand, you held it out for him to take, allowing the ring to slide back over your finger with ease.  You had felt it missing since you had taken it off, and it felt like you were beginning to feel complete again as it came to rest.  “I won’t make you wait that long, Tony.  We’ll be okay.  Just don’t do dumb shit like this ever again.”

 

“I promise,” he sighed in relief, “no dumb shit like this.  I’ll still do dumb shit, obviously, but not this exact dumb shit.  But you need to promise me that you won’t run off on your own again.  None of us can save the world alone, (Y/N).  We’re a team.”

 

“I promise.”


	30. Finale

You had slept like the dead that night, your connection with Bucky having drained you of your last few ounces of energy.  Your body hadn’t ached like this since you had actually nearly died not so long before this and you felt as if you could sleep for at least a week without a problem. When you had closed your eyes, the sky was dark, and when you opened them again now, the view hadn’t changed. You were stuck in a hazy disorientation of either too much sleep or still not enough, and you weren’t exactly sure how much time had passed.

 

“FRIDAY, what time is it?”

 

“7pm.”

 

“Are you serious?!” you gasped, sitting up abruptly.  Your head spun slightly at the rapid shift, but you pushed through and swung your legs over the side of the bed to get your balance.  “I slept almost 24 hours away?  Why didn’t anyone wake me up?”

 

“Mr. Stark-“

 

“Right, got it, you don’t need to say any more.  Not sure why I even asked.  Alright, so where is he now?”

 

“He’s in the conference room with Captain Rogers.  I’ve alerted him that you’re awake, and he said that he’ll be here in a few minutes. He asks that you change your clothes into what he has selected for you, hanging in the closet.”

 

Your brow furrowed as you thought what it was that the man could possibly be up to, a pointless endeavor given his determination and resources.  “Okay?  What do you know, FRIDAY?  What’s he up to?”

 

“I’ve been sworn to secrecy, ma’am.”

 

“Of course, you have. Seriously, you think I’d learn to just stop asking.”

 

~~~

 

Two floors below where you were reluctantly following orders and changing clothes into something far too formal for an evening at home, Steve and Tony were taking the time to sit together in a civilized manner for the first time in a very long time. There was a plethora of points to argue out, but none more troublesome than the topic of one Bucky Barnes. 

 

Steve sat on one end of the expansive table with Tony seated on the other, but neither had wanted to take the initiative to speak first.  Where would they even begin?  Both men had just set their differences aside to bring both you and Bucky together safely, but the problems remained and had pushed their way back into view.

 

“So,” Steve finally coughed out nervously, “are things all good with you and (Y/N)?  Have you been forgiven?”

 

“Well, it’s a start, anyway,” Tony nodded.  “Now it’s up to her.”

 

“Actually, it’s up to you to not Stark this up.”

 

Tony’s eyes brightened at the relief of levity, and it was honestly a welcome moment.  Too much drama and too many insults had taken their toll on him, and really, the team as a whole.  When he finally looked up from the tabletop and towards the Captain, he caught the glimpse of a friend looking back, and he accepted it.  “You think you’re clever, don’t you?”

 

“No, I know I am,” Steve smiled only slightly.  “But I also know that she’s the best thing to happen to you in as long as I’ve known you. Just use some of that genius to do it right, okay?  It’s gotta be good for something more than making everyone look cooler.”

 

“Fair point, but you know that we can’t dance around this forever.  What about Barnes?”

 

“What about him?”

 

“You said that he doesn’t want her, not like that,” Tony began, wanting the answer but also not wanting it at the same time, “so what does that mean?  You gotta give me something to hang onto here, Cap.”

 

Steve eyed his friend skeptically, examining his expression for anything that might give away some kind of alternate plan just to mess with him.  He wouldn’t put it past Stark to pull a joke at a time like this; humor was his best defense when he was nervous, and his body language told him that he clearly was.  “You seriously don’t know, do you?”

 

“Obviously!  I’m not that good of an actor!”

 

“Tony, Buck doesn’t want her because he’s with me.”

 

“He’s with…wait…that doesn’t…” Tony stammered.  “But all the things that went on, and things he said…”

 

“Yeah, well, we’ve gotten good at hiding things,” Steve shrugged.  “But he knew that she knew and that was good enough for him.  She didn’t judge, and let me tell ya, we’ve had our share of years under that microscope.  Back in the day, hiding was just what we had to do.  That was our normal.”

 

“Holy shit.  You’re being serious.”

 

“Did that not come across? You know I can’t make stuff up like that on the fly.”

 

Tony just sat with his mouth agape as his mind raced, replaying years of interactions with Steve and now recent ones with Bucky, and seeing every moment in a brand-new context. It wasn’t purposeful that he took so much joy in the revelation, well, he was happy for the two at least, but this had just taken the most remarkable weight from his shoulders.  Suddenly, Tony felt like he could take a full breath, and it was nearly too much.  He pushed back his chair and stood abruptly, causing Steve to mimic the motion as if something were wrong and he needed to respond.

 

“Tony?  What’s going-“

 

“Thank you,” Tony exhaled heavily, rushing across the room and taking Steve into a tight hug.

 

“Y-you’re welcome…?”

 

“Okay,” he sighed in relief, pulling back, “I’ve gotta go meet up with (Y/N).  Go get ready before we’re all late.”  As Tony left the room, Steve was left behind to watch him walk away, unsure of what had just happened, but taking it nonetheless as a resolution that was long overdue.

 

~~~

 

Once you had dressed in the chosen outfit that Tony had so suspiciously left out for you, it was an almost agonizing wait for him to return to your room to let you in on whatever secret this was that he was keeping.  The dress he had selected was comfortable enough, even though you were in no mood or condition for the formality, but he had gained a few extra points for the shoes.  They were so soft on your feet that you considered the idea of wearing them every day after this.  The man knew you and had found the balance that would keep you in a dress just long enough to keep him happy.

 

“Alright, my dear, let’s go,” Tony peeked his head through the door, “can’t be late.”

 

“For what?  I have no idea what we’re doing.”

 

“That’s the point of a surprise.  Duh,” he mocked.  He took a step into the room and held his arm out for you to take, waiting for you to slide your hand over it so that he could guide you to his masterful plan. “You look great.”

 

“Thanks, I didn’t pick it out myself,” you scoffed.  You allowed him to lead you to the elevator, down to the main floor, through the front door and towards the lake behind the compound before you couldn’t keep quiet any longer.  Tony loved surprising you, because he was terrible at keeping secrets, but you were going crazy not knowing what was happening.  At least not until you turned the final corner to see several large, white tents set up across the grounds, filled with food, music, and every member of your team waiting anxiously for your arrival.

 

 “Tony, what’s this?”

 

“Our reception,” he smiled widely.  “Completely bomb and kidnapping free.  I figured that we’ve earned a re-do, and after these last few months without you, I needed to celebrate having you back home.  I’m going to celebrate that every day.  Maybe not with a party like this, but I promise, I’m going to so that you know how much I love you, and how much I need you here with me.  I’m so sorry about how I acted, and I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

 

“Tony, I’ve told you, I understand.”

 

“I know, but you can’t stop me.  Now let’s go have that party,” he nodded, guiding you to the festivities, “because after this, we’ve got a honeymoon to plan.  We’re gonna do this right.”

 

“Getting time away together sounds really nice,” you agreed.

 

“Yeah, and apparently Steve and Bucky deserve a little reuniting time too?  Thanks for letting me in on that little secret, by the way.”

 

“I thought you knew that! Oh my god, did you really not know?”

 

“No!” Tony stopped, taking a step back and completely aghast.  “What about that whole thing with Nat?  You were convinced that there was something going on!”

 

“I thought maybe he was exploring another option, I don’t know!  I’m not here to judge, Tony.  What he does on his own time-“

 

“Right, exactly!” he broke in.  “On his own time.  On his own time…not ours.  So, I take it back, let’s just drop it.  Tonight isn’t about focusing on Barnes.  This is for you.”

 

~~~

 

“Are you sure about this, (Y/N)?  I can’t let you get yourself in harm’s way because of me.  I’ve hurt you too many times already.”

 

“Buck, that wasn’t you,” you answered, a little frustrated at this conversation yet again.  “You know that I will never blame you for any of it, and that you’re never getting rid of me.  Tony knows that too, and we’re working on it.  It was a setback, but we’re okay.  It wasn’t you.”

 

“But I did it,” he groaned under his breath.  When you didn’t reply with anything more than a stern look, his gaze drifted down to his glass, watching the liquor swirl as he brought it again to his lips.  He knew what your answers would be to any question or comment on this topic, but they still needed to be spoken, and he needed to hear your voice saying the words until he could finally believe them.  “What if they come for me again?”

 

“Then I’ll get you back.”

 

“Ha!” he chuckled.  “You guys are putting a lot of trust in me, and I’m not sure that I deserve it.”

 

“Let us worry about that, okay?  Just say thank you.”  You stood silently and waited, staring at him until the air around him had grown so uncomfortable that he had no choice but to look up just to get you to stop.  “Barnes?”

 

“Alright,” he sighed, dropping his resolve, “thank you, doll.  I’m lucky to have you for a soulmate.”

 

“Damn right you are,” you agreed, holding up your glass to meet his with a gentle tap, “damn right.”

 

~~~

The party went on well into the early hours of morning, just before the sun was due to rise.  It didn’t matter that it was a small gathering of just the team, it had felt like a long-awaited and long-overdue release of tension that made time stand still for everyone.  The point of it all may have been to celebrate your wedding that had so quickly gone off the rails, but it was about bringing everyone back together in an understanding and renewed cooperation.  It was about one relationship in particular, and it wasn’t even yours.

 

Tony cautiously made his way across the tent, stopping several times to talk or to grab a new drink, as if he were putting off the inevitable.  This conversation had to happen, and there was nearly no time left to do it.  “Barnes?”

 

“Hey, Tony,” Bucky replied, nearly choking on his drink in surprise.  With a few swift slaps on his back from Steve, he recovered enough to get by. “Wasn’t sure if I’d see you tonight.”

 

“Honestly, neither was I. But listen, I know that you and I may never be on good terms…but are we good enough to get by?”

 

Steve looked nearly as anxious as Bucky was at the question, looking back and forth between the two men as he waited for either the right answer, or the wrong one that could open up a whole new fight. 

 

“Well, for now, I think so. She wants us to be, right?”

 

“Pretty sure she does.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I’m getting,” Bucky nodded.  “It looks like you and I have some work to do to keep our girl happy.”

 

“I married both of you, didn’t I?”

 

“That’s one way to look at it, sure,” Bucky agreed with a grimace.  “Let’s get one thing clear, though, I ain’t putting out.  It’s not gonna be like that.”

 

Tony laughed, albeit not as honestly as Bucky may have hoped for, putting a jovial slap of his hand on Barnes to hold him with a tight, purposeful grip.  “You remember when I said not to call her our girl ever again?”

 

“I do.”

 

“Let’s add ‘putting out’ to the list of things I never want to hear coming out of your mouth.”


End file.
